Advice appeciated on making friends in the 'real' world

[Ellen70]

Hello everyone.
I really don't know how to express what I want to say here, but here goes.

I moved into a new house in October 2005. It is a small house in a little terrace of six with a communal front and back outside areas. I was on the council housing list for years to get a 'permanent' home, as I would never get a mortgage due to erratic job history and low income.

However when I move into the house I had been having a really bad time with depression and this got worse as the months wore on. My anxiety was bad as well and I literally shut myself away and stayed in bed all day with the blackout blinds shut and ear plugs in my ears. I deliberately went out of my way to avoid any contact with my new neighbours and with people in the small village that I live in.

Now it is 20 months later and through a good psychiatrist and the right meds I have come out of the depression and am working on the anxiety.

I really would like to socialise again and would like to get to know my neighbours but I don't have a clue how to do it. How do I make friends? Here in webland it is easy to talk to people but 'reality' is totally different. Over the last few weeks I have made an effort to say 'hello' and smile each time I see one of my neighbours but they just say hello back. They can't be blamed as I didn't interact with them since we moved into these houses and I know they think I am odd or a snob.
I tried looking to meet people in my locality through dating and friendship sites but I live in a very rural area and there are few people on the net from here.

My sister is my only 'real' contact with the world but she works full time and has four children and hardly any spare time.

I was thinking of inviting the 5 people from the other houses in the terrace to my place for tea/drinks but I don't think I would have the courage to do it.

Would a personal ad in the local newspaper be an strange thing to do? I am looking for friends in the platonic sense, people to socialise with.

Boyfriends are a far off dream, I don't think it is fair to impose my depression and anxiety problems on another person. Besides that I am uncomfortable with intimacy.

I have babbled on for longer that I intended but if anyone has any ideas/advice then I would be grateful to hear them.

Kind wishes

Eibhlin

[Gordon]

Hi Eib

Sad to say that in today's world, there's a lack of community spirit and many people only know their neighbours on "nodding terms". Next door to us on the right has seen five different occupants in ten years!

Don't worry about the neighbour thing too much!

A good way of finding new friends is to find something you like doing as a hobby and seeing if there's a group for it. I did this myself, I love reggae music and there's no groups as such but I found out what clubs had reggae events on and started going. The first couple of times were nerve wracking but several years later I have many good friends made from going to these evenings. Some of them even understand my illness which is a nice bonus.

I would say if you are vulnerable, then stay away from dating sites. That's my own experience. If you're able to, go to the nearest large library and they should have all the information you need on local groups and meetings.

The best of luck!

Take Care

Gordon (another isolated rural person, kind of as there's a large town 5m away)

[jo61]

Hi Eibhlin, it might be a bit daunting to have all the neighbours in. Why don't you try to get chatting to one or two of them and invite them in for a cuppa one by one? Then if you don't like them you don't have to invite them back! If you do, they could open up a social world for you. As Gordon said, I'd stay away from the dating sites or ads in the paper. I know I'd be terrified to meet a stranger - bit like a blind date.

[Piglet]

Gordon gave a good reply there hun. :hugs:

If it were me and I felt able I would start with a class doing something that you fancy doing. This could be anything creative, or maybe brushing up on computer skills or even learning a language!! Lots of people go to these on their own so you wouldn't feel at all out of place.

Nothing happens overnight however but bit by bit of going to these things you will build up some more friendships.

I know this one sounds totally off the wall but I remember a young neighbour saying she joined the local womens institute group and it was by no means full of fuddy duddies and she said she had a real laugh actually!!

I think as regards the neighbours I would keep trying to say hello and build up to more in the way of chat before inviting them all 'en masse' into your home as that may be abit overwhelming in practice.

Piglet :flowers:

[honeybee3939]

Hi

I lost alot of friends when i was housebound and found it hard to start socializing again. I have since joined a local walking group and i have made lots of new friends young and old, i so look forward to meeting them all now, and also the exercise as helped too.:)

Love
:hugs:
Andrea
xxxxx

[Ellen70]

Thank you all for posting and for your ideas. I am definitely going to give 'everyone round for drinks a miss.'

Actually after I posted this thread I had a chat with one of my neighbours as I brought in the wheelie bin (how glamorous!). This lady is 81 so don't think she would be into going to the pub :) but it would be nice to go to each others' houses for tea therapy.

I agree with Gordon and the rest of you that having a hobby to go to would be a good idea. Unfortunately the nearest town to me that have activities like that is 12 miles away. I have a car but I have a bit of agoraphobia :ohmy: so I wiil look into that and see if there are any nearer to me.

Even as a child I was useless at making friends, I was always on the outsie looking in.

I have made a firm promise to myself that from now, whenever asks me 'what do you do?', I am going to tell them I have depression and an anxiety disorder.

(If anyone here is looking to buy a new house then there are two for sale oppisite me :winks: )


Eibhlin

[Gordon]

Good luck Eib!!

I've always wanted to live in either Ireland or Jamaica! Can someone lend me about 70,000 Euros? :)

Take Care

Gordon

[Ellen70]

Um.... afraid not Gordon. I could lend you one euro a week for 70 000 weeks! - would that be ok???:D