So much going on in my head

[cosmicfire]

What is triggering my harm thoughts now is when I watched those shows like CSI and Criminal minds and they all describe the killers as these loner types.

I always been shy. And had social anxiety since I was 12. But I always had friends and loved to go out and play with them and hang when growing up. In my teen years I became a real loner because my friends left me and bullied me for being different. (It was not until a few years later signs were figured out that I was a high functioning autistic.)

I am extremely interverted. I have like three close friends at least near as close. I would like to go out more but my anxiety gets really bad if I think of making plans that normally someone else has to make them and I still feel that anxiety.

I also have depression and none for lashing out in anger. I get irritated easily. And I become emotionally numb over the 12 years I have had depression.

So I worry that I fit the description of those that they claim are the way they are when they hurt people (right now it is tipping with pocd as well as harm) The thoughts make me anxious then there are times I don't react to them or they come into my dreams and I worry.

[sheslostcontrol]

Hey! :)

I'm in a situation very similar to yours - I too suffer from harm intrusive thoughts (also have a terrible fear of psychosis/schizophrenia/whatnot, mainly hearing voices that'd tell me to harm others).

Just today it hit me that maybe I am predisposed to doing something like that actually, since I have always been shy, quiet and reserved. I even looked at myself in the mirror and thought 'hmmm, is this what a psychopath would look like?' I try to ignore my intrusive thoughts, but then, naturally, I get anxious over ignoring them and the cycle begins all over again. Mind you, I despise violence, I never get angry, I've never hurt anyone. I guess that because deep down we would do no such thing, it distresses us so much and we can't get it out of our heads.

Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist/psychologist? Have you seeked therapy?

I hope you're having a nice day. :)

[cosmicfire]

I am on med. But I really cannot afford a therapist though I thought of looking one up. I often feel like when I say something about my thoughts and such that it is rehearsed and that's why the thoughts are real. That I am coming up with excuses for here and there.

[sheslostcontrol]

I am on med. But I really cannot afford a therapist though I thought of looking one up. I often feel like when I say something about my thoughts and such that it is rehearsed and that's why the thoughts are real. That I am coming up with excuses for here and there.

Perhaps try finding some reading material on coping with OCD and intrusive thoughts online, I wish I could suggest something specific, but I am still only in the process of trying to convince myself to start reading something. :) I'm sure therapy would help you a lot, though.

What meds are you on, if I may ask?

[cosmicfire]

wellbutrin xl. I been on several meds for years now since high school and I am 27 now. Many had no affect some after time seemed to stop working or the side effects were so bad my doctor took me off them.

I been coping with intrusive thoughts for years. I had it bad in 2012 and a few years after it but I got a bit better and it is only recently that it got worst again. I think because of recent stress. I am reacting less to them then I did years back. Which worries me a bit.

I had my thoughts seep into my dreams last night and have not had that for a while.

[cosmicfire]

Trying to ignore the thoughts...not that easy....anxious would mean I don't want them right?