View Full Version : Intimacy issues have left me feeling ugly
I have a number of issues.. Anxiety, health anxiety etc, I can keep those under control but my low self esteem, or hatred of myself, and my social anxiety are massive problems that won't go away..
I feel like the intimacy issues with my husband are only serving to magnify how much I hate my looks.. Then my thoughts pick through all the other things, like my inability to ever go to the 101 work things he/we get asked to go to, and I just end up feeling awful, like I let my husband down.
I've been with my husband for 13 years but I just feel so ugly. I used to feel like he was the one person in the world that would always fancy me.. But now I'm at the point where I'm only ok with myself whenever I'm not around him. With him I feel disgusting. I can't relax, I'm always fussing with my hair because it's not as long and thick as it used to be, making sure my makeup is right because my skin is a little older and wrinkles are starting out, I generally just feel on edge. I don't even like leaving the house anymore if I'm honest.
He looks at me and I don't feel anything genuine from him. He does say the right things but when it comes to intimacy things really go downhill. We've been having problems for 2 years and I feel my self esteem has taken a massive hit.
I'll apologise is this is tmi, I really don't mean to offend or upset anyone if I do..
I was with my first boyfriend for 2.5yrs and he was my very first partner, for the last 1.5yrs he would ask me to lay a certain way, do things a certain way as he didn't like the way I looked otherwise, in the end it caused me so much heartache that I left. But now I'm finding my husband is doing similar things and I feel heartbroken.. He's covered me up a few times, keeps making me sit or lay in certain ways and it just takes me back to the way I used to feel with that first boyfriend.. Ugly.
Whenever there's any light in the room he never finishes and it always ends with him being unable to carry on. I feel he genuinely loves me but has just gone off me, he says the right things out of love, but I don't think he is genuine.. The proof is there, he's fine in the morning iykwim, fine in the pitch black.. It's just me, me in the light and it all goes wrong.
I've not told him any of this, I keep saying it's ok, he shouldn't worry, it doesn't matter.. When deep down I do feel rejected and ugly.
Daft things like him saying he wouldn't take me places if I wore dungarees (partly I'm messing about, saying I think they'd be comfy blah blah), but ultimately he's serious.. Yet when we go out he's got oil all over his jeans, dinner down his top, crocs on his feet, I genuinely couldn't give a monkeys. I think he's ace, I genuinely do. I don't see the grey in his beard, his balding head (his words) - I'm not bothered by any of it.
We've both gold older, our bodies have changed yet I'm the one trying to exercise and keep ok (if nothing else to try and raise my self esteem a little), he does nothing but I love and fancy him the same.
I don't have the body of that 24yr old I used to have and that's probably why he asks that I keep my top on, why he holds my bottom up(!).. I know I'm not that young woman anymore, but if we're like this now, what hope is there for me/us in another 13 or 26yrs time from now!
I have questioned if everyone would see me in this way, could I possibly be attractive to anyone anymore.. Part of me wants to know, but the biggest part of all says yes, I am just this ugly if two blokes have done the same thing then it's me, I'm just horrible. But I'll always have this face and body - A miserable life stuck inside myself - I do wish I were someone else.
The worrying thing is that I do try and look nice but nothing works, nothing makes me look nice IMO. So what's left?
I try my hardest but that spark seems to have gone, intimacy now always feels manufacturered.. It has to be a certain day, certain time, certain ways.. Just writing this is making me cry.
Not sure what the purpose is on my whining, I just can't tell anyone else all this.
Has anyone else's husband gone off them, what should I do, keep trying or just get a paper bag to put over my head!?
