View Full Version : Friend committed suicide.
Hi (move or delete if in wrong place)
My friend committed suicide - it was a horrible time and I struggled to get my head around it, I was very cowardly towards the whole situation and don't feel like I showed enough respect etc
Today is his birthday, he would of been 20. I am struggling to know what to do. Do I go lay flowers on his grave? How do I show my respect? I feel like a total coward.
I am really struggling to come to terms with the situation still, it's very raw and a lot of unanswered questions are in my mind.
Do what you would do if you had a friend that didn't die by suicide. If that means laying flowers at his grave, then go do it. Suicide is confusing, and hard to deal with. It's not easy. It's okay to have feelings of anger in addition to the hurt and loss. Remember, people who commit suicide were sick before they died. They were in so much pain, they didn't know how to make it stop, and they stopped being able to cope.
I"m sorry for your loss. I have been through this. I can't recommend grief counseling enough. There are many groups out there for people who have lost a loved one due to suicide.
Do what you would do if you had a friend that didn't die by suicide. If that means laying flowers at his grave, then go do it. Suicide is confusing, and hard to deal with. It's not easy. It's okay to have feelings of anger in addition to the hurt and loss. Remember, people who commit suicide were sick before they died. They were in so much pain, they didn't know how to make it stop, and they stopped being able to cope.
I"m sorry for your loss. I have been through this. I can't recommend grief counseling enough. There are many groups out there for people who have lost a loved one due to suicide.
Thank you so much.
It is all very confusing and so many different feelings. I felt very sad then angry like you mentioned but I wouldn't want to admit that incase I looked a bit disrespectful. I find it hard to believe as the day before he was saying how he will see us at the weekend, making plans etc. I actually thought it was a joke when I was told. I am going to lay flowers I think, I've really struggled going to his grave and haven't been yet. I'd like to write a little goodbye note and leave it somewhere for him, I didn't get to say my goodbyes as I'd like.
Thank you so much again - I'm going to look at some groups see if that helps, I think it's the confusion at the moment though, sorry to hear you have also been through it.
MyNameIsTerry
18-10-17, 05:04
I'm really sorry to hear this, Ellie. :hugs:
Grief has it's stages and everyone passes through them at their own pace. It's bound to trigger a lot of emotions so anger wouldn't be uncommon. Are you angry at yourself too for not realising so you could help them? And feel guilty for that or other things said or done whilst they were still alive?
Don't be hard on yourself. People going through that can hide it well. I've never been through it but I've had a best friend who has and he had no idea it was coming. They had just got married and he luckily came home early enough to stop it and she told him about all the debt she had hidden. I used to go out with them all the time and I never would have guessed as she looked so happy. She was a nurse too.
A work colleague lost a young adult son to suicide and he had no idea there were problems on that level. None of the family knew and it was a terrible experience for them.
It's confusing because we expect someone falling apart in public.
Coming to terms with it in your own time is very individual. Writing that letter and visiting the grave sounds like a very good idea. Tell them how much you loved them. Celebrate their life as you knew it.
:flowers:
I'm really sorry to hear this, Ellie. :hugs:
Grief has it's stages and everyone passes through them at their own pace. It's bound to trigger a lot of emotions so anger wouldn't be uncommon. Are you angry at yourself too for not realising so you could help them? And feel guilty for that or other things said or done whilst they were still alive?
Don't be hard on yourself. People going through that can hide it well. I've never been through it but I've had a best friend who has and he had no idea it was coming. They had just got married and he luckily came home early enough to stop it and she told him about all the debt she had hidden. I used to go out with them all the time and I never would have guessed as she looked so happy. She was a nurse too.
A work colleague lost a young adult son to suicide and he had no idea there were problems on that level. None of the family knew and it was a terrible experience for them.
It's confusing because we expect someone falling apart in public.
Coming to terms with it in your own time is very individual. Writing that letter and visiting the grave sounds like a very good idea. Tell them how much you loved them. Celebrate their life as you knew it.
:flowers:
Ahh thank you terry.
Very angry at myself for not noticing signs like you said, looking back there were plenty. Angry at myself for not always checking in on him and seeing how he was. Also angry at others he was let down massively, he rang his crisis team I believe detailing what he was going to and they hung up said he wouldn't do it. Thankfully the lady who hung up has been suspended now as she was meant to call his parents if he ever rang and didn't this makes his death even more upsetting as it was preventable in a way.
Yes that's the trouble with depression and suicidal thoughts it's often masked and you can never tell looking at this young lad you would never of thought he anything wrong with him was always smiling,chatting and making plans. Glad to hear someone found your bestfriends wife before she could do anything what a horrible situation for her.
I will visit the grave. I must admit I'm a very closed person so the letter will be much easier for me. I will find it hard to talk to the grave like most people do and I'm not really sure why I find it difficult. I believe the parents try and make it a personal touch so blue stuff as he loved that colour. He has his old toy cars going round his grave too, It really is lovely.
