MyHA
07-09-17, 22:48
Hi, all. I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. I could really use the support this forum offers right now. (Long post ahead) I have dealt with anxiety since my teenage years. At that time, I began having your run of the mill panic attacks. This continuedoes on unto my early 20s (I just turned 30 a few months ago), which is when my anxiety began to manifest in other ways. First a lump in my throat that lasted long enough for my Dr to send me for a thyroid ultrasound to rule out thyroid cancer. Results were clear, so I was placed on an anti-acid and told it was anxiety. It went away almost immediately after I heard the results. I was okay for the next some odd years, until summer about 3 years ago. My dad died the previous winter from unexplained causes after a short stay in the hospital (doctors think he may have had Addison's disease, but he'd also been an alcoholic for years, had an outdated form of gastric bypass, and had had a brain bleed stroke roughly a year before his passing.). 6 months after his passing, I began to develop similar sympoms to his prior to entering the hospital (dizzy, couldn't focus, trouble concentrating, couldn't eat-I went a whole month with no food and only drinking ensure for calories, horrible headaches and pressure). This lead to a midnight ER cat scan, multiple Dr visits, moving back into my mother's house and my daughter going to stay with my husband for 2 weeks at his job (he works out of state). During this time, I could not be convinced I did not have a brain tumor. Despite the tests, Dr's assurance, etc. It was actually this website that pointed me in the direction of depersonalization and derealization. After a little youtubing and listening to others talk about dealing with it, I realized that this was more than likely what I was experiencing (and also what my grandmother went through. She would have spells where her house didn't feel "real", etc.). Slowly, and with the help of medication, I was able to get back to my normal self and have not had health anxiety since then . . . Until now. About 2 months ago, someone I had a relationship with passed away from malignant melanoma. I hadn't spoken to this person in close to 15 years, so I don't know the details of their passing, just the cause and result, but this was someone who in my youth, I had built up as being invincible. Their passing was a huge shock because we are still relatively young. I've also had a period of not taking my meds during this time (which I am normally religious about taking) because of a few financial difficulties where they were not able to be a priority. I have been back on them for about a month, but I was/am still having anxiety. My most recent fear was about scalp melanoma. I have a spot/mole (it's flat and not dark brown) on my head. I don't know how long I've had it as it was only pointed out to me 3 years ago by my mother. I dismissed it at the time because I have lots of moles to begin with and I have been trying not to give into health anxiety. Cue this past week where I have been dealing with the anxiety for lack of meds and my husband being away from home for work and I began to feel off again. I told myself it was just the dp/Dr and it would get better in a few days (it usually does now), but that evening, my mother mentions the spot on my head again and I proceeded to fall back into the HA trap and consulted Dr.Google. Of course, I only find bad things about melanoma and this person''s passing is still fresh in my mind so now, I'm certain I'm dying. That I have cancer that has mestasized. Beating my self up for not having it checked when it was first noticed. I couldn't eat, sleep, hot flashes (adrenaline), crying, feelings of pure terror. So, I immediately went to the Dr office the next morning. The NP come in, I explain that I do suffer from health anxiety, but that this has me concerned, and my mother (who came with me) tells her that she thinks it needs to be checked out. She looked at it and said she didn't think it was anything to worry about. It doesn't meet the ABCDE guidelines and hasn't changed since my mother first noticed it 3 years ago. She said I could go have it removed if it bothered me, but that was about it. She checked the rest of my head (once stopping on a tiny old tattoo i have behind my ear. Its turned greenish over the years and is blurred from being so small), along with my arms etc. Nothing suspicious. She did bring up anxiety medication and counselling, which I told her I take and have done. I just can't shake the idea that she's wrong. I feel like I've regressed so much in the past week and I'm back where I was 3 years ago when I didn't believe I wasn't dying then, either. I hate feeling like this. I hate living in fear. Does anyone have any tips on how they have learned to accept their doctor'doctor's diagnosis without constantly running for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinion? I'm trying my best right now to accept her diagnosis, but the HA in the back of my mind is constant at this moment.
Tl;DR: had melanoma mole scare. Dr said nothing looked suspicious. HA wont allow me to accept this.
Tl;DR: had melanoma mole scare. Dr said nothing looked suspicious. HA wont allow me to accept this.