X
kitkat3478
05-09-17, 15:03
Hi, I'm wondering if maybe you both had a proper sit down chat about it as people are not mind readers and you might be reading into something that isn't actually being thought, maybe he has got a problem and is trying to make himself feel better by putting his insecurities onto you, then that takes the focus off him. I think the only way your going to know is to ask?, he might not even realise that he's making you feel that way. I imagine your not all the things you think you are either, it's anxiety creeping in and making you doubt yourself x
HI Hmm it's a difficult one in some ways, but I feel for you I have had relationships but they suck so not interested any more sooner have good friends who accept me for ME :)
I am not sure talking to him will make any difference to the situation, you can try of course :) Maybe marriage guidance or relate may help!Sorry but I don't mean to be offensive in any way but he sounds a right scutter
and a controlling person to boot. He wont let you were clean dungarees but it's ok for him to go out with last nights dinner down his top and oil on his jeans :eek: have you ever brought that up with him? Truly if you are miserable may be it's time to leave ( have you any children?) Come on chin up you are better than that and seem a good person :hugs:
HI Hmm it's a difficult one in some ways, but I feel for you I have had relationships but they suck so not interested any more sooner have good friends who accept me for ME :)
I am not sure talking to him will make any difference to the situation, you can try of course :) Maybe marriage guidance or relate may help!Sorry but I don't mean to be offensive in any way but he sounds a right scutter
and a controlling person to boot. He wont let you were clean dungarees but it's ok for him to go out with last nights dinner down his top and oil on his jeans :eek: have you ever brought that up with him? Truly if you are miserable may be it's time to leave ( have you any children?) Come on chin up you are better than that and seem a good person :hugs:
Or maybe he just doesn't like dungarees? I don't particularly like shell suits and wouldn't really want my partner going out in one. I doubt she'd want me to either. Doesn't mean you love the contents any less.
As for telling you to sit or lay in certain positions, are you sure that's down to how you look? Maybe he prefers those positions. You haven't asked so I think it's unfair to just assume that's what it is.
We all have insecurities about certain parts of our body. I know I do, I know my partner does too. We have spoken openly to each other about this and we both agree that these insecurities are our own. We are almost always our own worst critics.
If you actually speak to your partner and maybe stop tarring him with the same brush as your ex, you might be surprised at just how attractive he does find you. I mean, if he were really embarrassed by you, would he even ask you to attend social events with him?
As for "not finishing", again, how do you know he isn't picking up a vibe from you? If he senses your discomfort then how can he possibly engage totally? That would certainly put me off, if I thought my partner just did not want to be there.
Hi, I'm wondering if maybe you both had a proper sit down chat about it as people are not mind readers and you might be reading into something that isn't actually being thought, maybe he has got a problem and is trying to make himself feel better by putting his insecurities onto you, then that takes the focus off him. I think the only way your going to know is to ask?, he might not even realise that he's making you feel that way. I imagine your not all the things you think you are either, it's anxiety creeping in and making you doubt yourself x
We've spoken but he doesn't really acknowledge that there is a change, lights off, keep your clothes on etc.. That's only come about in the last two years, alongside the other problem I just kind of go along to not make him feel any worse about the whole (not being able to carry on) thing, it could be me putting two and two together, but as they've both come hand in hand within the last two years and no changes elsewhere, work etc, I've slowly come to feel like it's me.
It's a difficult subject to talk properly about, for both of us I guess. I don't want to come off selfish or make him feel any worse about it all.. Hence venting here I guess :)
Ty
---------- Post added at 18:49 ---------- Previous post was at 18:29 ----------
Or maybe he just doesn't like dungarees? I don't particularly like shell suits and wouldn't really want my partner going out in one. I doubt she'd want me to either. Doesn't mean you love the contents any less.
As for telling you to sit or lay in certain positions, are you sure that's down to how you look? Maybe he prefers those positions. You haven't asked so I think it's unfair to just assume that's what it is.
We all have insecurities about certain parts of our body. I know I do, I know my partner does too. We have spoken openly to each other about this and we both agree that these insecurities are our own. We are almost always our own worst critics.
If you actually speak to your partner and maybe stop tarring him with the same brush as your ex, you might be surprised at just how attractive he does find you. I mean, if he were really embarrassed by you, would he even ask you to attend social events with him?
