Broken and defeated [Archive]

Elad

21-08-17, 05:07

For some, like myself, it doesn't get better. It just continues to get worse until you can no longer handle it.

I'm completely broken and defeated, after 7 years of different therapy, psychology and medication I am ready to just cease existing. I have impulsively attempted suicide 3 times and just woke up in intensive care told I was lucky to be alive, 1 of these was not long after I was sexually assaulted and it made me angry at the nurse, I could feel my heart contort and heat rise in my chest. I got out of psychiatric hospital on Friday and plan to see my psychiatric nurse on Wednesday just for one last chat and a hug or two before I end my life with the plan I've made.

Good luck to everyone who continues to fight, I hope you are successful in your battles.

MyNameIsTerry

21-08-17, 06:15

Please tell them just how bad you feel right now and that you are planning on taking action. With your history they should be very concerned for your wellbeing & safety. Really, contact a doctor now and talk about this.

Talk to people like The Samaritans if it helps you to deal with these awful emotions & thoughts.

They need to help you. They need to be giving you as much support as they possibly can as an outpatient as it must be extremely hard to come out feeling like this.

I hope you will make contact with people and talk about this. :hugs:

Elad

21-08-17, 17:24

Well you can make contact with them but things like medication changes (the list of which I've actually tried is so long that when I see a different psychiatrist I feel like I'm constantly saying "tried it") and therapy takes time and I feel like I've given it enough time to realise it's really not going anywhere.

I did make contact though as you asked me to, the duty worker has rang three times today, knows I have a plan and a date and I gave minor details on what the plan is. As far as I'm aware she's left an email with my secondary CPN (main CPN is on annual leave), pushed for an urgent outpatients and also made the crisis team aware of the situation and asked if I wanted them involved but they've been involved on and off so much since May that I just told her to leave it and she said that if I want them involved I only have to ring them because they're aware.

I can only find medication that works short term to numb the way I'm feeling. I do engage with therapy and know the techniques and protocols I've been taught off the top of my head so it isn't like I haven't been trying.

At this point I just don't know of anything that will help.

ana

21-08-17, 18:26

Please,whatever you do,don't give up. I've been battling this awful condition for the past 17 years and although it's negatively impacted my life on a number of different levels,I've somehow found myself with a job,friends who understand me and a loving partner. How I got to where I am now,I couldn't tell you. Nothing seems to work for me either,not the 9 different medications I've been on,Not the self help techniques and not the 2 therapists I've seen for years. What I do know is that you can't give in to the badness because you are meant to live,to survive. It sounds like a cliche,but you were born for a reason and your life matters.
Think of all the things you like about this world. It could be something as simple as the smell of the wet pavement after a rainy day. That's what it's supposed to be about,life,Not being the prisoner of your own mind.

I'm aware that nothing I say might have an impact. I'm just a stranger on the internet,a fellow sufferer. However,as I'm sat here writing this,I wish for nothing more than to make you stay. Please consider staying :hugs:

Fishmanpa

21-08-17, 18:56

PLEASE... call one of the hotlines. There's help available!

My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression and she felt like you at one point. She came to me and and I talked to her mother (ex) and we made sure she got help. She's on meds and worked hard at therapy and is doing well. For her 24th B day, I took her for a tattoo. She had the semi-colon with butterfly wings on her wrist to remind her to always keep fighting.

Again, please contact the hotlines. It's sad and disturbing knowing someone is at the point you're at.

Positive thoughts

KK77

21-08-17, 21:33

Wanted to also offer my support. I understand how tired and fed up with life you must feel but you're never truly "defeated" until you surrender. I would repeat what Ana said: your life matters. It might feel empty right now but that can change.

Get the help and support that is out there. If meds and therapy have "failed" you, let it go. But never let go of yourself and use those in a position to help you at this dark time.

Catherine S

21-08-17, 21:41

Elad

21-08-17, 22:01

Perhaps I haven't fully surrendered yet but this is without a doubt the closest I've come to doing so. Hospital did phone at 7pm for an update on how I'm feeling since I was discharged and I just laid it out. I know there are options but I feel like they are things that will just keep me alive that little bit longer. I've thought of going back in and making sure they try to stabilise me properly before discharging me but my emotions were a whirlwind in hospital.

I'm not just thinking of myself I'm also thinking of the other patients in there who I argued with because my emotions were so heightened and quick to trigger, the panic alarm was hit 4 times in the space of 2 days at one point. Once by me because I was seriously upset. Once by an older woman who seemed to be suffering with psychosis because she accused me of I don't even remember what and she hit the alarm just because I put my hand on her shoulder because I was getting angry that she was ignoring me and then again by another girl about the same age as me because I was fed up of her talking to Jesus and in anger and frustration I began talking about the devil to her so then she hit the alarm. I've experienced psychosis so I should be more empathetic but instead I'm a bomb with a short fuse.

I also had to be taken to the back room to be talked to for scaring a nurse by hitting the alarm in my room out of frustration and anger then lunging at her when she came through the door because I'd repeatedly been asking to see the doctor and they clearly weren't calling for the doctor.

