jared
02-09-17, 19:28
In over 10 years, I haven't come to the point of cutting or slitting.
Today that all changed.
A little back story.
Nothing and nobody is on my side. Ever. If I say one thing, there's five other people telling me the opposite is true. I have troubles at my job. I have troubles in my personal life where my fiance doesn't want to talk about anything. I have trouble with anybody paying any attention or respect to me.
I'm a musician. I have gloriously released 6 albums all by myself, with no help, from anyone. Ever. I have played all of the parts perfectly on each instrument. I have mixed and mastered them. They sound as good as anything out there today. But do I sell them? No. Not a single damn sale. I'm insanely talented and very good at rhythm and melody. But yet I can't get a drummer to commit. They play for a month and leave. Or they play for a day and leave. I swear I'm not mean or anything. I encourage them, tell them great job, etc. Nobody wants to stick around. IF I play a show, and people clap (albeit quietly than other acts), they still don't want anything to do with my work. I have a facebook band page. I have maybe 40 likes. Yet a band page that started up last week can have over 500. I can't get gigs. I can't get people to give a shit or follow me. I post a new album, and out of my 500 "friends" I get maybe 6 likes. I post a new status update regarding a life change, something huge, and I get 5 likes. Someone posts a picture of themselves sitting on their back deck and boom, 230 likes. I don't get it.
Apart from social MEDIA, my social life sucks too. I don't have any real life friends where I live. Closest friend is 330 miles away. I've tried. People fade away. They don't show up. They flake or stop calling or texting. "Getting a drink" or "hanging out" turns into "yeah something came up". I work at a job where I am treated unfairly and it goes unnoticed. Yet when I try to even the score myself (since nobody will stick up for me), I'm chastised as an @$$ hole and yelled at by 5 different people. One of the people I work with is an autistic moron (yes I said it, flame away) and I posted on facebook that I don't get along with autistic people. Not to mention I've also dealt with an online stalker who is a known autistic too, and an auty kid my ex wife tried to get me to adopt kept stealing stuff, cursing at my mom, and getting me in trouble with the law. My fiancee's brother is autistic, and he's never thankful for anything and is a wannabe Nazi. So yeah I'm not too fond of the type. On the post, My "friends" all jumped on to say that I was a selfish @$$ who deserved to die etc etc. And that I'm the moron. Where were all of you people when I posted my life change story or my new album? Huh? Now you feel the need to jump out of the bushes to beat me to death. On top of that facebook suspended my profile for posting that one comment, "I don't get along with autistic people".
Also, ^^^ if a handful of you jump on here to flame me for that, I'm prepared. I've got my bat and ready to start hitting the balls that are being fast pitched at my face because yeah, it makes so much more sense to throw shit at somebody than to get to know them and YOU don't know MY story, so **** you.
Basically
TLDR, I can never do anything right in the eyes of anyone, and someone can do something five times worse and be applauded and I do something minor and I get totally outcasted. I'm a real life pariah.
Last night my fiancee cried herself to sleep because she was afraid I was going to kill myself. I put a gun to my head and realized it wasn't loaded so I loaded the magazine with hollow points and she took the gun away before I could grab it. Today after she left for work I slit my wrists. I'm currently bandaging my wounds and it took a long time to type this as it's practically one-handed.
I don't know if I'm asking for advice, or for support, or just to post something somewhere so somebody remembers me somehow. I've vowed to shut everyone out of my life yet here I am begging for people again.
Life is a damn sick joke.
Today that all changed.
A little back story.
Nothing and nobody is on my side. Ever. If I say one thing, there's five other people telling me the opposite is true. I have troubles at my job. I have troubles in my personal life where my fiance doesn't want to talk about anything. I have trouble with anybody paying any attention or respect to me.
I'm a musician. I have gloriously released 6 albums all by myself, with no help, from anyone. Ever. I have played all of the parts perfectly on each instrument. I have mixed and mastered them. They sound as good as anything out there today. But do I sell them? No. Not a single damn sale. I'm insanely talented and very good at rhythm and melody. But yet I can't get a drummer to commit. They play for a month and leave. Or they play for a day and leave. I swear I'm not mean or anything. I encourage them, tell them great job, etc. Nobody wants to stick around. IF I play a show, and people clap (albeit quietly than other acts), they still don't want anything to do with my work. I have a facebook band page. I have maybe 40 likes. Yet a band page that started up last week can have over 500. I can't get gigs. I can't get people to give a shit or follow me. I post a new album, and out of my 500 "friends" I get maybe 6 likes. I post a new status update regarding a life change, something huge, and I get 5 likes. Someone posts a picture of themselves sitting on their back deck and boom, 230 likes. I don't get it.
Apart from social MEDIA, my social life sucks too. I don't have any real life friends where I live. Closest friend is 330 miles away. I've tried. People fade away. They don't show up. They flake or stop calling or texting. "Getting a drink" or "hanging out" turns into "yeah something came up". I work at a job where I am treated unfairly and it goes unnoticed. Yet when I try to even the score myself (since nobody will stick up for me), I'm chastised as an @$$ hole and yelled at by 5 different people. One of the people I work with is an autistic moron (yes I said it, flame away) and I posted on facebook that I don't get along with autistic people. Not to mention I've also dealt with an online stalker who is a known autistic too, and an auty kid my ex wife tried to get me to adopt kept stealing stuff, cursing at my mom, and getting me in trouble with the law. My fiancee's brother is autistic, and he's never thankful for anything and is a wannabe Nazi. So yeah I'm not too fond of the type. On the post, My "friends" all jumped on to say that I was a selfish @$$ who deserved to die etc etc. And that I'm the moron. Where were all of you people when I posted my life change story or my new album? Huh? Now you feel the need to jump out of the bushes to beat me to death. On top of that facebook suspended my profile for posting that one comment, "I don't get along with autistic people".
Also, ^^^ if a handful of you jump on here to flame me for that, I'm prepared. I've got my bat and ready to start hitting the balls that are being fast pitched at my face because yeah, it makes so much more sense to throw shit at somebody than to get to know them and YOU don't know MY story, so **** you.
Basically
TLDR, I can never do anything right in the eyes of anyone, and someone can do something five times worse and be applauded and I do something minor and I get totally outcasted. I'm a real life pariah.
Last night my fiancee cried herself to sleep because she was afraid I was going to kill myself. I put a gun to my head and realized it wasn't loaded so I loaded the magazine with hollow points and she took the gun away before I could grab it. Today after she left for work I slit my wrists. I'm currently bandaging my wounds and it took a long time to type this as it's practically one-handed.
I don't know if I'm asking for advice, or for support, or just to post something somewhere so somebody remembers me somehow. I've vowed to shut everyone out of my life yet here I am begging for people again.
Life is a damn sick joke.