As for "not finishing", again, how do you know he isn't picking up a vibe from you? If he senses your discomfort then how can he possibly engage totally? That would certainly put me off, if I thought my partner just did not want to be there.
You're right, he doesn't like dungarees and certain other types of clothing. The point is, personally I couldn't care less what he wears, I certainly wouldn't avoid going somewhere with him unless I felt he was in clothing I approved of. He never used to be bothered, now he's pretty vocal about it. I accept his opinion so I won't rush out and buy any....
We have spoken about it and nothing's changed, he's still doing the same things. And he's hardly likely to admit, "yes, I find you unattractive" is he.
I know what I feel and what changes there have been. I just wondered if any other women had had any experiences like this, or any advice to share with me.
What brush am I tarring him with?
Who said I didn't want to be there? I'd just rather it not be under certain conditions that's all - Lights off, top on, laying in the same positions, midday Saturday in the dark preferable.. That's not unreasonable is it?
Despite my list I'm still there, still trying to make it work. It would just be nice to feel like I'm wanted regardless.
He's not picked up on any feeling from me, if ever there's a time I don't want to, I won't and I tell him why and he's ok with it.
Or maybe he just doesn't like dungarees? I don't particularly like shell suits and wouldn't really want my partner going out in one. I doubt she'd want me to either. Doesn't mean you love the contents any less.
As for telling you to sit or lay in certain positions, are you sure that's down to how you look? Maybe he prefers those positions. You haven't asked so I think it's unfair to just assume that's what it is.
We all have insecurities about certain parts of our body. I know I do, I know my partner does too. We have spoken openly to each other about this and we both agree that these insecurities are our own. We are almost always our own worst critics.
If you actually speak to your partner and maybe stop tarring him with the same brush as your ex, you might be surprised at just how attractive he does find you. I mean, if he were really embarrassed by you, would he even ask you to attend social events with him?
As for "not finishing", again, how do you know he isn't picking up a vibe from you? If he senses your discomfort then how can he possibly engage totally? That would certainly put me off, if I thought my partner just did not want to be there.Ahh Yes ok but he is in a dirty top and oil covered jeans nah he needs to allow his wife to be comfortable it's a two way street really :)
Think both parties are best talking this with a mediator to make sense of whats going on! Cheers
I have a number of issues.. Anxiety, health anxiety etc, I can keep those under control but my low self esteem, or hatred of myself, and my social anxiety are massive problems that won't go away..
I feel like the intimacy issues with my husband are only serving to magnify how much I hate my looks.. Then my thoughts pick through all the other things, like my inability to ever go to the 101 work things he/we get asked to go to, and I just end up feeling awful, like I let my husband down.
I've been with my husband for 13 years but I just feel so ugly. I used to feel like he was the one person in the world that would always fancy me.. But now I'm at the point where I'm only ok with myself whenever I'm not around him. With him I feel disgusting. I can't relax, I'm always fussing with my hair because it's not as long and thick as it used to be, making sure my makeup is right because my skin is a little older and wrinkles are starting out, I generally just feel on edge. I don't even like leaving the house anymore if I'm honest.
He looks at me and I don't feel anything genuine from him. He does say the right things but when it comes to intimacy things really go downhill. We've been having problems for 2 years and I feel my self esteem has taken a massive hit.
I'll apologise is this is tmi, I really don't mean to offend or upset anyone if I do..
I was with my first boyfriend for 2.5yrs and he was my very first partner, for the last 1.5yrs he would ask me to lay a certain way, do things a certain way as he didn't like the way I looked otherwise, in the end it caused me so much heartache that I left. But now I'm finding my husband is doing similar things and I feel heartbroken.. He's covered me up a few times, keeps making me sit or lay in certain ways and it just takes me back to the way I used to feel with that first boyfriend.. Ugly.
Whenever there's any light in the room he never finishes and it always ends with him being unable to carry on. I feel he genuinely loves me but has just gone off me, he says the right things out of love, but I don't think he is genuine.. The proof is there, he's fine in the morning iykwim, fine in the pitch black.. It's just me, me in the light and it all goes wrong.
I've not told him any of this, I keep saying it's ok, he shouldn't worry, it doesn't matter.. When deep down I do feel rejected and ugly.
Daft things like him saying he wouldn't take me places if I wore dungarees (partly I'm messing about, saying I think they'd be comfy blah blah), but ultimately he's serious.. Yet when we go out he's got oil all over his jeans, dinner down his top, crocs on his feet, I genuinely couldn't give a monkeys. I think he's ace, I genuinely do. I don't see the grey in his beard, his balding head (his words) - I'm not bothered by any of it.
We've both gold older, our bodies have changed yet I'm the one trying to exercise and keep ok (if nothing else to try and raise my self esteem a little), he does nothing but I love and fancy him the same.
I don't have the body of that 24yr old I used to have and that's probably why he asks that I keep my top on, why he holds my bottom up(!).. I know I'm not that young woman anymore, but if we're like this now, what hope is there for me/us in another 13 or 26yrs time from now!
I have questioned if everyone would see me in this way, could I possibly be attractive to anyone anymore.. Part of me wants to know, but the biggest part of all says yes, I am just this ugly if two blokes have done the same thing then it's me, I'm just horrible. But I'll always have this face and body - A miserable life stuck inside myself - I do wish I were someone else.
The worrying thing is that I do try and look nice but nothing works, nothing makes me look nice IMO. So what's left?
I try my hardest but that spark seems to have gone, intimacy now always feels manufacturered.. It has to be a certain day, certain time, certain ways.. Just writing this is making me cry.
Not sure what the purpose is on my whining, I just can't tell anyone else all this.
Has anyone else's husband gone off them, what should I do, keep trying or just get a paper bag to put over my head!?
X
Any chance your husband could be wrapped up in pornography? It can be quite damaging to a marriage.
MyNameIsTerry
06-09-17, 04:42
He should love you for who you are. If he is concerned about materialistic things then I think the issues are within him. Even more so since he places a higher standard on what you should be like yet he can get away with much less.
But I'm not saying he doesn't love you but I feel he needs to be reminded that marriage is an equal partnership and placing these unreasonable demands means there is a respect issue that can be damaging to you.
It's fine to prefer positions that differ but shouldn't it be about give & take? If you are both ok with it, that's your choice but it seems more like he expects it regardless of what you want.
As for not finishing, I think this is again part of a pattern of taking you for granted. On It's own I would say it's something many have to deal with naturally in relationships as it's difficult to really understand whether what you are doing is enough unless your partner is screaming the walls down. As a man this has always been in my mind as to whether I'm doing enough and would encourage my GF to tell me what she wants as I'm not there for my own gratification and it's not a one night stand. It can also be something you can feel bad about too as you want to please so ideally any climax is best shared but that's not as easy as the films make out!
I kind of get the image of your husband as a roll on roll off kind of guy.
The first BF, whilst it shaped part of how you think, is one to ignore. He was also sexually immature. He also sounds like he was unreasonable too.
You say you think no man would think you were anything but ugly. Well if that was the case there would be a lot of not so good looking people both male & female never having relationships in this world. I would be knackered for a start! :biggrin:
You are in a prime to me at that age, there is a lot to be said for the attractiveness of a woman who is maturing...many of us men prefer that to younger women you know!
I wonder how your husband would feel if you made him do certain things like this? With the lights off you could wonder if he was self conscious but given his attitude to you I don't think that's the case.
If you want to wear dungarees, that's really your choice. I wouldn't like them either but it's tough toenails as your other half has a right to their own individuality. But going out with unclean clothing is obviously something anyone would have an issue with yet you love him so much you let it pass. I wonder whether he sees that in a negative way, more power swung his way?
Any chance your husband could be wrapped up in pornography? It can be quite damaging to a marriage.
Good point Noivous, porn can be very harmless to a relationship because of the damage it causes to men's brains.
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