somestudent
31-08-17, 22:14
Hi I apologize in advance this might be a bit lengthy but I have no one else to talk to about whats going on with me. None of my friends or family know what I'm dealing with.
I want to give a bit of background into what I'm going through. again i apologize but I'm just going to let everything out. I'm scared and just need people who can be there for me right now. I've been dealing with Health Anxiety for almost 2 years now. I've always been someone who had a tendency to worry and I've struggled with depression in the past so this bout with HA doesn't surprise me. I'm doing a bit better now but for the better part of 3 days I was locked in my room not really speaking with anyone scared I was dying from cancer. This period of my life began December of 2015. I had just gone through a tough semester at business school and i hadn't performed well at all. I was terrified I was going to be kicked out of my program. During the exam period I noticed a pinch/poke like sensation was happening on my skin. It was very quick the pain was mild but sharp. I didn't make to much of it because i assumed it was due to the pizza and dr. pepper diet I was consuming during exams. Eventually I survived exams and shortly after i noticed a twitch in my chest. At first it didn't seriously bother me but after it persisted i decided to just do a quick google search. I was curious and wanted to know what was going on. I haven't been the same person since.
My first great fear was ALS once the initial fear set in the twitching set in. Every part of my body was affected. My arms, chest, legs, neck, back, literally everywhere began twitching. Always at different times and it was as if their was an agreement that they'd cycle and take turns scaring me to death. I also began to fear it a brain tumor was forming. My uncle had developed one and I thought that I was up next. I became obsessed with googling different diseases trying to determine exactly what was wrong with me. I was in a very dark place and I was convinced I wasn't going to see next year. H.A. has a snowball effect . The moment i started worrying the more "symptoms" I was getting that or my laser focus on my body was making me aware of every single twitch, twinge, dull pain, etc. that my body was having.
Ever since then I've been a mental mess. I'm too afraid to share what I'm going through with people because I don't think they'll be able to fully comprehend what I'm going through. Also what advice could they possibly give me. I'm usually a rational, logic based, numbers kind of guy when it comes to my school work and professional life but in this area of my life I have no control. I can't even fully enjoy the good times I have because I'm always reminded by my anxious mind that Its all temporary I have a disease slowly developing in my system. My mind switches from cancer to cancer, infection to infection with no rest. Almost like a silent hum my mind is always playing the H.A. tune in my head. there hasn't been a day since December 2015 that I haven't gotten anxious about my health. I recently experienced what i believe was an anxiety attack. I was at work and i couldn't cope with life. I was over taken with fear and barely held on that day. Earlier this week I felt like crying in my room and just quitting on life because there is no point if I'm going to die of a terrible disease in the imminent future. I'm doing better today but I can't go through that again I felt so alone and scared. No one to talk to. embarrassed to ask friends for help because I'm usually the one telling people to chill and be rational and not to overthink things. My H.A. makes it hard for me to go to the doctors. It takes a lot for me to make it to the doctor because im terrified of being told I have. I hate the new "symptoms" its never ending and i can't find a moment of peace. I just want to a day where my mind is relaxed and im not thinking about dying or killing myself.
I want to give a bit of background into what I'm going through. again i apologize but I'm just going to let everything out. I'm scared and just need people who can be there for me right now. I've been dealing with Health Anxiety for almost 2 years now. I've always been someone who had a tendency to worry and I've struggled with depression in the past so this bout with HA doesn't surprise me. I'm doing a bit better now but for the better part of 3 days I was locked in my room not really speaking with anyone scared I was dying from cancer. This period of my life began December of 2015. I had just gone through a tough semester at business school and i hadn't performed well at all. I was terrified I was going to be kicked out of my program. During the exam period I noticed a pinch/poke like sensation was happening on my skin. It was very quick the pain was mild but sharp. I didn't make to much of it because i assumed it was due to the pizza and dr. pepper diet I was consuming during exams. Eventually I survived exams and shortly after i noticed a twitch in my chest. At first it didn't seriously bother me but after it persisted i decided to just do a quick google search. I was curious and wanted to know what was going on. I haven't been the same person since.
My first great fear was ALS once the initial fear set in the twitching set in. Every part of my body was affected. My arms, chest, legs, neck, back, literally everywhere began twitching. Always at different times and it was as if their was an agreement that they'd cycle and take turns scaring me to death. I also began to fear it a brain tumor was forming. My uncle had developed one and I thought that I was up next. I became obsessed with googling different diseases trying to determine exactly what was wrong with me. I was in a very dark place and I was convinced I wasn't going to see next year. H.A. has a snowball effect . The moment i started worrying the more "symptoms" I was getting that or my laser focus on my body was making me aware of every single twitch, twinge, dull pain, etc. that my body was having.
Ever since then I've been a mental mess. I'm too afraid to share what I'm going through with people because I don't think they'll be able to fully comprehend what I'm going through. Also what advice could they possibly give me. I'm usually a rational, logic based, numbers kind of guy when it comes to my school work and professional life but in this area of my life I have no control. I can't even fully enjoy the good times I have because I'm always reminded by my anxious mind that Its all temporary I have a disease slowly developing in my system. My mind switches from cancer to cancer, infection to infection with no rest. Almost like a silent hum my mind is always playing the H.A. tune in my head. there hasn't been a day since December 2015 that I haven't gotten anxious about my health. I recently experienced what i believe was an anxiety attack. I was at work and i couldn't cope with life. I was over taken with fear and barely held on that day. Earlier this week I felt like crying in my room and just quitting on life because there is no point if I'm going to die of a terrible disease in the imminent future. I'm doing better today but I can't go through that again I felt so alone and scared. No one to talk to. embarrassed to ask friends for help because I'm usually the one telling people to chill and be rational and not to overthink things. My H.A. makes it hard for me to go to the doctors. It takes a lot for me to make it to the doctor because im terrified of being told I have. I hate the new "symptoms" its never ending and i can't find a moment of peace. I just want to a day where my mind is relaxed and im not thinking about dying or killing myself.