Wantingtomoveon
11-09-17, 19:50
Hello!
So I posted a topic last week regarding a dream I had and differentiating reality for dreams. I've been super anxious and stressed due to ongoing dental issues and I am flying this coming weekend which is one of my biggest phobias so my head space is a mess at the moment.
I'm constantly ruminating looking for answers re my dream last week and questioning myself.
Then today an old memory popped into my head(like so much has been) I emphasise this is not a false memory. It was something that happened but I obviously thought little of it as its never bothered me since but has randomly popped up in my head! This was maybe over a year ago/year and a half something like that.
Id like to add that my little one is my absolutely everything. I would never ever do anything to hurt her. I love her so much and would die for her over and over again.
So;
She was on her cot top changer and I was either dressing her for the day or changing her nappy. Can't remember which. I was tickling her all over like you do because their laugh is just the cutest and hearing them giggle is the best sound! We still do it now and she is 2.5 and will continue to do so unless she tells me no!
So I was tickling her all over, belly, under arms, thighs that type of thing, quickly and fast and saying "tickle tickle, tickle tickle" and then without even thinking I did it on her female parts. It wasn't skin on skin, there was a Muslin in my hand at the time, that I remember (if that makes any difference!) it was a split second and then I was like ooops "sorry little one, I didn't mean to do that" I just got caught up in the tickle mode I didn't even engage my brain. But thought nothing more of it after that.
Now It's made its way to my brain. How I do not know! And why!?!!! Now I'm thinking about it constantly. I'm not trying to find answers because it isn't some false memory but I am thinking about it constantly, questioning myself "am I. Monster"? What the hell and why? It was a genuine innocent thing that was a split second then I though oh sugar and apologised to her that I didn't mean to do that!
I'm probably not making sense. My head is so manic at the moment and it's engulfing me and taking over. I'm meant to be going on our first holiday this weekend and I just want to go to bed and sleep and not listen to the noise. That being said, my dreams are so vivid and awful at the moment that I wake up feeling just as bad.
I need some clarity, am I awful? What is going on with my mind? How do I overcome this?
Please, would love to have some advice I just want to sleep and blot it all out.
Just to add again, my little one is my life. I would never ever hurt her. I want to protect her from everything (so much so I'm also considering home schooling as I don't want her to be bullied at school like I was!) I only allow my husband and my mum and mother in law to look after her as I don't trust anyone else either! The point I'm trying to make is that she is my everything and I wouldn't ever ever put her at harm.
---------- Post added at 19:49 ---------- Previous post was at 17:18 ----------
Anyone?
---------- Post added at 19:50 ---------- Previous post was at 19:49 ----------
I just keep ruminating and it's driving me crazy!
So I posted a topic last week regarding a dream I had and differentiating reality for dreams. I've been super anxious and stressed due to ongoing dental issues and I am flying this coming weekend which is one of my biggest phobias so my head space is a mess at the moment.
I'm constantly ruminating looking for answers re my dream last week and questioning myself.
Then today an old memory popped into my head(like so much has been) I emphasise this is not a false memory. It was something that happened but I obviously thought little of it as its never bothered me since but has randomly popped up in my head! This was maybe over a year ago/year and a half something like that.
Id like to add that my little one is my absolutely everything. I would never ever do anything to hurt her. I love her so much and would die for her over and over again.
So;
She was on her cot top changer and I was either dressing her for the day or changing her nappy. Can't remember which. I was tickling her all over like you do because their laugh is just the cutest and hearing them giggle is the best sound! We still do it now and she is 2.5 and will continue to do so unless she tells me no!
So I was tickling her all over, belly, under arms, thighs that type of thing, quickly and fast and saying "tickle tickle, tickle tickle" and then without even thinking I did it on her female parts. It wasn't skin on skin, there was a Muslin in my hand at the time, that I remember (if that makes any difference!) it was a split second and then I was like ooops "sorry little one, I didn't mean to do that" I just got caught up in the tickle mode I didn't even engage my brain. But thought nothing more of it after that.
Now It's made its way to my brain. How I do not know! And why!?!!! Now I'm thinking about it constantly. I'm not trying to find answers because it isn't some false memory but I am thinking about it constantly, questioning myself "am I. Monster"? What the hell and why? It was a genuine innocent thing that was a split second then I though oh sugar and apologised to her that I didn't mean to do that!
I'm probably not making sense. My head is so manic at the moment and it's engulfing me and taking over. I'm meant to be going on our first holiday this weekend and I just want to go to bed and sleep and not listen to the noise. That being said, my dreams are so vivid and awful at the moment that I wake up feeling just as bad.
I need some clarity, am I awful? What is going on with my mind? How do I overcome this?
Please, would love to have some advice I just want to sleep and blot it all out.
Just to add again, my little one is my life. I would never ever hurt her. I want to protect her from everything (so much so I'm also considering home schooling as I don't want her to be bullied at school like I was!) I only allow my husband and my mum and mother in law to look after her as I don't trust anyone else either! The point I'm trying to make is that she is my everything and I wouldn't ever ever put her at harm.
---------- Post added at 19:49 ---------- Previous post was at 17:18 ----------
Anyone?
---------- Post added at 19:50 ---------- Previous post was at 19:49 ----------
I just keep ruminating and it's driving me crazy!