View Full Version : Getting a woman in my life
This is a bit embarrassing but I'm so lonely. I've been on the Plenty of Fish site for years and had some conversations even a phone call but nothing more.
I'm so nervous about making the first move because I know women expect you to go out that kind of stuff but I'm not into busy pubs at night.
I just feel like I don't have a flippin' clue. I've never been sociable and never had a girlfriend.
:shrug: :scared15:
t0rt01se36
13-09-17, 12:52
Hi Pete.
I can so relate to what you are going through. Sucks doesn't it?
Being Agoraphobic and anxious is making it difficult for me to go out and make friends.
Are you able to go out? Have you considered hoining any activity or social groups, where there might be people attending, who understand what you are going through?
Hi, I can relate to your post. I've been on and off dating sites for the past year, had a few dates and a little bit of success but still single.
I'm pretty much on top of my social anxiety nowadays, I'm confident in meeting women and going on dates
The problem I have is when I try to explain to women my lack of life experience is due to the devastating effects of my anxiety and depression. It kinda scares them off. Although I'm in a good place now, it's left a bit of a mess.
Even so called normal people without anxieties have enough trouble finding partners on dating sites, so If you have anxieties dating sites can be a nightmare.
I wouldn't give up if I was you. You just have to keep looking. There are a lot of shy/introvert types out there, it's just finding them.
I've decided to join various meet up groups myself, made a couple of friends already, so I'm pushing myself more in that direction.
Anxiety has robbed me of the best part of my life, but I'm not giving up yet.
So yeah, don't give up, it's hard work but keep trying.
Edit: I've had about six dates in a year so I must be doing something right.
Pete whereabouts are you in the UK?
I actually met my wife on POF :)
Just some life experience as I've been through the mill relationship wise. Work on yourself first. Get comfortable in your own skin. Then, no expectations. In recollection, when I was purposely trying to be in a relationship, my judgement was clouded. It wasn't like I had trouble getting dates but close to 90% of the time these women were hot messes! ~lol~ While it was fun and exciting at first, it inevitably lead to drama, stress, Uggggg....
The best advice I can give you is "Relax". The relationships in my life that have meant the most to me and I most fondly remember were those that happened when I was least expecting it. My wife (2nd marriage for both) and I are a perfect example of that :)
Good luck and as always...
Positive thoughts
The best advice I can give you is "Relax". The relationships in my life that have meant the most to me and I most fondly remember were those that happened when I was least expecting it. My wife (2nd marriage for both) and I are a perfect example of that :)
Good luck and as always...
Positive thoughts
Yeah I agree, people do come into your life when you least expect it. I have heard people often say in the past "stop looking and things will just happen naturally"
People with SA have to work twice as hard when it comes to getting into relatioships. From my experience if you are crippled by low self esteem things often don't happen naturally unfortunately.
I think if you have SA, you've just got to except the fact that your probably going to get rejected often before you find someone. I've experienced more rejection in the last year than I have my whole life ha ha. Rejection is crap:blush:
BTW Pete, don't worry about not being into bars clubs and drinking. I just meet up for a coffee for the first date, and if all goes well you move on from that. I think a lot of people do that nowadays.
Anyway, I have another date coming up, I reckon she could be "the one"....lol
fallingstar
15-09-17, 16:35
I actually met my wife on POF :)
Just some life experience as I've been through the mill relationship wise. Work on yourself first. Get comfortable in your own skin. Then, no expectations. In recollection, when I was purposely trying to be in a relationship, my judgement was clouded. It wasn't like I had trouble getting dates but close to 90% of the time these women were hot messes! ~lol~ While it was fun and exciting at first, it inevitably lead to drama, stress, Uggggg....
The best advice I can give you is "Relax". The relationships in my life that have meant the most to me and I most fondly remember were those that happened when I was least expecting it. My wife (2nd marriage for both) and I are a perfect example of that :)
Good luck and as always...
Positive thoughts
I agree with what Fishmanpa said - best things come when you are least expecting it. I actually met my husband (from the UK) on this site and I'm from the US. We are married and living in the US. We met out of the blue, started talking and the rest is history! :)
I feel like if you meet someone who you can show your true self to and they support you and listen right from the beginning, then that is a good sign that you are headed in the right direction. I'm sure it is scary, thinking of going on a date, etc. If you build a good relationship through talking to someone on the site you are on however, maybe that would make it a bit easier... work up to a first date and do something very relaxing and simple, like maybe some tea and a walk!
