Life anxiety will it ever stop

[StellaNova]

Hello I’ve been having some major anxiety relapses the past year or two. After being in therapy for years I have been able to figure out when and why my anxiety started but still not able to get past it.

About 10 years ago I lost my virginity where the guy lied to me about having an STD. I was diagnosed with GH soon after, I thought I loved him being young and naive.. soon after I developed low self esteem and a negative self dialogue. I thought the world was over and no one would love me.. these thoughts continued for years and years until a few years ago when the love of my life didn’t let that stop him from marrying me.

Even throughout the years of dating my now husband I suffered extreme anxiety to the point I couldn’t swallow or eat loosing 20lbs and having severe health anxiety where I was finally put on an antidepressant, diagnosed with GAD/panic disorder and anxiety.. at the time if he had to travel or move for school I blamed myself because I thought I wasn’t good enough. But here we are together, and I know my fears were not true because what I always dreamed of happened.

I am constant beating myself up. Every little thing, I use to not be like this before what happened to me. It subsided some after I got married and switched jobs and living with my husband and still on meds. We’ve been married 2 years and it’s come back again pretty strong due to a family cancer diagnosis as well as me being in my first trimester of a surprise pregnancy.

We are very excited and I’m sure some is hormones but I’ve been so depressed thinking the worst will happen to the baby or any other negative thought that comes to me. I expect the worse even though I know better.My husband is the opposite of me, I wish I could think like him.

I’m very scared I’ll always have these thoughts. I feel like I’ve done so much work towards correcting my thoughts and nothing is helping. I want to be a good mom and thought I would be in a better place mentally for everything. I just want to be happy and not scared/worried all the time. I’m not sure if it’s feeling so much responsibility bring the bread winner and paying bills or just about everything.. I can’t take my benzos because I’m preg and I’ve had a hard time calming myself some days. I’m still on my antidepressant with the OK from my GP, OB and psychiatrist and in therapy I just want to get past this and back to my old self of 10years ago :’(

[ocdbaking]

I can't relate to your exact situation, but I know what it is like to live with anxiety long term. I've been through a few major relapses (the most recent nearly two years ago after my mum died suddenly, and without warning), and each time I think I won't feel like myself again. But I do, eventually.

I have terrible self esteem. When things are really bad, I hate myself and everything I do. At my best, I tolerate myself.

The best thing I learnt in a relapse several years ago was to stop trying to cure anxiety. My therapist said I had to stop fighting against it, and to stop being angry with myself for 1. Relapsing 2. Having it in the first place. She said that the moment I accepted anxiety was always going to be a part of my life, the quicker it would ease. And annoyingly she was right!

At the moment I coming out of my recent relapse. Previous to this I was doing quite well. I've got to stay on medication, because I can't hold my OCD in check without it. I had learnt to accept this, and never give it much thought. I actually learnt to laugh at the OCD and everything that came with it. I am relearning to laugh at it again.

I have OCD. Sometimes it's really helpful (if you ever need a trip organising, I'm your woman!), sometimes it's a pain in the a*se. But I wouldn't be me without it, so I accept it.

I'm not sure how much that will help, but I hope it gives you some hope at least.

[Hears The Water]

I don't have much advice for you, but I did want you to know that you are not alone, and that I read your post. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

[StellaNova]

Thank you all. I know I’m being hard on myself it’s just hard seeing my husband without anxiety and feeling like I am not myself anymore :( I do know it does get better just feeling frustrated at the moment :’(

[ocdbaking]

I know that frustration! Last November, during my recent bad relapse, I thought things would never get better and I got very frustrated with myself. My therapist pointed out that I had gone through a terrible event, and the fact I was still going and still working was an achievement. She even told me to make a visual chart of some kind to log achievements and positives. I didn't make one, but on a bad day I think long and hard and find at least one victory in the day. It does help change the narrative in your head.