Sexual OCD / Confession - some advice needed

[inkblackc]

Heads up everybody - there's some really strong, specific sexual talk here , so please be advised.

I could really use some advice here --

I've had OCD since I was about 14 or 15 years old. I've had most variations of OCD that you can imagine, from contamination fears to a religious obsessions. Mostly though, my OCD focuses on sexual obsessions. For example, I've had severe POCD symptoms off and on for many years. I also feel the compulsive need to confess every sexual "mistake" or perceived mistake I've committed over the years.

This constant confessing actually ruined a previous relationship that I was in. I'm in a relationship right now with a wonderful woman. However, this fear – this constant feeling like I need to confess everything is starting to rear its ugly head again. Sometimes these confessions go back to things that I did as many as 15 years ago. Sometimes they are more recent things.

I watched porn for a long time in my life, but I gave that up when I started dating my girlfriend. I didn't like the feeling that I was cheating. I don't even really like masturbating on my own because I have some strange guilt about it. I don't know why exactly.

For whatever reason, I have sometimes felt a fetishy-type feeling towards being filmed during sex. I've never made a sex tape with anyone or anything like that, but I have for whatever reason, masturbated while recording myself with my camera phone. I know it sounds super weird. I never intended on anyone else seeing it and deleted it afterwards, but there was something about it that was a turn on. Again, I never intended to keep the video or show it to anyone. I deleted it right away. It was just some weird quirk that I was trying out.

This happened sometime last year I think. I haven't done it since, but I'm racked with guilt - feeling like I need to tell my girlfriend I did this. To sort of apologize or confess or something. Is this a legitimate feeling or just an OCD compulsion? Any advice would be much appreciated.

[inkblackc]

Any advice on whether confessing this type of thing would be necessary/normal?

[MyNameIsTerry]

One question. Has your GF told you every sexual act she has ever performed with others or alone? Has she told you ever fantasy she as ever had in her life?

Why not?

She may have an issue with you watching porn whilst in a realtionship with her but not because she views it as a form of cheating, because it isn't anyway, but because it may make her fel like she isn't enough for you.

Masturbation also isn't cheating but it's less likely she will feel inadequate with this unless she has similiar misperceptions about this activity. And how do you know she doesn't do it too?

What will confessing achieve? It will reduce the anxiety & frustration for you but only temporarily. It won't help your relationship, it's more likely to cause issues in it as you persue her to confess again & again as you have found before. You will obsess over whether you told her everything, whether you missed something, whethe missing something means you are purposely holding back and what does that mean about you, etc.

I doubt she expects you are a virgin who has never masturbated in his life.

[inkblackc]

Thank you for your response Terry.

I think my biggest issue here is that we were in a relationship when the weird filming myself thing happened. We had been dating for almost a year at that point. I don't think of it as "cheating" per se, but looking back I hate that I did it. I've told her all about my POCD symptoms and she's not bothered by them because she thinks it's just OCD stuff, but for some reason I feel like if she knew about this weird filming thing I did, it might make her think of that other stuff I told her in a new light. I don't know. I just feel weird about it and I can't shake feeling like I should tell her. I feel like if she doesn't know about this, then she can't make an objective decision about the kind of person I am.

[MyNameIsTerry]

She makes a decision on the person you are by what she sees herself already. It's coming back to those core belief issues seen in sexual obsession themes in OCD like POCD; am I the monster I fear or am I seeng signs of becoming one in the future.

You know from OCD education that it doesn't happen. POCD sufferers are nothing like paedophiles. The drives behind paedophilia just aren't there.

Why would experimentation mean a link to the POCD? Where is the POCD in that? It was just that you found it exciting, probably because it's a bit risque. If that were the case wouldn't we all be worrying if we were sexual monsters because we all have fantasies that don't involve sex in the missionary position with the lights off and our socks on! :winks: It's like being broadminded in sexual experimentation even with a partner can make am OCDer with sexual themes think "is this a clue to something worse or more evidence I'm what I fear".

I doubt many partners would want to know what the other thinks about during masturbation and hopefully they won't naive enough to think it always involved them either! :winks:

Are people who make sex tapes sexual monsters or is it just it's a turn on for them? So, why would having an irrational fear theme in your OCD make you any different from them?

Feeling guilt about sexual practices isn't uncommon. It doesn't have to mean evidence towards an OCD obsession either, it can simply mean you worry your partner might not approve and think badly of you.