I wish you the best of luck. I honestly think that as long as you are yourself and you're upfront, you'll eventually meet that right person. Can happen anytime, anywhere, on any continent!
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Thanks for the replies folks. I think most of them on POF want the kind of person you can pick up in a pub or club. I have managed to message a few ladies but had nothing back.
I am really uncomfortable in my skin. I'm trying but progress is slow. I just feel like time is running out.
PanickyGuy
18-09-17, 08:47
Thanks for the replies folks. I think most of them on POF want the kind of person you can pick up in a pub or club. I have managed to message a few ladies but had nothing back.
I am really uncomfortable in my skin. I'm trying but progress is slow. I just feel like time is running out.
I'm somewhat in the same boat as you Pete. I've been on POF many times and even had a few dates that went nowhere and these women messaged me first. Yet, when I tried to message other women, in which I thought we might have the same compatibility or basically what they're looking for, I get no replies and I know they're looking for someone in general. Makes me wonder if you're not on to something with you're thinking - "want the kind of person you can pick up in a pub or club".
Another thing I noticed is that a lot of the women on POF seem to be angry at times, demanding or judgemental, in the way they write their profiles, like they're expecting all men to be total jerks or cheaters, if they were to date any one of us. Those type of attitudes turn me off and I don't even bother trying to talk to those particular women, no matter how much we might have in common.
But yeah, just like you, I feel like time is running out for me (mainly due to the feeling of getting older) and I'm beginning to think POF is a lost cause at times. Someone once told me the dating paysites are better, because the quality of people you meet on those sites are better, but man I hate dishing out money to try and find someone online. I worry about getting suckered in because it might not be any different then POF.
Think a balance is needed here I too have had no luck so for now it's on the back burner and I am concerntaiting on getting friends first it's no point in putting all your eggs in one basket and good things come to those who wait :) Cheers
This is a bit embarrassing but I'm so lonely. I've been on the Plenty of Fish site for years and had some conversations even a phone call but nothing more.
I'm so nervous about making the first move because I know women expect you to go out that kind of stuff but I'm not into busy pubs at night.
I just feel like I don't have a flippin' clue. I've never been sociable and never had a girlfriend.
:shrug: :scared15:
Women are a lagging indicator of success. I suggest you work on other areas of your life, and women will follow in spades. ;)
Women are a lagging indicator of success. I suggest you work on other areas of your life, and women will follow in spades. ;)
Hit you over the head with a spade more like :roflmao:
WorriedTex
27-11-17, 10:40
I'd recommend meeting women through friends. I have had very little success in the online dating realm, but have met my current girlfriend through a friend who saw we had common interests.
Hi Pete.
There are special sites that look for matches for people with difficulties. I watch a program on Sunday nights here in Spain and one of the matchmakers is called " Stars in their eyes" or stars in the sky" not sure which. Maybe you could look for specialist dating sites like that.
I wish you the very best of luck xx
EmmerLooeez
05-12-17, 18:07
I agree with what Fishmanpa said - best things come when you are least expecting it. I actually met my husband (from the UK) on this site and I'm from the US. We are married and living in the US. We met out of the blue, started talking and the rest is history! :)
I feel like if you meet someone who you can show your true self to and they support you and listen right from the beginning, then that is a good sign that you are headed in the right direction. I'm sure it is scary, thinking of going on a date, etc. If you build a good relationship through talking to someone on the site you are on however, maybe that would make it a bit easier... work up to a first date and do something very relaxing and simple, like maybe some tea and a walk!
I wish you the best of luck. I honestly think that as long as you are yourself and you're upfront, you'll eventually meet that right person. Can happen anytime, anywhere, on any continent!
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Star you mean you met them here on NMP?! That is so sweet!
Think that's just a one off tbh with you, cant even get any friends off here and boy I have tried:doh:ATB
EmmerLooeez
07-12-17, 22:18
Yeah Bigboy. :(
This thread still going? :)
Being that time of year again (my birthday is the 23rd Dec) its always on my mind. I don't really have any friends to meet women through. I have a few 'friends' but none that I really hang out with.
