TheAnxiousWriter
27-09-17, 00:00
Wow... this is so overwhelming. I've never felt this overwhelmed since I had a bad case of health anxiety.
All of my feelings have just blurred into a single feeling, like a big ball of just... messiness. I guess you could say I feel overwhelmed or even depressed. Maybe I'm just tired but... I hate this feeling so much.
My college has turned against me. Last year, I had to leave because I was so emotionally unstable with my constant anxiety. Now this term I have a few cases of what I call "episodes" (explain later), some sickness and like two panic attacks and suddenly they want me out again, claiming that I'm unfit to study and that I didn't get better. THREE WEEKS INTO THE TERM. It's not even the end of September yet!
I'm fighting my cause. I want to stay in college, get the help I need and get better but... I can't help but worry that it's actually the wisest thing to do. I constantly doubt my own decisions because of my Health Anxiety. I diagnosed myself with two deadly diseases when I was in that dark place and my assumptions were clearly wrong because I'm here today and not enduring any kind of treatments. Who's to say staying in college is right?
My plan is to fight this. If things get too much like last year, then fine, I'll tap out and try to build my future through some other means. But even so, it's so scary to think about.
So... here's the tricky part. My "episodes". Tomorrow I will go to the doctors about them.
These are triggered through little things, like failing at something, sometimes when I'm rude to someone in some way or fallen out of line, I start to kind of beat myself up over them. And when I mean beat myself up, I mean by thinking the harshest things about myself. Things like: I hate myself, I'm stupid, I have no talent, I'm worthless, I have no friends, no one really likes me they're all pretending, I begin to feel unloved and sometimes even thoughts like I have no future and that I should die. I tend to hold myself together if it's just something little but when my thoughts snowball I have no control over my tears and sometimes I would have to leave the room. There are also cases where I'll just look at myself in the mirror and get these thoughts and over analyse people and their behaviours and think flat out that they hate me.
So... things have gotten back to square one again... and it makes me feel as bad as I did before. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I should give up.
All of my feelings have just blurred into a single feeling, like a big ball of just... messiness. I guess you could say I feel overwhelmed or even depressed. Maybe I'm just tired but... I hate this feeling so much.
My college has turned against me. Last year, I had to leave because I was so emotionally unstable with my constant anxiety. Now this term I have a few cases of what I call "episodes" (explain later), some sickness and like two panic attacks and suddenly they want me out again, claiming that I'm unfit to study and that I didn't get better. THREE WEEKS INTO THE TERM. It's not even the end of September yet!
I'm fighting my cause. I want to stay in college, get the help I need and get better but... I can't help but worry that it's actually the wisest thing to do. I constantly doubt my own decisions because of my Health Anxiety. I diagnosed myself with two deadly diseases when I was in that dark place and my assumptions were clearly wrong because I'm here today and not enduring any kind of treatments. Who's to say staying in college is right?
My plan is to fight this. If things get too much like last year, then fine, I'll tap out and try to build my future through some other means. But even so, it's so scary to think about.
So... here's the tricky part. My "episodes". Tomorrow I will go to the doctors about them.
These are triggered through little things, like failing at something, sometimes when I'm rude to someone in some way or fallen out of line, I start to kind of beat myself up over them. And when I mean beat myself up, I mean by thinking the harshest things about myself. Things like: I hate myself, I'm stupid, I have no talent, I'm worthless, I have no friends, no one really likes me they're all pretending, I begin to feel unloved and sometimes even thoughts like I have no future and that I should die. I tend to hold myself together if it's just something little but when my thoughts snowball I have no control over my tears and sometimes I would have to leave the room. There are also cases where I'll just look at myself in the mirror and get these thoughts and over analyse people and their behaviours and think flat out that they hate me.
So... things have gotten back to square one again... and it makes me feel as bad as I did before. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I should give up.