I didn't mean to scare her and I think the fear in her eyes and the way she so quickly ran out the room and behind the other 2 nurses will stay with me for a while. I was fine with some of the other women but there were just some who... ugh, is it really wise for me to be there if I'm going to become so easily agitated and upset and then upsetting other patients?

snowghost57

21-08-17, 23:18

Can I ask how old you are? You sound quite young, and in my experience both in real life as well as on this forum, it's more often the young people who seem to have this angst about life and who threaten to end it all, when actually what they really want is someone to react, someone to give them attention. Because in my experience, those who are really serious about ending it all don't talk about doing it, don't shout about it or demand that people listen, they just do it. They just do it. Like my lovely sister did.

So my advice to you is to thank all the lovely people here trying to help you and give you the attention you are asking for and to play nice with your doctors who are doing their very best to help you. And before you come back at me with accusations of not understanding...I do. But nobody here can tell you to live if you don't want to. Nobody here can stop you from dying if it's what you want.

It's not really fair to ask people who suffer with depression and anxiety to talk you out of taking your life, that's a huge responsibility. The only advice we can give has already been given: value your life and get professional help.

Be well x

Excellent advise.

---------- Post added at 18:18 ---------- Previous post was at 18:07 ----------

For some, like myself, it doesn't get better. It just continues to get worse until you can no longer handle it.

I'm completely broken and defeated, after 7 years of different therapy, psychology and medication I am ready to just cease existing. I have impulsively attempted suicide 3 times and just woke up in intensive care told I was lucky to be alive, 1 of these was not long after I was sexually assaulted and it made me angry at the nurse, I could feel my heart contort and heat rise in my chest. I got out of psychiatric hospital on Friday and plan to see my psychiatric nurse on Wednesday just for one last chat and a hug or two before I end my life with the plan I've made.

Good luck to everyone who continues to fight, I hope you are successful in your battles.

First of all 7 years is a long time to be on medication and therapy, which tells me a lot of side effects to cope with, trying new medications You have also been sexually assaulted. That is a lot to deal with.

Please don't give up. Reach out and keep fighting and get the help you need. I dealt with depression and anxiety all of my life and I have finally gotten the tools that helped me understand my anxiety and I am also drug free.

I think the main reason why I got better is because I was tired of spending my life the way I was and I wanted to be happy, I'm 57, I wish that I had put more work into my therapy, maybe it wasn't available, maybe I wasn't willing to work to get healthy. Who knows, all I do know is that I couldn't be happier. It can happen but no one is going to hand it to you. Healing comes from within you. I wish you the best of luck.

Suicide hurts the ones you leave. Take care.

jdheart

22-08-17, 01:25

You have to have faith that you will get better. You been thru alot and after awhile you feel like giving up. I get it. But why not look at it from a different angle. Many people would love to trade positions with you. People with ALS kids with cancer and so on. Dont let this mental crap take you out ...you take it out...depression or whatever is like a bubble your stuck in but you keep pushing you will pop that bubble.

Take Care and do the right thing push thru the moment of negative thoughts.

MyNameIsTerry

22-08-17, 01:34

I'm glad to hear you have made contact with them. I've had bad anxiety but not to the point of needing to be an in-patient so I don't know how that feels but I do know of the mixed experiences people have in those places. Some are tranquil, some are wards with daily violence (my local is the latter according to people I know who've had reletives in there).

The staff are trained to handle violence, as another member found when his brother was sectioned due to psychosis and assaulted the doctor, the response was "we're used to it". It's just part of their job. Maybe the nurse was caught by surprise, was havng a difficult time of her own or less experienced, I don't know, but they really wouldn't think anything of it.

I hope they can come up with some solutions to move you forward even a little bit because it can greatly help when you are at rock bottom. Please keep in touch with them and if you find yourself feeling worse, make contact.

Elad

22-08-17, 03:51

@Catherine S well I half agree and half disagree and no I'm not going to throw any accusations at you about not understanding because to an extent you are right as I said I agreed that I hadn't fully surrendered and was looking for any reason to continue fighting another day.

Well regarding this I've been re-admitted to hospital and writing this from my phone. This thread can be deleted if mods see fit because I agree with Catherine that posting this where the majority of other members are suffering from anxiety and depression too may not have been the best idea but I think I said in a previous post I'm grasping at straws.

I hope they can balance my medication and put me in a better place. Maybe I'll chime in again in a few weeks but for now I should focus on recovering and stabilising. I just wanted to post this to allay any concerns I would have aroused I'm back in hospital and I'll continue to fight.

MyNameIsTerry

22-08-17, 04:06

Elad,

All that matters is the support you need. This website is crammed with triggering threads, suicidal thoughts is just another one and as far as Admin have explained before they just don't want talk of methods but hopefully they can explain more.

I'm glad you are getting more support at this very difficult time. I just hope they can come up with some new ideas on how to support you going forward.

snowghost57

22-08-17, 11:08

I'm glad you reached out to us here. Of course it is upsetting to think that someone wants to end their life. I for one am glad that you contacted someone, even a chat forum. There are many people that understand where you are right now. It is very difficult at times to communicate in written form and many times it is misunderstood. I don't intend on deleting anything, as I think its' important for people to realize we all suffer and we must not internalize everything we experience in life. Its part of the healing process. I wish the best for you and I'm glad you are in a good place right now.

Bigboyuk

22-08-17, 11:30

Elad It will get better was in a very bad place (mindset wise ) over 6 months ago could see the light at the end of tunnel but could never reach it, it was a hard slog with many hurdles to jump but now things are better for me and they be will for you :) Just start believing it! Cheers