I'm seeing a therapist again

[ServerError]

I often use the word "recovered" to describe my anxiety, but really, when I say I'm recovered, I'm referring to my breakdown last year. I'm completely recovered from my breakdown, and my hypochondria (which was at the centre of it) is well in check.

One thing I knew when I was discharged from therapy last time is that I had deeper issues that would need looking at sooner or later. I had to quit work due to the events of last year, and since feeling better, I've been searching for work.

So far, I've backed out on three new jobs on the morning I was supposed to start. I've also quit a job after two and a half weeks. As my doctor said, that isn't normal and I was right to go and see him about it.

Basically I'm crippled by what I thought of as social anxiety, but which my new therapist said was more like performance anxiety. I think he's right. I feel inadequate, as if I'm a fraud in the workplace, and as if I'm being judged negatively at all times by all around me. This is agonising, giving that I have to feel this way all day every day while at work. And it's always been this way. It takes me months to settle into a new job, and I never really feel fully relaxed and confident in myself.

My own low-self esteem and extremely negative reflections about my myself (and especially my appearance) hold me back socially too. So I'm having more CBT and I can already see that a lot of what we're going to work on is exposing me to uncomfortable situations and getting me to "experiment" with behaviours and record how things go.

There's no way I can achieve complete elimination of all this stuff just through a few sessions of CBT, but hopefully I'll learn some useful techniques that help me cope with my nerves and deal better with things like going to work.

[Fishmanpa]

Server,

You're a great example of what it means to help yourself. You recognize an issue and take action. The difference in you from the time you joined until now and the way you've been offering advice is a true positive.

I hope others take in your drive and determination and follow in your footsteps. Please keep us all informed of what you're discovering about yourself and what you're doing to challenge your thoughts.

I can tell you from experience from my bouts of depression and treating it with meds, one on one therapy and CBT (CBT4PANIC I got here) it was helped in so many and far reaching ways.

Positive thoughts

[KK77]

I wish you well Server. Being self-critical and your own worst enemy regarding self-esteem, self-confidence and image is unfortunately part of this awful illness. You're an intelligent young man with plenty of potential - you just need to work on believing in yourself ;)

[saf138]

Even though i have never spoken to you before I have to admit I've read many of your posts and even though you have anxiety problems yourself you have been a great asset and very helpful to other anxiety strugglers I wish you the best in your recovery so that to continue to be that great asset to many.

[pulisa]

You always address your issues head on with courage and determination. There's no reason why you won't achieve success with your CBT sessions this time as well. You give your time unstintingly on here to help others in distress and your advice is always spot on in my book.
Put yourself first now, Michael, and concentrate on your therapy. I have no doubt that you will give it your all. Wishing you all the very best.

[ServerError]

So my sessions have come to an end and I've now been placed on a waiting list for more intensive CBT. Basically, I recently started a new job after a year more or less out of work. I did start a new job in June, but I quit after two and half weeks, and there have been other jobs I've backed out of before starting. This is a pattern I have found very hard to break due to crippling anxiety over how I'm perceived by colleagues and my crippling fear of not fitting in and not performing adequately.

My therapist has worked with me on observing this cycle and trying to break it by getting myself through the door each day at my new job and taking it a day at a time. He agrees that it is too soon to just discharge me, however, and instead wants to really escalate my treatment so I can start confronting this anxiety head on.

I've made incredible progress with the hypochondria that brought me down last year. The real problem has always been the underlying propensity for worry and stress that I literally cannot control. I always assume I'm being negatively judged by people around me. It makes life very difficult, and nowhere more so than at work. Going to work has always felt like torture to me. Bosses scare me, by virtue of their role. Targets and performance evaluations frighten the crap out of me, even though I've never really had a bad one. In the last year, I've started walking out on new jobs at the last second before starting because of this fear.

So I have to get better at coping with this. The therapy I've had recently must have had some success because I'm sticking at this one. But I'm looking forward to seeing what the next stage brings...

[pulisa]

SE, what I admire about you is your willingness to take responsibility for your mental health and your strength and determination in taking on challenges which would scare the crap out of others going through similar anxiety-related issues. No one could say that you avoid difficult scenarios and situations no matter how difficult and challenging they are. Some things will always be tremendously difficult for us to overcome but you continue to make inroads into what causes you huge distress- I wish I could have your strength to do the same.

You deserve success in life and I'm sure you are respected and well liked at work despite your insecurities over your performance. I'm sure you set yourself very high standards though..

You give such a lot back to people on here going through the torments as you did.I can only wish you well in your next more intense set of therapy sessions.

[swajj]

You come across as an extremely logical person. It is also how other people would view you. It’s an admirable and enviable trait. So just keep reminding yourself of that whenever you think people are judging you. Like others on this thread I think you should be commended for your ongoing commitment to improving your self-esteem. I also think that CBT will greatly assist you to succeed. If that’s you in the pic then I think you should stop focusing on how you look. You look ok to me.

[Noivous]

I think most people have a work vs. home persona...at least a little.

In regards to self esteem I think it comes down to confidence in one's self. And the best way to build that confidence is to put ones self into uncomfortable situations. I would say very often when a person with social anxiety issues actually goes to that family cookout or gathering though difficult when it's over they feel pretty good about it.

As for what other people think...eff em.


As for your statement of being recovered SE...I like that. This thought of perpetually being "in recovery" isn't very appealing.

I work with many heroin addicts (voluntarily)...both using and clean. I know a particular hard assed group of former addicts with long term sobriety (minimum 7 years) who never say - I'm in recovery. They say - I'm recovered. It shows confidence in knowledge of ones self and ones strength.
Though if someone says they're in recovery I totally respect that. Whatever it takes.

N.