O_O
13-10-17, 18:58
Sorry in advance for the long post. I've had some sort of nervous breakdown and been diagnosed with OCD and health anxiety. I'm so scared something is actually wrong and I'm even cursed, even though I've never believed in that sort of thing.
I've always been very healthy, active, productive at work and generally a happy person. I've had some mild symptoms of anxiety and OCD throughout my life, but nothing debilitating.
I got pregnant several months ago. I was scared I would miscarry as my mother had several miscarriages, I had some spotting, and after a couple of months my pregnancy symptoms subsided. I saw a strong heartbeat at an early 7 week scan. The baby measured 6 weeks, but I was told I'd probably just ovulated late. Everyone told me the baby would be fine. At my 12 week scan I found out it had died at about 9 weeks.
I was devastated, but probably not disproportionately. Two days later I took misoprostol to induce miscarriage. A few hours of agony later I passed some tissue and thought it was over. A few days later at work, I went to the toilet and could feel something coming out of me. I thought I was having a uterine prolapse. I went to A&E. They said it was more pregnancy tissue that was stuck. They pulled it out with forceps. I was still ok at this point.
A later scan showed I still had retained tissue. I was told I would probably have to have a D&C under general anesthesia. This is the hardest part to talk about, where I flipped. I told them if I had a general, I would die.
The next couple of weeks were a nightmare of trying to get a referral to a hospital that would perform an MVA under local. I succeeded. I tried misoprostol one more time, with no success. I also became anaemic and had a week of utter terror of becoming more anaemic. Using expensive home tests and obsessively checking my friends eyelids against my own, I convinced myself I was getting worse. I had physical symptoms of anaemia. But I was wrong, and my anaemia had actually resolved. The symptoms had been anxiety.
I had the MVA in mid September. They scanned me after and said it was all clear. Four days later I passed a 3cm piece of tissue. They told me it must have been trapped in my cervix and missed in the scan. I became obsessed with the idea of gestational trophoblastic disease. None of the tissue analysed showed any evidence of this.
I started having blood tests to track HCG, the pregnancy hormone, to check it was coming down. My GP said it would probably be undetectable. It was 18. Four days later, it was still 18. I was told it would begin to drop. I didn't believe anyone, but it did.
As of my last test, on Monday, it was 5. At every test so far I've been terrified of a plateau or rise. I started seeing a clinical psychologist and taking diazepam, but have stopped taking that since I've heard it may increase HCG levels.
On Wednesday I had what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. I became convinced I was going to die soon. I am terrified my HCG will plateau or rise, indicating some sort of cancer. I've been off work for some time, have split up with my partner, have moved in with my mother, and can't do anything. I try to eat, but I've lost a lot of weight and am now underweight. I can't get out of bed. My next HCG test is Thursday. Probably my last one if HCG is under 5. My doctor has said I need to go on an SSRI to combat the OCD and anxiety.
I've been wrong about some things, but some of my greatest fears have also been true. I feel like I am going to die soon. I have moments where I manage to keep the anxiety down, but I am mostly filled with dread and fear. It feels like a premonition.
Can anybody relate.
Thank you,
Jenny
I've always been very healthy, active, productive at work and generally a happy person. I've had some mild symptoms of anxiety and OCD throughout my life, but nothing debilitating.
I got pregnant several months ago. I was scared I would miscarry as my mother had several miscarriages, I had some spotting, and after a couple of months my pregnancy symptoms subsided. I saw a strong heartbeat at an early 7 week scan. The baby measured 6 weeks, but I was told I'd probably just ovulated late. Everyone told me the baby would be fine. At my 12 week scan I found out it had died at about 9 weeks.
I was devastated, but probably not disproportionately. Two days later I took misoprostol to induce miscarriage. A few hours of agony later I passed some tissue and thought it was over. A few days later at work, I went to the toilet and could feel something coming out of me. I thought I was having a uterine prolapse. I went to A&E. They said it was more pregnancy tissue that was stuck. They pulled it out with forceps. I was still ok at this point.
A later scan showed I still had retained tissue. I was told I would probably have to have a D&C under general anesthesia. This is the hardest part to talk about, where I flipped. I told them if I had a general, I would die.
The next couple of weeks were a nightmare of trying to get a referral to a hospital that would perform an MVA under local. I succeeded. I tried misoprostol one more time, with no success. I also became anaemic and had a week of utter terror of becoming more anaemic. Using expensive home tests and obsessively checking my friends eyelids against my own, I convinced myself I was getting worse. I had physical symptoms of anaemia. But I was wrong, and my anaemia had actually resolved. The symptoms had been anxiety.
I had the MVA in mid September. They scanned me after and said it was all clear. Four days later I passed a 3cm piece of tissue. They told me it must have been trapped in my cervix and missed in the scan. I became obsessed with the idea of gestational trophoblastic disease. None of the tissue analysed showed any evidence of this.
I started having blood tests to track HCG, the pregnancy hormone, to check it was coming down. My GP said it would probably be undetectable. It was 18. Four days later, it was still 18. I was told it would begin to drop. I didn't believe anyone, but it did.
As of my last test, on Monday, it was 5. At every test so far I've been terrified of a plateau or rise. I started seeing a clinical psychologist and taking diazepam, but have stopped taking that since I've heard it may increase HCG levels.
On Wednesday I had what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. I became convinced I was going to die soon. I am terrified my HCG will plateau or rise, indicating some sort of cancer. I've been off work for some time, have split up with my partner, have moved in with my mother, and can't do anything. I try to eat, but I've lost a lot of weight and am now underweight. I can't get out of bed. My next HCG test is Thursday. Probably my last one if HCG is under 5. My doctor has said I need to go on an SSRI to combat the OCD and anxiety.
I've been wrong about some things, but some of my greatest fears have also been true. I feel like I am going to die soon. I have moments where I manage to keep the anxiety down, but I am mostly filled with dread and fear. It feels like a premonition.
Can anybody relate.
Thank you,
Jenny