Anxiety over black out drinking

[nomoremouse]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and my anxiety is spiraling out of control for many reasons but the issue I'm having right now is coping with a night of heavy drinking. Every time I drink heavily, I always have this guilt and sure I said something to offend someone or did something bad. But 99 percent of the time nothing bad has happened. Anyway, I'm married and very happily married for 4 fours. Lately a lot has been going on in my life and my anxiety is spiraling out of control. The other day I went out drinking with some coworkers. I have a new job and don't know these people all that well. Since I have bad social anxiety, I drank way too much. Only two people saw me really drunk, a girl and a guy who acts flirty towards me (he's married but doesn't seem all that committed to his wife but I really don't know how their marriage is)

Anyway, I blacked out for the last 30 min of the night. My big fear here is that I cheated on my husband. I know I was texting my husband and the girl was still there at 11:36 and know I left at 12:08. But the guy is having a ball teasing me. He was not wanting to tell what what I did but was giving hints here and there. He said I asked him to get in my uber with me (tho I don't know if I meant it romantically) and I asked him if I did anything worse than that and he said "There were some things" but he didn't want to say. He says it was just me and him at the very end which makes me nervous. I asked him flat out if he and I did anything and he said no, I was crazy and that he would have said so. But he kept just being vague and hinting and I was starting to freak out.

I love my husband and literally have no desire to cheat and I also don't have feelings for this guy. I don't feel like I did anything and have no memory but I am nervous that I was very drunk alone with a guy that flirts with me. And him hinting to me and not being straight with me is leading me to believe that something did happen but he could be just messing with me.

Anyway, even though I have zero evidence for anything happening I can't let it go and dying inside.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Drinking to black out is something I think you need to address. Whilst some anxiety sufferers say stop drinking altogether, it's a view I disagree with as it's creating avoidance (unless there is a drinking problem involved) and it doesn't address the negative thinking being applied so it will just come out somewhere else instead.

We've all been there with heavy drinking so I'm not judging as I've done plenty of things myself over the years with drink & drugs, it's just part of growing up where I come from, but it's worth looking at out of personal safety. Imagine if anything bad happened to you and I don't mean adultery?

As for these thoughts, I think that guy has wound you up without realising how much you were worried. I would have said the best thing would be to confront him over it which you've done. He's given up with the winding up and told you the truth.

The rest is anxious thinking. Like you say, you have no evidence to disprove anything happening but also what evidence do you have of anything actually happening? None. This guy had a laugh out of winding you up but when it came to the serious part he was clear nothing happened.

[nomoremouse]

@MyNameIsTerry yes, its been a problem and this has definitely scared me. and also the personal safety aspect had me really unnerved. its just my biggest fear that I would have betrayed my husband. but even he is not nervous and is only annoyed with me for talking about it so much. I just hate that this guy is playing with my mind, I was already so stressed and anxious in general

[Fishmanpa]

If drinking heavily and until black out has been an issue, then addressing that is your first priority as what you're doing is essentially sticking your hand into a fire knowing you're going to get burned.

While there are some that can drink alcohol with their anxiety, it's been my experience those that post such as yourself obviously cannot and should not as it just increases their anxiety.

Good luck and as always...

Positive thoughts

[MyNameIsTerry]

Do you act differently when you drink or drink to heavy levels? What I mean is, does it reduce your boundaries and that's why it becomes a worry?

Whether it's an issue for your anxiety issue in terms of the next few days of anxiety symptoms is different to irrational thoughts about what you "may" do when not fully in control. Those thoughts are something else to deal with and avoidance isn't going to stop that, not that I'm saying you shouldn't look towards tackling the drink because it sounds like you need to as well.

There are alcoholics on here, recovered or otherwise, and were at the mental health walk-ins I went to. It's pretty common so don't worry about judgement on here.

[nomoremouse]

@MyNameIsTerry all people say is I'm a happy drunk. only one time, when someone slipped something into my drink years ago, was I completely crazy and out of character. but even around my friends, all the time without fail, I'm convinced I did something to offend someone. And it's never true. And this is the first time I've been alone with a guy wasted while in a relationship so now ive worried myself sick that I cheated. I also throughout the past couple of days have been stressing over whether I said something awful about someone or told them about my anxiety and dark thoughts ive been having. but usually, its me worrying that I've said something to offend on of my friends.

But I've never once aside from the drugged time heard anyone say I did anything nuts. Everyone just says I seem happy

[MyNameIsTerry]

So, like a lack of trust in yourself? How is the rest if your anxiety? I ask because I've usually seen this lack of trust issue in those with OCD. Some of what you say features in ROC, false memory OCD themes, etc.

The event with the spiked drink is one to dismiss, that could change anyone. My best mate years ago had that done to him and he was totally different until it wore off.

[snowghost57]

Heavy drinking is not going to help you and drinking to black out is dangerous. I know, I did the drugs and drinking. I went to AA and it helped. Now I'll be honest, I still drink and I know my limits. I just don't want the AA way of life. However, it did help me to understand myself better and it is a comfort to meet people that have been it the situation we get ourselves into when drunk. You don't even have to talk, just listen. Once you get your drinking under control then you can work on your anxiety. You do know that drinking causes anxiety? You are not alone and welcome to the boards!