constantbattle
31-08-17, 15:31
Hey everyone, I am 21, male, I was diagnosed with anxiety since I turned 18. I tend to get anxiety in situations where my moral compass is challenged, for example, if I do something wrong I get anxiety and I start to kind of put myself down to an extent. Most of the times the things I do wrong are on accident and aren’t really things I should beat myself up about, but I do. I don’t do this always, just in very specific situations. I went to seek therapy and It helped me out a lot. I go to therapy, I feel better, and I go months to a year without attending therapy until somethings triggers it and resurfaces my anxiety. Most of the time I can handle it and it brushes away, but there are times where I have had to return. When I get my anxiety, I obsess over the thoughts of what I did, and I go over and over in my head on how the situation went and over analyze everything. I think of what I did and what was going through my head and how I could have fixed it, and I view myself as bad person etc.
That was a little background on my anxiety. About a year and a half ago I was at a family party, hanging out with family and friends. There was a piņata around and the children went around to hit it, and once it broke everyone ran for candy including myself. I grabbed some candy and a little girl who was 9 who I knew, came up to me and wanted to trade a piece of her candy for mine, and I said of course so we did the trade and she walked away. As she was walking away I looked down and noticed her butt, and noticed how it didn’t look like a butt that normal children have, it had the characteristics of something of someone with more age and I don’t know what happened but I felt something down in my groin and I let it happen and flexed it and then jokingly in my head I said “oh, damn that girl has a butt, huh” and I remember kind of laughing in my head after I said that because it was just me being stupid. I've done this before whenever I see a butt from an attractive women and this time I don’t know why I did it, I honestly was just being stupid doing this. I had no desire to go pursue this girl and do anything with her, but then I gave it some more thought and I thought to myself, why did I do that? Why did I think that? And I began to panic and stress out. I felt disgusted. I tried to tell myself "hey calm down, don't think about this too much", but I couldn't. I had never ever in my life had looked at a kid like that. Never had any desire to pursue kids. I love older women, women my age. I’ve only every fantasized about women, and only have ever been attracted to them as well. I’ve never wanted to touch a child or have anything sexual with them, which is why this kills me. I went to therapy for it and I managed to push through it and got better. I went a year and half without giving it any thought. Since that had happened I would look at kids and I wouldn’t view them sexually or anything, I was the old me, it was like that instant never happened. There was no desire. But now the thoughts have resurfaced again and I am remembering what happened and I am stressing out and panicking. I hate myself for what I thought and did. I question why I felt that groin thing when I saw her butt and why I flexedit as if I would for an older women. I can’t seem to forgive myself. I hate myself for letting that happen. I regret every thinking that even if it wasn’t trying to do anything with her. It just disgusts me that this happened. I don’t like children, thinking about their parts or having any sexual thoughts about them right now gives me the chills and I can’t picture myself doing anything with them. But I hate myself for viewing her butt and feeling some sort of attraction for it. I don’t understand why it happened. I tell myself that maybe it was because it was a butt that sort of reminded me of an older woman’s butt, because I am attracted to smaller butts on women my age. During that moment I was only thinking of her butt and not the kid itself because even after It happened I remember trying to feel what I felt with the little girl and I couldn’t I was grossed out. I just don’t know what to do, I’m searching for answers, is this my anxiety messing with me, or am I a bad sick person? I feel like a pedo/monster.
That was a little background on my anxiety. About a year and a half ago I was at a family party, hanging out with family and friends. There was a piņata around and the children went around to hit it, and once it broke everyone ran for candy including myself. I grabbed some candy and a little girl who was 9 who I knew, came up to me and wanted to trade a piece of her candy for mine, and I said of course so we did the trade and she walked away. As she was walking away I looked down and noticed her butt, and noticed how it didn’t look like a butt that normal children have, it had the characteristics of something of someone with more age and I don’t know what happened but I felt something down in my groin and I let it happen and flexed it and then jokingly in my head I said “oh, damn that girl has a butt, huh” and I remember kind of laughing in my head after I said that because it was just me being stupid. I've done this before whenever I see a butt from an attractive women and this time I don’t know why I did it, I honestly was just being stupid doing this. I had no desire to go pursue this girl and do anything with her, but then I gave it some more thought and I thought to myself, why did I do that? Why did I think that? And I began to panic and stress out. I felt disgusted. I tried to tell myself "hey calm down, don't think about this too much", but I couldn't. I had never ever in my life had looked at a kid like that. Never had any desire to pursue kids. I love older women, women my age. I’ve only every fantasized about women, and only have ever been attracted to them as well. I’ve never wanted to touch a child or have anything sexual with them, which is why this kills me. I went to therapy for it and I managed to push through it and got better. I went a year and half without giving it any thought. Since that had happened I would look at kids and I wouldn’t view them sexually or anything, I was the old me, it was like that instant never happened. There was no desire. But now the thoughts have resurfaced again and I am remembering what happened and I am stressing out and panicking. I hate myself for what I thought and did. I question why I felt that groin thing when I saw her butt and why I flexedit as if I would for an older women. I can’t seem to forgive myself. I hate myself for letting that happen. I regret every thinking that even if it wasn’t trying to do anything with her. It just disgusts me that this happened. I don’t like children, thinking about their parts or having any sexual thoughts about them right now gives me the chills and I can’t picture myself doing anything with them. But I hate myself for viewing her butt and feeling some sort of attraction for it. I don’t understand why it happened. I tell myself that maybe it was because it was a butt that sort of reminded me of an older woman’s butt, because I am attracted to smaller butts on women my age. During that moment I was only thinking of her butt and not the kid itself because even after It happened I remember trying to feel what I felt with the little girl and I couldn’t I was grossed out. I just don’t know what to do, I’m searching for answers, is this my anxiety messing with me, or am I a bad sick person? I feel like a pedo/monster.