elik
28-09-17, 11:11
I am really struggling. Like REALLY. My lack of communication with others is completely restricting me and making me feel so frustrated and alone. I have become so proud and so pleasing of others that my guard is so high I have no idea how to act normally. I sometimes try and express myself to my mum or dad but it never comes out how I actually feel and people don't get it and I end up even more desperately alone and frustrated. I have lost my best friend who was my other half because of this. I forgot how to act in a two way friendship and have become so robotic that its not authentic and it killed the relationship. I want it back so much but I am terrified. I get anxious over every communication made with others and constantly want to retire to my own company to avoid these high levels of stress. I can never win. I want people to adore me but I don't want them to get to know me - I won't be able to offer anything other than a one way friendship from their side - where I in turn become really pressurised and smile through everything when the real me is getting squashed underneath this stupid anxious trap. People say snap out of it and get a grip. I KNOW. I know its all my thoughts, but that doesn't make it any easier, just more frustrating. I can't say no to someone without spending the rest of my day going over and over it and trying to justify it and wanting to justify it to everyone - the guilt is so unbearable I may as well have said yes. Which is the trap I have put myself into for so long. I live as a prop to other people and I put my pain to one side until I can be on my own for the next day to roll on. Every which way I turn, I lose. I know this is a mind trap and I practice mindfulness and have fortnightly therapy but I am so hook line and sinkered for this its an addiction. I want control over how people see me and how I come across. I am obsessed with the idea of pleasing people but it has now become apparent that in pleasing people, they will want to get closer to me which I do not want either. I don't know how I use to balance different friendships - I have a handful of friends and I find it so exhausting just trying to maintain my standard of friendship that it feels like a full time job that I am under pressure by rather enjoyment. So much so, that the only people I can feel somewhat myself with are my parents, purely because they are biologically programmed to love me and I feel this is my only hope. However, if I feel overwhelmingly sad or frustrated by myself I will try and alleviate it but I feel so guilty about being negative and if my state implicates on them that even if I'm getting something off my chest, I'm putting more guilt and anxiety back on me for doing just this. Therefore I end up only being able to resolve things through myself, spending MORE time in my mind which is just a disaster. Its absolutely mind numbingly exhausting and I just want to enjoy social situations again. I want to talk without beating myself up about it, I want to not feel physically sick from insecurity and guilt from things that don't go how I expect them to. I just want to LIVE and not take everything so seriously because I am already regretting years of doing this and I can't stop!!! Its all I know! I'm really really terrified of how my life is playing out and how the way I wish I could live is right there in front of me but I am so far away from it. I don't want people to ask questions about my life because I'm embarrassed as I panic that they will think this what I choose to do, when who I am and what I want to do is buried deep down and couldn't be more opposite. This just fuels the insecurity and self hatred. I am constantly ripping myself apart in shame and anger at how out of control of a situation I am which I ironically am trying to have so much control over!
Please give me any advice you may have!!!
Thanks
Please give me any advice you may have!!!
Thanks