relationship suffering/feeling down/dam anxiety

[honeybee]

hiya all... just need to winge...

feeling so lonely, as some of you know i moved away from my friends and family to be with my fella which is great but im so lonely, i miss everyone...

the only familiar faces i've seen or interacted with over the last month are my fella's and his brother's...

things gone a bit sour with my mum, so not really chatting to her as much at the mo...

my fella's reaction is "well, if you worked like the rest of us you wouldn't feel this way"... (yeah, great help!! thanks for that encouraging comment love!!!)

my fella is getting a mortgage at the moment and i cant help but feel he'd rather be in a relationship with someone who can contriburte an equal ammount to the relationship as he does... for example for me to pay half the mortgage, instead im here on f*ing incapacity benefit and housing benefit... i hate it!!! surely the whole point of being in a relationship is to experiance and work towards goals together as a team...

i just dont know whether i should just spare him this sh*t life with me and finish with him... surely he'd be better off without me...

[honeybee]

i'm just constantly worrying about whether i love him or whether he still loves me or not!!!

i've known so many people who are close to me in abusive relationships that as soon as we bicker about something or he says something about my anxiety or whatever i just instantly think "this isn't going to work... we should split up now... bla bla bla... im not gonna put up with any shit... i dont deserve to be bullied... bla bla bla..."... its like im constantly waiting for something to go wrong... and most of the time there isnt even an issue... its just me... but then i think "is it just me? or should i get out of the relationship?"... its driving me mad... im sure its just because of my lack of confidence because of how crap my life is but how do i change it??? ...

sorry to go on and on and on....

[breeze25]

I am sorry that you are feeling like this, I have just started a thread about how supportive is your partner. Yours sounds like mine, can be supportive and then does or says something to annoy. I know that when I am like this I get paranoid and put everything he does or says under the microscope. I know that he loves me as we have a very good marriage, its when I am feeling like this I tend to push him away and then worry about why there is a distance between us. I am sure as this bout of anxiety goes so will the distance.

i don't know if this helped at all, just wanted to answer your post.

[honeybee]

ha ha ha... that made me laugh cos that is exactly what im doing now.. im getting really paranoid and insecure and everything he says or does i just seem to scrutinise... i think because i dont work or anything i've just got too much time to think... i suppose im just clinging onto the relationship and over analising it cos im scared of losing it beacuse with out my relationship i have nothing... im starting a house study course in bookkeeping in a few days so hopefully i'll stop worrying as much when that begins..

[breeze25]

Before I was bad again, if it wasn't for the fact that we had a rock solid relationship (we been through far too much to split up) then I would probably think he was on the verge of walking out on me.

I think when I feel like this I cant help but strongly dislike myself, and if I don't like myself, why should he. I can put on a brave face and act when my son is home from school (well most of the time) so I guess I should make more of an effort with him, but I don't, I find myself saying things like, if I die........, or when I'm gone.. which annoys him, so I guess things like that don't help.

I know he tries to understand but when I say I worrying I have a brain tunour, he will say why worry until you know for sure, or dismisses me as being silly.

I am sure that your boyfriend does love you, and you are probably right when you have something else to occupy your mind that will probably help a lot. I work from home and when I throw myself into work, I only thinking of the doom and gloom every 10 seconds rather than constantly.

[belle]

Hi hun...

I think for us "panic sufferers" we feel inadequate as an "equal" within a relationship. Bloody hell, my husband is constantly telling me what he could be doing if he wasn't with me! Its the easiest thing to do for our partners to attack our problems - but IF they had to deal with it on a daily basis, like we do, then they'd have an idea of how horrendously hard it is to confront our fears EVERY DAY and then perhaps they'd not use it against us.

x

[Zek]

The wrong word to the fellow sufferer is usually a common 'OK' word to many.

Thats how I see it when my partner has said something which just hits a cord and I start to stress myself out. It's not that they have caused the stress it is usually me because it's like an inbuilt mechanism, 'mention anything close that I may find an excuse to stress over and I'll start an arguement'.

I can't honestly say this is paranoid behaviour for me but it is irrational behaviour. Just like how irrational we can be when it comes to our anxiety and how it decides to debilitate us.

Zek

[groovygranny]

Hello Honeybee!

