oh no what have i said

[mirry]

Hubby took me out in the car today and I had a terrible panic attack, but we carried on to the woods with the kids and whilst there i was in tears, told my hubby im so fed up with it all and if it wasnt for him and the kids I would proberly kill myself :weep: . I find im thinking aobut this more and more lately , does this mean im depressed ? I do cry alot , Im just so fed up being me.

[happyone]

Mirry:hugs:

it does sound to me as though you may be depressed hun. Depression is a common part of anxiety. Anx can trigger it off and likewise, depression can make you anx.
Thoughts of feeling like you may want to kill yourself are always worth getting checked out hunny. I have put a depression checklist below. If you have been experiencing 5 or more of these for a fortnight or more, then yes, you may well have depression. Or if you have been experiencing less than 5 but enough to disrupt your quality of life, then yes, you may be suffering from depression.


Depression Checklist


A persistent sad, anxious or empty mood


Sleeping too little or too much


Reduced appetite and/or weight loss or gain


Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed


Restlessness or irritability


Physical symptoms that don't respond to treatment (such as headaches, stomach upsets)


Difficulty in concentration or with memory or making decisions


fatigue or loss of energy


feeling guilty, worthless or hopeless


Feelings or thoughts of suicide, death or self harm



Hope this helps and hope you feel better soon hunny. Feel free to pm me if it helps.
happyone
xx

[Lindalou64]

Awwwwwwww Mirry Hun Im So Sorry You Are Feeling This Way And Yes This Damn Anxiety Can Make You Depressed..i Get Those Feelings Also On Why Do I Bother When Im At My Worst,its Just A Thot Tho And That Will Go Away Mirry,hang In There You Will Start To Feel Better Just Know We Are Here And Understand `100% Take Care..........linda Xxx

[mirry]

happyone, thanks for the list, I scored a 6 so guess i must be.
My nans anniversary of her death was at the end of may and ive been low the past 3 weeks (badly) I keep finding myself thinking of her,yet usually Ive tried blocking it all out from the moment she died, even blocking out the date she died, I miss her so much and cant believe shes gone still. Do you think this could be adding to my anxiety ?
Another thing is , I feel sick on and off. Like lifes making me sick if that makes sence........it doesnt to me either.
I have just done a really fast bicycle ride for 15 mins around my area and felt scared but angry too, I cycled like a mad woman cos I feel so angry at it all.
The faster I went the more I thought "F" it all !!!
very agressive (not usually like me).
Now Im back home and feeling tearful again.

Just feeling very confused and tearful all the time, I look at my children and want to cry , I love them so so so much it hurts.

[happyone]

I think the anniversary of your nans death could have a lot to do with it. from my own experience I don't think that bottling it up helps. Would you consider going for counselling? Maybe your doc could put you in youch with one. Most practices have one linked to the surgery.
I went for counselling after my dad died. It wasn't as much dealing with his death I found difficult but his illness which ultimately took his life. I could not talk about this to people as it is not a nice thing to talk about but I was able to release it with the counsellor.
Another couple of avenues you could consider would be medication from the doc which could and probably would help. It is not shameful to take, it is not addictive and they can and do help.
Or another alternative would be St Johns Wort, a herbal medication. If you decided to try this, I would recommend that you go to a proper herbalist as some of the stuff sold in shops is not an appropriate strength and therefore people think it isn't working, it is just that the doses are too low.
You say you go out on your bike? Exercise is actually really really good and a good outlet for those feelings of anger, which are common in depression and bereavement. I would be concerned that you were putting yourself at risk though if you were cycling on the road where you could be hurt cycling fast. Is there any cycle tracks near you?
I don't know how long ago your nan died, but it seems to me that you may be having a delayed reaction to her passing.

Keep on talking here hun if it helps and do please seek help if you are having suicidal thoughts. A doctor will take you serious ly hun.

Happyone
xx

[june]

Hi Mirry, with reference to your nan's death.
four years ago I found my my younger brother (age 57) dead on his living room floor.
Now, I have suffered panic attacks for many years and still people keep raising this as cause for my panic.
Rather than try to block out this memory I have written the date on my calendar and I go to the grave whenever possible (once a month??) I try not to shy away from this terrible event and yes I cry uncontrolably. Sometimes it helps - sometimes it does not BUT i found that the more I tried NOT to think about him the more i 'saw him in the street' or the TV prog he liked or just about every thing I did; a vision of him cropped up.
So now I have his picture up and i have planted a few plants in memory of him in my garden. NOW it is not so terrifying.
I hope this helps.
i know we have to face our fears, i also know how hard that is.
As the others have said speak to a doctor or councilor who won't say "Oh pull your self together". a phrase we are so fed up with.
all my best wishes to you and try to stop beating yourself you must be lovely cos your family sound caring e.g going for walks together - not many families do that.
love june

[mirry]

thanks june, your right I do have a lovely family , thats why I feel so guilty for my thoughts, I would do anything to hurt them , I know that.

Im going to find out the exact date of my nans death, there was alot of problems at the time of my nans death, basically every one was at her bedside when she died and I was told not to come to the hospital cos she owuld then know she was dying (cos I live far away) then I found out everyone was there except me.......god did it hurt and Ive lived with the guilt ever since. I know it sounds daft but I really did feel bad about it.
Then everyone got a lock of nans hair (except me) My mum was supposed to give me the lock of hair cut for me but she wont give it to me, even tho she has her own lock of hair of nans. Ive felt totally cut out from it all and feel Im being punished and I maybe deserve it.

sorry to go on

[happyone]

Oh Mirry Hunny:hugs:

You in no way deserve anything. I understand your hurt about your nans hair but I imagine your mum is wrapped up in her own grief which unfortunately happens.
before my dad died, he wrote my mum and I a letter. She always said she would copy it for me but she didn't and I don't want to remind her as it would hert her.
Don't worry about not being with your nan when she died. I do think it was rather hard you weren't allowed to see her, but ultimately hunny, it is in your heart that the love comes for your nan, not in her physical presence when she died.
I wasn't with my dad when he died and I gave myself such a hard time over that, I still find it hard to let go of that fact, but I have to or it will eat me up.
Nothing you have said sounds silly to me hun, it sounds like you have a lot of love for your nan. It all sounds perfectly normal to me.
You are not going on either. You are sharing a problem, that s what we do and if it helps, you keep on doing it.

Happyone
xx

[mirry]

Happyone youve made me feel so much better about it all, thankyou :hugs: , Ive never talked about it cos like you say I didnt want to hurt anyone by binging it all up. I had a better day yesturday, only cried once in the morning then as the day went on I felt better.

Havent been sleeping too good, keep getting bad dreams but I will have a nap sometime today when kids are at school:winks: .

Thanks once again and take care xxx

[happyone]

Good for you hun, catch a little nap!

Just keep on talking hun.:hugs:

Happyone
xx

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi Mirry

guess what! You are probably depressed. It's nothing to be ashamed of and suicidal thoughts are quite common...so is the crying. I'm sure your husband is probably pleased that you wouldn't top yourself because of him and the kids. That's a few good reasons not to do the deed don't you think?
Much better that you reveal it rather than bottle it up.
I'm depressed at the moment and I find myself crying a lot...it may be alarming and embarrassing, not only for me but the rest of Joe Soap, but it's the shortest and healthiest way of showing how much you are hurting.
I don't like to give advice because I'm not in your shoes, but if you are really worried about the intensity of these thoughts, why not have a chat with your Doctor (ask your husband if he could accompany you?).

All the best