Really Need Help From Experienced People

[Loveydovey0519]

I apologize before hand if this is in the wrong section. I'm have been suffering from anxiety, panic disorder, and depression since 08. To make a long story short it was hell on earth for the first year or so, even became agoraphobic for about 8 months. Eventually and I don't remember exactly how I got it under control with medicine and counseling. I met my now wife in 2011, by then most things were going well. Some anxiety here and there and a few panic attacks. We got married October 1st 2016. Now remember while we were dating my anxiety and panic wa mostly in what I call 'remission'. Fast forward to October 31st 2016, I ended up in the ER for the first time ever. Ended up being a panic attack, however since then I haven't gotten back to my old self. I've developed health anxiety pretty badly. Ended up having a stress echo test, 48 hour holter monitor in April 2017. Results came back well and no worries. Recently I've been experiencing what I call funny/fuzzy feelings in my head. (I have a post about it here).
Now here is where I need the experienced people. My wife has been fantastic during this whole thing. A lot better than most would be I think. However it is wearing her down and I KNOW it's getting to her mentally. She has some stressful things going on in her life as well, and I add the cherry on top unfortunately. What if anything can I do?! I try and try to not let the anxiety effect me and her, but it is! It's not fair to her to have to always be there for me, when I can't be there for her. I'm currently on medication and started counseling again back in July. I am some better, but not where I think I need or should be. I'm at a lost for what I can do for my poor wife. I feel defeated, I feel like a failure.

[Fishmanpa]

The positive is your doing something about it! That's HUGE!

My ex suffered from severe depression which manifested itself into hoarding. Long story short, we went to couples counseling and after a couple of sessions she wanted to see us separately. She went for a few sessions and quit. She gave up on us and herself. I knew then it was over. Had she tried, things may have turned out differently.

So don't look at this as a failure. Look at it as a positive in that you rationally knew what was going on and took action to treat it. It's hard on a partner to go through this or any serious illness, BUT... She's supporting you and her seeing and knowing that you're doing everything you can to make things better makes it easier on her.

Don't give up. Keep working hard and things will work out :)

Positive thoughts

[PanickedTraveller]

Do you exercise? I have started going to the gym 3x's a week and do cardio for 20-30 mins and I have been feeling much better and happier and less anxious. You should check with your doctor make sure you are healthy to exercise if you currently do not and give it a try. It has worked well for me.

As for your wife it sounds like she has been great at being there for you others are not so lucky. Don't think you have to go through it alone.

[braindead]

YOU concentrate on getting better with meds yourself, and your wife will begin to chill more. She is stressed over thinking about you. Try to keep it together when you're around her , its hard but i have done it all my life :wacko:

[Loveydovey0519]

Thank you EVERYONE for the responses, I greatly appreciate them!!

[lior]

I'm sorry you're going through all you're going through.

Each person is responsible for THEIR OWN happiness. Your wife cannot 'fix' you - YOU are the one who is going to fix you. It has to come from you. Do you think she understands that? Do you understand that?

Equally - you cannot 'save' your wife. She has to mind her own boundaries for her happiness. She is responsible for making sure that she's not going to get depressed from over-exertion.

Support for the people that support us is a 'thing'. I don't know what it's like in the US, but in the UK there is help available for people in your wife's situation. Check this out as an example:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers-friends-family-coping-support/#.WcGys625AUs

She needs to make sure she looks after herself.

It took me a long time to figure this out and put it into practice. I find now that because my relationships are so important to me, I make myself make the emotional space to emotionally support my friends when I can, how I can. I know not everyone is going to be able to find that emotional space. If it's possible, investing in relationships is worth it. It's not nice for people to feel that a relationship is one way. That's how some relationships get ruined. There are people for whom that would not be a problem for, though - there are still so so many carers who stick around.

Apart from making time to support my friends in return when I can, I also notice if they are NOT leaning on me - it's a sign they might think I'm too vulnerable for the moment, which they haven't always got right. When they worry about me, I remind them that they can't take responsibility for my happiness and wellbeing.

They love me and feel responsibilities as friends, which is beautiful, and healthy. But there is a line there - a boundary - and the line is when they are taken over too much by my stuff. They need to look after their stuff first. I'm glad to say it's been years since that's happened, and sorry to say that I fell into the trap of looking out for someone before myself only a few months ago for several months. It didn't help either of us.

Do you know about the rescuer - victim - persecutor thing?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201106/the-relationship-triangle
The idea is that it's not healthy to get stuck in one role. It's healthier to move round - sometimes I'll feel like a victim, sometimes I'll feel like a rescuer. It's also not healthy for me to make someone else stay stuck in one role by how I treat them.

I feel for you! Hope something in here helps.