Thank you for your advice it's lovely to know people can help on here about all types of problems.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
When my friend passed, I wrote a lot of angry letters. I said the Kaddish a lot. I alternated between sad and angry all the time. It’s okay. Write a bunch of letters you don’t take to him, before you write the one that you do. And it’s okay to talk to him in your head as well. It takes a long time for the guilt to go away, and some of it never will. But try go easy on yourself because your friend wouldn’t have wanted you to feel bad.
Hi Ellie
I'm so sorry to hear this. That's so sad. I don't have any words of wisdom then than to look after yourself and not to blame yourself for anything. Big hugs and take care xx
Ellie, I really do feel for you. Whatever you decide to do will be right so long as you are at peace with your decision. Suicide throws up such terrible emotions and no one can prepare for his/her reaction to such tragic and shocking news especially as the person was so young and ostensibly vibrant. You'll find your own way to remember your friend-anniversaries are very hard :hugs:
Ellie, wow I cannot even think of words that would provide comfort to you right now. Grief is so difficult, and suicide is even more complicated. Just know that whatever you feel is okay to feel - whether it's anger, sadness, questioning, guilt. It is all normal in these circumstances. In the end it was your friend's choice, not yours, so you are not responsible for it. But that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking.
Go easy on yourself. Whatever you decide to do is the "right" thing to do. Do what feels right. :hugs::hugs::hugs:
Thank you all so much, it has really helped me reading your replies as I felt guilty for feeling angry. It was like a cycle of emotions. Thank you all again.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I decided to let go of some balloons with a personal message on and it really helped, thank you again.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
That was a lovely idea :hugs::hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
19-10-17, 02:32
Ahh thank you terry.
Very angry at myself for not noticing signs like you said, looking back there were plenty. Angry at myself for not always checking in on him and seeing how he was. Also angry at others he was let down massively, he rang his crisis team I believe detailing what he was going to and they hung up said he wouldn't do it. Thankfully the lady who hung up has been suspended now as she was meant to call his parents if he ever rang and didn't this makes his death even more upsetting as it was preventable in a way.
Yes that's the trouble with depression and suicidal thoughts it's often masked and you can never tell looking at this young lad you would never of thought he anything wrong with him was always smiling,chatting and making plans. Glad to hear someone found your bestfriends wife before she could do anything what a horrible situation for her.
I will visit the grave. I must admit I'm a very closed person so the letter will be much easier for me. I will find it hard to talk to the grave like most people do and I'm not really sure why I find it difficult. I believe the parents try and make it a personal touch so blue stuff as he loved that colour. He has his old toy cars going round his grave too, It really is lovely.
Thank you for your advice it's lovely to know people can help on here about all types of problems.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thanks, he got there after she had started but in time for an ambulance to save her. She was sectioned and recovered. The marriage didn't last but she was better and that's all that matters.
If you knew what he he thinking, you would have intervened but we aren't trained to spot more subtle clues that could point to something so serious. Like has been said, your friend wouldn't want you to feel that way.
I would be very angry with that crisis team person. Sacked would be my preference. Struck off. Sadly, the NHS are good at glossing over such things and protecting their own unless it gets in front of solicitors or the media.
Lovely idea about the balloons. A good metaphor for letting go, for both of you. :flowers:
Thanks, he got there after she had started but in time for an ambulance to save her. She was sectioned and recovered. The marriage didn't last but she was better and that's all that matters.
If you knew what he he thinking, you would have intervened but we aren't trained to spot more subtle clues that could point to something so serious. Like has been said, your friend wouldn't want you to feel that way.
I would be very angry with that crisis team person. Sacked would be my preference. Struck off. Sadly, the NHS are good at glossing over such things and protecting their own unless it gets in front of solicitors or the media.
Lovely idea about the balloons. A good metaphor for letting go, for both of you. :flowers:
I find that crazy, how 10/20 minutes could of really been a different situation I really believe we are meant to be at all times! (Sorry going off subject)
It's very weird looking back you see more obvious signs but I think the brain always does that, you always wish you done more or did this or did that.
She's only been suspended following investigation, I'm hoping she will be fired she has really cost a young boy the chance of help, if he rang just before it seems to me he wanted to be saved but she just couldn't be bothered.
Thank you terry!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
In a few months or years when you’re ready, there is a book called “Night Falls Fast” by Jamison, a professor at UCLA (outstanding lady), about the whys of suicide. It’s a good read when you’re ready to face those questions and take that step.
In a few months or years when you’re ready, there is a book called “Night Falls Fast” by Jamison, a professor at UCLA (outstanding lady), about the whys of suicide. It’s a good read when you’re ready to face those questions and take that step.
Ahh brilliant, I get on quite well with the mother of the friend and she's been looking for books and TV to watch to understand, get some answers, she teared up the whole house looking for a note but she never found one, I'll let her know.
I will have a look at the book too. Thank you again.
MRS STRESS ED
19-10-17, 08:51
Ellie sorry to hear of your loss I have just recently lost my best friend to illness and that is hard but expected so to lose someone and it's not expected is going to crush you ,it's hard to come to terms with and it's that question WHY .Dont be so hard on yourself you should do what's best for you theres not right or wrong in this you dont have to lay flowers to remember your friend just simply talking about them is remembering them xx take care xx
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.