David Raw
06-09-17, 17:31
NOTE: I’m writing this for myself, not to be shared with anyone else, completely private. Unless keeping all my feelings to myself, not sharing with anybody at all gets too much and I’m at ‘boiling point’. And if I am stupid enough to share this, it will be exactly as I write it (nothing changed or altered).
…..So here I am being an ‘idiot’, sharing this - not for ‘likes’, not for attention, just to try to help myself; to get it off of my chest. Keeping it all to myself is driving me insane(er)... This is already quite hard to post because, as I have said, I’ve always kept it to myself. Never really putting it down on paper (or on the internet in this instance).
Anxiety is hard. Real hard. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when my anxiety started, all I know is that it’s been a massive factor for most of my life but not for all of it. It’s now at the point where it’s affecting my life in a huge way, it’s making my life worse and worse every day for as long as it’s a problem, it’s stopping me from doing what I really want to do.
Imagine… Imagine doing something such as going to the local shop - easy right? Not for anxiety… Walking down the street and going to the shop should be as simple as you think. It’s not. You take notice of every little thing and start to worry about it. Every. Thing.
‘Is that person looking at me, Oh shit they are… Don’t make eye contact, What if I do? Do I say hi? Ignore them? Please don’t look at me. What about that other person across the road? Are they going to look at me? Is that other person going to drop their bag? What if they do? What if they don’t? Am I walking straight? What if I’m slightly going off at an angle? What will everyone think?’
It just keeps going, all the thoughts overlapping each other until it’s all you are thinking about. Imagine having that happening everywhere you go, when you see anyone, friend or stranger… Every waking hour…
Talking to people, again, friend or not, my brain is always frying. I worry I cannot make conversation. I worry about what it is I should say. What I should say in reply to what some else said. I worry so much, my heart starts thumping, I start breathing much heavier, I panic. I’m frightened of going to University, of getting a good job, of doing anything. So I don’t. I can’t. I can barely cope with normal everyday things that pretty much everyone on this whole planet do. Saying it like that actually makes me sound pathetic - I should stop being to petty and just get on with it; this thought and similar ones is what keeps me up at night, unable to sleep. For years. I conclude every night that I’m going to sort out my life, get it back on track… Those thoughts are all gone come the morning. My anxiety has gotten so bad I just simply cannot.
I am honestly so scared to just to walk down the street in Hawes - when I do bring myself around to doing (usually because there is simply no other choice) I first have to think about it for a few hours, kind of ‘psych’ myself up - I have to think of all the possible outcomes (what could go right, what could go wrong) I have to try and convince myself that it will ‘probably be fine’. Then when I finally bring myself to going out I’m still worrying just as much. I want to go to University. I want to have a good job. I want to learn and drive. I want to go out on a night with friends. I want to have relationships. I want to have a normal, good life. But I can’t. I can’t.
Anxiety is simply ruining my life. I could do so much. I could be so much more. I can’t.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
…..So here I am being an ‘idiot’, sharing this - not for ‘likes’, not for attention, just to try to help myself; to get it off of my chest. Keeping it all to myself is driving me insane(er)... This is already quite hard to post because, as I have said, I’ve always kept it to myself. Never really putting it down on paper (or on the internet in this instance).
Anxiety is hard. Real hard. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when my anxiety started, all I know is that it’s been a massive factor for most of my life but not for all of it. It’s now at the point where it’s affecting my life in a huge way, it’s making my life worse and worse every day for as long as it’s a problem, it’s stopping me from doing what I really want to do.
Imagine… Imagine doing something such as going to the local shop - easy right? Not for anxiety… Walking down the street and going to the shop should be as simple as you think. It’s not. You take notice of every little thing and start to worry about it. Every. Thing.
‘Is that person looking at me, Oh shit they are… Don’t make eye contact, What if I do? Do I say hi? Ignore them? Please don’t look at me. What about that other person across the road? Are they going to look at me? Is that other person going to drop their bag? What if they do? What if they don’t? Am I walking straight? What if I’m slightly going off at an angle? What will everyone think?’
It just keeps going, all the thoughts overlapping each other until it’s all you are thinking about. Imagine having that happening everywhere you go, when you see anyone, friend or stranger… Every waking hour…
Talking to people, again, friend or not, my brain is always frying. I worry I cannot make conversation. I worry about what it is I should say. What I should say in reply to what some else said. I worry so much, my heart starts thumping, I start breathing much heavier, I panic. I’m frightened of going to University, of getting a good job, of doing anything. So I don’t. I can’t. I can barely cope with normal everyday things that pretty much everyone on this whole planet do. Saying it like that actually makes me sound pathetic - I should stop being to petty and just get on with it; this thought and similar ones is what keeps me up at night, unable to sleep. For years. I conclude every night that I’m going to sort out my life, get it back on track… Those thoughts are all gone come the morning. My anxiety has gotten so bad I just simply cannot.
I am honestly so scared to just to walk down the street in Hawes - when I do bring myself around to doing (usually because there is simply no other choice) I first have to think about it for a few hours, kind of ‘psych’ myself up - I have to think of all the possible outcomes (what could go right, what could go wrong) I have to try and convince myself that it will ‘probably be fine’. Then when I finally bring myself to going out I’m still worrying just as much. I want to go to University. I want to have a good job. I want to learn and drive. I want to go out on a night with friends. I want to have relationships. I want to have a normal, good life. But I can’t. I can’t.
Anxiety is simply ruining my life. I could do so much. I could be so much more. I can’t.
I don’t know what to do anymore.