Don't know who to turn too

[jennybeth]

I've suffered from anxiety for years. Recent months after counselling I've been on top of the world. Felt great about a lot of stuff and was in a really good place. Although my brain couldn't stop thinking 'what if this changes' 'what if I go back to feeling bad'. It was as if that great feeling shouldn't be allowed to last, as if I didn't deserve it, panic and anxiety free. I then stupidly cheated on my fiancé, nothing physical, just texts and emotion. It all blew up and I nearly lost him, the love of my life. My world has completely changed. I can't sleep, barely eat and I keep thinking about what I did. And did I orchestrate it myself as I wasn't allowed to feel good? I can't speak to my friends or family as I know they're ashamed of me, my fiancé is being amazing and accepting me for what I've done but still feel like he's going to hold it against me for the rest of our lives. I quit my job to focus on us and my return to uni, however I feel so so trapped. I've spent the morning in tears from and argument with my mum.
I just don't know who to turn too or what to do. I can't see an answer

[hanshan]

Being happy makes you anxious that it might all end. The reaction to anxiety is often the fight or flight mechanism - flight to escape your anxiety. So you actually do something that will wreck your happiness because it stops the anxiety.

You need to accept your happiness without feeling anxious - maybe some more time with your therapist. Keep the lines of communication open with your fiance and your family. Keep talking, and you will work your way through it.

[jennybeth]

Thank you. You're the first person who's kinda understood, everyone just keeps asking me why I would mess it all up when everything was perfect. Too me it wasn't, I still had the thoughts, it was just more subdued, and maybe worse as I felt I didn't deserve it. He's at work every day and I'm home alone, I feel so lonely and miserable, which was where the affair started in the first place, I know I'll never go back to that though. I just feel like this loneliness is my punishment for what I've done

[jennybeth]

Having another bad day today. Told him I loved him, his response was I hope so. No belief, I know the trust is hard but I'm terrified. My anxiety is through the roof, I'm pacing, wondering if it's too early to have a drink to block the pain out. I'm wringing my hands, pulling my hair and feel like I can barely breathe every few seconds. I'm starting to wonder what the point is :(

[I Don't Get it!]

I can't help thinking (my personal non-qualified opinion) that although you successfully tackled your Anxiety (well done!), maybe you didn't address the root cause of it, which sounds like low self-esteem and lack of confidence.

Now you need to work on those.

Have you felt that you're not good enough for a long time? Do other people's opinions of you have the power to hurt you deeply? That's a sure sign of low self-esteem.

You need to learn that you are good enough and you do deserve kindness, compassion and happiness (especially from you). There are lots of tools out there, you just have to find the right ones for you. Self help Books, CD's and MP3's, Counselling & Therapy - do some research on fixing low Self-esteem and see if anything speaks to you.

I was just listening to "Unf*ck Yourself" today and it really clicked with me.

My apologies if I've got it completely got it wrong! (maybe it's just me, lol).

Be kind to yourself, OK :flowers: