HopelessWorrier2011
28-09-17, 18:15
Please help me my heart and head is breaking.
I don't even know where to start, I'm confused and scared at the minute.
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years am 35 years old and have two children. I absolutely adored my partner and never thought I would ever doubt my feelings for him even though he has put me through my paces and never truly commited to me, he's never wanted marriage or kids with me (my two girls are from previous relationship). I didn't realise this wasn't enough. I thought I could cope with the way things were, I blocked out we were in trouble and buried my head in the sand. He cheated on me when we were first together which traumatised me and I shot it in his face whenever we argued. I am such a hypocrite.
Fast forward 6 years....I work with a man very closely and knew we were close in a platonic way looking back I think I had feelings for him but again buried it and denied it to myself. He is my age and has a partner and two young girls. I never in a million years thought anything would ever happen and the thought of somebody else other than my partner touching me knocked me sick. We go away with work sometimes and before now have stayed in a hotel on our own. Nothing ever happened and it was never awkward between us. Things changed in July, we went away with a group of colleagues, we had a lot to drink and I have to admit I initiated contact by holding onto and rubbing his arm. When we went back to the hotel we all went our separate ways to our rooms. When I got to my room he had followed me, I invited him in for a cuppa (I don't know if I was being naive or pretending I didn't know what was happening). Once we got in there you can guess we weren't innocent. We didn't go all the way thank god but it was wrong I know that. When we got back to work it was tense between us but he done the decent thing and brought it up. He blamed the drink and said it couldn't happen again and we were to draw a line under it putting it to the back of our minds. I agreed and got upset I told him I was horrified by what we had done which I honestly was. I was relieved we had got it out in the open and thought we could go on as we were...I was wrong. Roll on 2 months and I can't forget about it. My heart is aching and I'm so mad at myself for not being able to move on from it. I read too much into everything the poor blokes says, he's gone right back to normal and I resent that. I'm struggling to move on and I'm furious and disgusted with myself for having these thoughts. We went away with work yesterday and he was a pure gentleman and honourable to his partner he really is a good man (don't judge him) but by him being honourable and respectful just makes my feelings deepen. I'm sinking into depression because I can't see how by working with him I can get over this and am considering leaving my job but I don't know what I can say to my partner as it's quite well paid. I haven't owned up to my partner I know that's cowardly but I'm so fragile I don't think my mind could take the fallout over it. I could barely speak to my colleague today because I am so angry, not with him because he didn't want me again but with myself for me wanting him to want me. I never understood how people could do what I have done and get into the situation I have and we openly voiced my opinions on office indiscretions previously to him in normal conversations. Now here I am in a situation I despise to be in. How can I control these thoughts and keep what little integrity and dignity I have left. I keep wanting to tell him how I feel but I know that's not fair to project my emotions onto him and I don't want an affair or anything more I would give anything to turn the clock back. I feel like my emotions are poisoning me. I know I should concentrate on me and my partner but I'm finding it impossible at the minute. It's all such a mess!
I don't even know where to start, I'm confused and scared at the minute.
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years am 35 years old and have two children. I absolutely adored my partner and never thought I would ever doubt my feelings for him even though he has put me through my paces and never truly commited to me, he's never wanted marriage or kids with me (my two girls are from previous relationship). I didn't realise this wasn't enough. I thought I could cope with the way things were, I blocked out we were in trouble and buried my head in the sand. He cheated on me when we were first together which traumatised me and I shot it in his face whenever we argued. I am such a hypocrite.
Fast forward 6 years....I work with a man very closely and knew we were close in a platonic way looking back I think I had feelings for him but again buried it and denied it to myself. He is my age and has a partner and two young girls. I never in a million years thought anything would ever happen and the thought of somebody else other than my partner touching me knocked me sick. We go away with work sometimes and before now have stayed in a hotel on our own. Nothing ever happened and it was never awkward between us. Things changed in July, we went away with a group of colleagues, we had a lot to drink and I have to admit I initiated contact by holding onto and rubbing his arm. When we went back to the hotel we all went our separate ways to our rooms. When I got to my room he had followed me, I invited him in for a cuppa (I don't know if I was being naive or pretending I didn't know what was happening). Once we got in there you can guess we weren't innocent. We didn't go all the way thank god but it was wrong I know that. When we got back to work it was tense between us but he done the decent thing and brought it up. He blamed the drink and said it couldn't happen again and we were to draw a line under it putting it to the back of our minds. I agreed and got upset I told him I was horrified by what we had done which I honestly was. I was relieved we had got it out in the open and thought we could go on as we were...I was wrong. Roll on 2 months and I can't forget about it. My heart is aching and I'm so mad at myself for not being able to move on from it. I read too much into everything the poor blokes says, he's gone right back to normal and I resent that. I'm struggling to move on and I'm furious and disgusted with myself for having these thoughts. We went away with work yesterday and he was a pure gentleman and honourable to his partner he really is a good man (don't judge him) but by him being honourable and respectful just makes my feelings deepen. I'm sinking into depression because I can't see how by working with him I can get over this and am considering leaving my job but I don't know what I can say to my partner as it's quite well paid. I haven't owned up to my partner I know that's cowardly but I'm so fragile I don't think my mind could take the fallout over it. I could barely speak to my colleague today because I am so angry, not with him because he didn't want me again but with myself for me wanting him to want me. I never understood how people could do what I have done and get into the situation I have and we openly voiced my opinions on office indiscretions previously to him in normal conversations. Now here I am in a situation I despise to be in. How can I control these thoughts and keep what little integrity and dignity I have left. I keep wanting to tell him how I feel but I know that's not fair to project my emotions onto him and I don't want an affair or anything more I would give anything to turn the clock back. I feel like my emotions are poisoning me. I know I should concentrate on me and my partner but I'm finding it impossible at the minute. It's all such a mess!