elik
01-09-17, 14:52
I am losing it all over again - this waiting game for everything to fall into place is never ending and I am never not miserable or in some serious internal conflict. I hate myself more than words - I over complicate and analyse everything and have done from a very young age so I am hard wired to think certain ways, making it all the more difficult to break out of these habits. Its ruining my life and I am so frustrated because life is short and I just want to let go of all of this but I truly just can't. My social anxiety is off the richter scale at the moment and I just want to run away to a secluded island and for everyone to forget I existed - for real. Guilt is a constant feeling, and not just a platonic guilt, a full blow paralysing guilt that ruins my day and makes me feel physically sick. Half of the things around me in life I do not want or am unhappy about but I won't do anything about it because it involves inflicting on others and I am so scared of people judging me or upsetting them that I just remain trapped and so frustrated and angry at myself. I just look at others and think HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS - how do you get by each day and not kill yourself over everything you do and say. Therefore I've learnt to just do everything that people want me to and always be happy so that no one has a reason to look at me in a negative way. HOW DOES THIS CYCLE STOP - HOW CAN I EVER FEEL FREE AND FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE - HAPPY!!!