I was thinking only earlier today while nosing through Facebook how strange it would be to have a good group of friends to 'go out' with, a career and a relationship. I can not relate to those things. I'm going to be 35 in 7 days and having my 'own place' seems to grown up.
I'm flummoxed.
I had been getting along well with a Plenty Of Fish user, but she has gone all silent. I guess she found someone better.
Oh well.
:shrug:
I had been getting along well with a Plenty Of Fish user, but she has gone all silent. I guess she found someone better.
Oh well.
:shrug:Exactly more trouble than its worth tbh with you sooner have handful of good friends less complications all round :) don't worry about it Pete ATB
No, BUT I now have her phone number!
Dates? I wouldn't really know what to do other than have a drink or a walk
Yeah, really nervous of course. May sound silly but GOD I hope we hit it off.
You go Pete! Good luck.
Sometimes it’s the same things us girls like. Like a nice walk, a simple meal and chat or just simply getting to know you.
Don’t be scarred, you’ll be fine x
Yeah, I hope it all works out OK. I'm phoning her at 3pm tomorrow.
Eek!
GiovanniNL
25-01-18, 07:51
Good luck Pete! I have read your topic and I want to say: Go for it :)!
Despite a lot of nervousness and a very bad signal her end, we chatted and it went well
Just not sure how often to text etc
Just not sure how often to text etc Well just take baby steps and of course it all depends how the conversation went of the first call usually either party might say (as a Eg) Oh I will txt you sometime tomorrow wait for the other person to respond and take it from there, Don't bombard them with txts either as it may come over as being clingy/desperate and vice versa but it's up to you :) ATB
Yes it's happened to me with just new friends and they have been driven away lost a good friend through that but 12 months later we are contacting each other again and even speak on the phone too now so I have learned my lesson big time :) I personally don't mind if some one does txt me a lot but so like my me time too when the phone isn't constantly notifying me of a message LOL take your time Pete Rome wasn't built in a day :) ATB
Well I've gone out my way over the last couple years and met a lot of people ive spoke to online. I'd say I've been spot on with what I expected when I met in person.
Lucky for me I've dodged one or two cranks :yesyes:.
You don't come across as scary in any way Big boy, you seem like an ok guy:). TBH, I think a lot of people just can't be bothered with texting. Think I'm gonna try and stay away from being online as much as possible in the future. Not a big fan of texting or chatting online. Real life or nothing for me. Most are either full of themselves or full of wind lol yes agree with that its gets monotonous typing away for hrs on end sooner meet up have proper old chin wag and a coffee or beer sorted:shades: Thank you for you kind words it appreciated :yesyes: ATB
I text her today got a reply and I then asked if she wanted to meet up on her day off or next Sunday for a drink
I text her today got a reply and I then asked if she wanted to meet up on her day off or next Sunday for a drink That's fine now leave it at that even if she replies and says yes just say ok see you then! And when it get's nearer the time then make the arrangements, nice and slowly does it ATB
Yes, i said I would text her Friday. Um, does Costa Coffee only sell coffee?
charliepanayi
28-01-18, 19:14
No, it sells sandwiches and juices/water too
No, it sells sandwiches and juices/water too
Thank goodness!
:noangel:
Well, I text her asking if she was still up for tomorrow on Thursday with no response. I text her again today asking if she got my text. No reply.
Just been on POF and she was online today :weep:
I may be an idiot but I'm going to turn up tomorrow anyway and see what happens.
Well, I text her asking if she was still up for tomorrow on Thursday with no response. I text her again today asking if she got my text. No reply.
Just been on POF and she was online today :weep:
I may be an idiot but I'm going to turn up tomorrow anyway and see what happens. Hmm hate to say I think she has stood you up she's probably read them but didn't get back to you! So you are going to risk it? Yeah sure she might have been busy and I know you only sent 2 messages as per your post but she may think oh he is pestering me I hope Iam wrong
but just got that feeling. Let us know what you decide to do ATB
I went. I sat and drank some coffee caramel thing for about fifty minutes. I left and I only really felt upset when I looked back and saw my empty cup sat there on the table next to the window.
That's what happens on POF and other sites like that. Not all the time but mostly. Chalk it up to experience and try again. Don't get your hopes up too much. Easier said than done but give it a go :)
Hey Pete well I had a gut feeling and I was right sadly. Don't dwell on it mate it will only make you feel worse. That why I am not even looking for a relationship at the mo sooner build some good friendships right now and have good people around me much better than being totally on your own, the rest will follow :) ATB
There's a reason why this website is called "Plenty of Fish", it's basically for people looking for hook ups and not long term relationships. On these type of sites, most women are spoiled for choice so they will go through a lot of guys before setting on one.
charliepanayi
05-02-18, 19:22
Plenty of Fish is a pretty awful site, I'd steer clear of it. If you really have to pick an online dating site, at least go with OKCupid.
Mindprison
05-02-18, 20:39
It took me a few tries to find my girlfriend of 3 years. I had a similar experience to you where I was talking to someone for a few weeks. Met up, it was awkward and then didn't hear anything back.
It's just a bump in the road, keep at it and you'll get there. If it helps, I used OKcupid to find my current partner so maybe try that instead? Plenty of fish was a bit of a downer for me personally.
Lol Phil, when I first read the title of this post, it sounded like you were looking to pick someone up on here.
Seriously though, I’ve had quite a few friends have luck with eHarmony.
Don't worry, best things will come when you least expect them. You will find someone best. Good luck. :)
I used to be sad at not having a girlfriend. I never knew how to talk to women or how to woo them.
I stopped caring about getting a girlfriend and stopped caring about what women think of me and it actually helped a lot with my self esteem, it sounds crazy but it's true.
Our culture is so focused on having a girlfriend/wife, it's easy to become frustrated from being lonely. You might see friends or family members who are married or with girlfriends, or even see a random couple of strangers doing a public display of affection, even in movies or TV, everywhere we look lots of importance is put on being in a romantic relationship. The reverence of girlfriends is so high, people will even use shaming language on you for not having one.
You will save yourself a ton of trouble by not caring anymore. Seriously. There is this cultural phenomenon in Japan called "Herbivore Men" where men have stopped marrying women and stopped getting girlfriends. It has been widely speculated that Japan's declining economy is causing this, their world becoming too expensive to date. I personally chalk it down to them not caring anymore.
We have biological imperatives in place to make us want to seek out women to love them and worship them, but it's nothing more than chemicals that compel us to breed. Ignoring it will make you happier in the long run. You don't need a woman to be happy, and don't let this gynocentric society tell you otherwise.
Then, no expectations. In recollection, when I was purposely trying to be in a relationship, my judgement was clouded. It wasn't like I had trouble getting dates but close to 90% of the time these women were hot messes! ~lol~ While it was fun and exciting at first, it inevitably lead to drama
WiseMonkey
17-04-18, 10:08
We have biological imperatives in place to make us want to seek out women to love them and worship them, but it's nothing more than chemicals that compel us to breed. Ignoring it will make you happier in the long run. You don't need a woman to be happy, and don't let this gynocentric society tell you otherwise.
Well at a base level you could be right but we've come a long way since the cavemen's days. Even then it was likely about shared resources as well as reproduction.
Humans are by nature social creatures, who crave to be with others to share life's journey. When you get past the reproductive years and the hormones dwindle, we still yearn for love and human companionship.
Women do tend to be more resourceful at living alone, whereas most men of any age desire to be with a partner. It's a complex issue and we're all different.
Well at a base level you could be right but we've come a long way since the cavemen's days. Even then it was likely about shared resources as well as reproduction.
Humans are by nature social creatures, who crave to be with others to share life's journey. When you get past the reproductive years and the hormones dwindle, we still yearn for love and human companionship.
Women do tend to be more resourceful at living alone, whereas most men of any age desire to be with a partner. It's a complex issue and we're all different. Onion is right I don't want a relationship but hurt that many times I have put it on the back burner for now, sooner have good friends to be around with as you are right we are 'social' animals and like to be liked and seek out company, well maybe but still feel women need company too it is very complex and so many factors have to be taken in to consideration as well. ATB
edgeofpanic
17-04-18, 13:45
It's my opinion that relationships (and love) is the one exception to the "dont give up, keep trying" rule. You can't make it happen, instead its something that happens to you on your way through life.
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