Just caught up with this thread, sorry !

Crikey, you're not alone luv. After 30yrs of marriage and coming through absolute hell together over issues not anx-related and then of course my own 'black' time.......I wondered the same as you.

I'd ask myself does he really love me 'for better or worse' or is it just because we've been married for so long and he can't imagine a life not being with me? So in the end I just had to bite the bullet and ask him outright.

Of course, being the man he is (and infuriatingly so!) he looked at me as though I'd just asked if night follows day! But, he must have known I needed an answer because his reply was "of course I love you dear; if I didn't I'd have been long gone by now!"

So, I'd say my sweet Honeybee that this is indeed your anx talking - but if you need a tangible answer then come right out with it and ask him.

I'm sure when you start your course you will feel better in yourself - and both you and your partner can take encouragement from that.

Anyway, don't know if this has been much help - just wanted to give you a big granny hug really lol!!


:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


:flowers:

[Lindalou64]

:hugs: :hugs:
sorry andrea your going through a tough time right now with your boyfriend, but i must add in a relationship (everyone) is through the good and the bad...to be there for one another 100%...yes nothing ever is perfect in a relationship but i hate to hear that ya boyfriend would say such a comment towards you,knowing that you have a disorder, not that ya lazy and dont wanna work .yes im sure you would love to work 3 jobs if ya could,this topic is just very upsetting to me ......not just with you andrea it happens to alot of people they know what ya have when you first meet you accept it or not!!! now im widowed my husband was 100% maybe 95 % there when i needed it..but as a single women i find it hard to find anyone or bother ....i need to get my confidence back and can just say ya love me for who i am or hit the road......i dunno im rambling hun .....but dont ever let anyone make you feel bad, i hope you 2 can talk about it and let him know you dont apprecite his little comments.i wish you happiness and much love..take care ...............Linda:flowers:

[belgarion]

Sorry to hear about this. But don't worry too much about it. From my experience, before I had suffered panic attacks, my girlfriend who did occasionally have them, would always question our relationship, and I felt like I'd maybe done something wrong, which had brought this all on. She was doing a fairly similar thing to what your doing, and questioning something there was no need to question. I must admit, it can be difficult to understand and be supportive of someone suffering a panic attack, without knowing what they are going through. Unfortunately, a few years later, I had some panic attacks, and of course the tables turned, although she was much more supportive than I was for her. Not really sure what I'm saying here, but I hope you feel more positive about it, and things get better for you! x

[PUGLETMUM]

hi honeybee,

not sure how your feeling at the moment with regards this situation, but i can relate 100% with you.

the thing is though i dont go along with BLAMING BLAMING BLAMING them and equally you cant BLAME yourself, can you try really hard not to go down this route? the other thing is is that it is your anxiety100% that is making you like this, i am currently having therapy and me and therapist have gone over ALL of this, and they dont want you to focus on your other half and they dont want your other half to change, they want YOU to help yourself to change!!!! while your focusing on HIM your not focusing on YOU!!!!!!

this is a big mistake as he can go out into the world so why focus on HIM!!!! get yourself better and then you can think about your relationship, this isnt just me saying this this is what my therapist has gone thry with me, also when we went together because i didnt want to go in on my own, i started complaining and moaning about him and i was told NO you cannot focus on him and expect him to be nice to me, at this time mark had had 3 weeks off work(some was days off thru a sick note off the doc to look after me! and some were holodays) and if i went to my cleaning jobs he COULD NOT move out of our house and i was phoming him to check every 10 minutes or so, and then when i came in he couldnt go ANYWHERE!!!!!!

now things are only a bit better, and mark is being less miserable at the moment, but over them 3 weeks he hardly spoke to me and he was sooooo unhappy, i'm sure youll say'yes but he was there' well he was but only in body and that 3 weeks were some of the worst ive had in the 10 years id known him, he just seemed to have given up on me. but the therapist was saying ' well tuff, just get on with it yourself' and it worked!!!!

if they leave us they leave us and then we'll have to deal with it then, but up until then you have to get back into today and do the best with today really, this thinking about the future is damaging so try your hardest not to do it, and you might see you start to feel better, i know its easier said than done coz im there myself but you just have to pull yourself out of it bit by bit

all the best love emmaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx