I just need someone to tell me i'm being irrational!

[BrokenGirl]

Sorry for the long post but i need some advice, or a slap in the face....
My HA has spiraled the last few months so i'm well aware that there is always something with me.
I can't shake this breast cancer fear from my head, even though I think i know on some level I'm being ridiculous.
About a year and a half ago i found a lump in my breast, completely panicked of course. Had a mammogram and ultrasound and got the all clear.
Had another mammogram about 6 months ago for something else and got the all clear on that too. About a month ago i thought i felt some sort of lump in my armpit, went to the doctor (she was very young and new but very nice) and she gave me a breast exam and said everything seemed fine.
I was giving myself my usual monthly breast check a few days ago and felt some kind of lump in my left breast again. It's in the same area that i found the lump around a year and a half ago. Surely it's the same lump that i had a year and a half ago. I have to thoroughly feel my breast to feel it and i did give it a thorough feel this month. And I had a mammogram just 6 months ago and a doctor checked me a month ago.
Am I being crazy? Because I know my HA mind is running out of control lately and I can't think logically any more when it comes to my health. I don't want to go running to the doctor unnecessarily (again) as I'm trying so hard to break the doctor reassurance cycle.
Deep down there's a voice telling me it's the same lump that was there a year and a half ago but I can't stop the what if voice in my head :weep:

[snowghost57]

Get outside and enjoy life and get out of your head. Think of the people that have a real health problem, wheel chair bound, bed ridden. Did you get up by yourself today? Can you bathe and feed yourself? I have a friend that is younger then I am. She is on disability, she has liver disease, kidney disease, 30lbs of water weight gain and the doctors don't know whats wrong with her. You had the doctor and mammogram done. It's negative. We all must be thankful for what we have...

[thestruggle]

It most likely IS the lump you already know about and have had checked...sometimes benign ones move around in a small area and they can get bigger with hormones etc. so it's likely it's just shifted slightly? You were checked a month ago..there's no way anything sinister would pop up at that size in that time as you know cells only double every 90 days or so.. I can totally understand your fears though :) I'm the same right now waiting for my ultrasound on my armpit lump and getting a couple of others checked out.. I am thinking the worst even though I have a history of fibroadenomas and my family all seem to develop cysts very easily.. The thought of having something like that is scary! It's the unknown, the what if.. I guess the only thing I can suggest is to try and keep yourself calm, reassure that voice in your head with the normal mammogram result you've had and try to stay positive :hugs:

[BrokenGirl]

Thank you both for replying.
I know what ye are saying - that it's probably the lump I found a year and a half ago and i should try to distract myself and get on with my life. And some times I can manage to do this a little bit. But i have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time - what if it's not, what if it's serious..........
I'm trying to save a little bit of money so I can get back into therapy again.
Would i be crazy going back to the doctor and getting her to look at it? Would she think I'm being annoying and silly or am I justified because a lump is a lump?
I hate feeling like this but I don't know if I can ever feel relaxed about it unless i get it checked out.

[Catherine S]

But you've had your breasts checked out many times already, the last examination was just last week by a specialist. You were going insane waiting for that appointment because you were convinced you'd be told you had cancer. You've been told yet again that you don't, but you still want another exam? Ultrasounds are advised when doctors are worried not just when patients are worried...especially patients with proven hypochondria, or health anxiety as we are now supposed to call it.

I agree with you about the therapy. Perhaps while you're saving to see a therapist you could try one of the free online CBT courses in the meantime...ive heard they're really good so they might help you while you're waiting.

Cath S

[ktdid2000]

I am right there with you!!

I've had 3 ultrasounds in the past year and all have come back fine with just simple cysts if anything was found. Each time I feel something "new" (I actually really question whether I am feeling something new or something that's been there!) I run to the docs and they order an ultrasound to check it out. Each time the result is the same.

I'm currently freaking out about a lump I felt on my left breast yesterday that I just had scanned 3 months ago. It's rather large and feels sort of like muscle, so I figure it's been there all along and I've just now "discovered" it this month. Of course I'm on the cusp of freaking out and running back to the docs, but with an all clear scan 3 months ago I highly doubt it's anything serious (try telling that to my HA though!). I've read that scans can pick up something too small to feel, so it would have literally shown up and exploded in less than 3 months - which I guess might be possible but highly unlikely!?

Anyway, I know how you feel about the constant questioning and reassurance. Breast anxiety is the worst.

[BrokenGirl]

This lump is really driving me crazy now. I know what people are saying - I had a mammogram 6 mths ago and doctor checked me out a month ago, but the fear is literally crippling me. I've gone to that bad place in my head and i can't get out of it.
Anyway I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. This is the doc I saw last month and she's new. I was devastated when my old doctor left a few months ago - she was fantastic and knew exactly how to handle my HA. This new doctor seems a little bit nervous (I'd say it's her first job and I understand that any new job is nerve wrecking for a while) but I have no one else to go to.
I'm hoping and praying that she'll tell me what I want to hear tomorrow because I don't think I can handle the wait for another breast clinic appointment, which will be weeks at least.

Breast anxiety is definitely the worst HA I've ever had, and it doesn't help that I just happened to read a horror story online in the newspaper a few weeks ago about breast cancer. That story is going around in my head all the time.

I just want to get tomorrow's appointment over and done with and take it from there......... but I'm so scared :weep:

[BrokenGirl]

Just an update - I went to the doctor today, she gave me a breast exam and said everything felt fine. She asked me a load of questions and thankfully I was able to say no to most of them.
I can still feel the lump there now and my HA mind is trying so hard to convince me she didn't feel it properly. She asked me to feel for it and show her where it was but of course it didn't feel as big or prominent when I was in with her. Why was that? It feels as big as ever now.
I'm trying so hard to let this go now. The doctor checked me and I had a mammogram 6 months ago. So why is there a bloody voice in my head nagging me, saying what if................
Is this just HA at it best? Trying to destroy me?
I just want to scream f*** off HA, enough is enough :weep: