Dormouse
20-10-17, 09:53
Hello, I'd thought I share my experiences to help those in a really dark place.
A year ago I had a traumatic experience that I won't go into, and work up in the middle of the night feeling really odd. I started to freak out and had a panic attack. When I have a panic attack, I don't get out of breath, I get this rush of adrenaline like I'm standing close to the edge of a cliff, an overwhelming feeling of dread and feel completely disoriented - all my surroundings seem strange kind of like when you come out a building and can't get your bearings. It's absolutely terrifying. I then got stuck in that state of panic and just couldn't calm down. It was like a switch had been flicked and I was stuck permanently in the fight or flight state. I felt sick and had to force down food, my stomach was terrible, I kept getting violent shakes. I'd wake up in the morning and the first thing I'd think is "oh no, I'm still panicking." I'd carry on feeling extreme anxiety all day, with waves of really bad terror coming and going.
After a week, I plucked up the courage to go to the doctor and got prescribed medication but it didn't seem to work. I started CBT but I was in too bad a condition for it to get through. Each day that passed I got more and more desperate, and I became totally convinced that I was going to be like this forever. My doctor told me it would pass but I just couldn't believe it because every day I woke up feeling the same. I knew it was my own thoughts causing the panic but I couldn't see how i could stop those thoughts. I had a constant monologue in my head going "help I'm anxious, help I'm anxious, this is never going away." And I mean constant. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I tried to get the train into work but had to come home again and signed off sick. Being at home made it worse as I had fewer distractions. I got more and more depressed until I felt death was the only way out. I started imagining ways to kill myself and that took over my thoughts. I strongly urge anyone who gets to this stage to go to the doctor and impress upon them explicitly that you are feeling really suicidal. I said I was feeling desperate but didn't want to admit I was suicidal as I didn't see what good it would do. But at that stage, you really need proper psychiatric help and should be honest about how bad it is.
After several months of absolute hell, I couldn't take it any more and tried to take my own life. Thank God, I didn't succeed. I was taken into hospital and saw the Crisis team who finally saw just how bad it was. I had my meds upped and they saw me every day for a while. They didn't do much, just gave some anxiety management tips and monitored my condition but it just made me feel I was doing something and I wasn't alone. Reaching rock bottom and sort of giving up actually made me stop fighting the anxiety and start just living day to day.
Gradually the panic came down enough that it wasn't completely unbearable. I started seeing a therapist again which helped this time. Two things he said really helped:
- don't fight the panic when a really bad attack came but just let the feelings be, move your thoughts elsewhere and wait for it to pass.
- carry on with your life as much as possible. Don't bother worrying about cutting out all caffeine and alcohol (obviously don't drink a lot though), just do all the things you used to.
I did what he said and stopped exacerbating the panic attacks by freaking out about them. I went out with friends, went to work, went swimming. I was very anxious the whole time and wasn't enjoying myself, but I pushed through all the normal things anyway. Gradually, the anxiety got less and less until I realised I was able to focus on things and not think about my anxiety for a while. I started actually enjoying things again.
It's now been about 9 months since I started to recover. I still get panic attacks and feel on edge some days, but it is manageable. I still get down sometimes as I am not totally back to normal and have good and bad days, but I hope I'll be able to improve more over time. Importantly, I can cope.
I just want to say, however bad it gets, it WILL PASS. It doesn't seem like it at the time, but you can get over even the worst anxiety. DON'T GIVE UP. Plan each day with tasks to distract you and just get to the end of it. Wake up the next day and do the same. Gradually, it will get better even if you don't notice it to start with.
A year ago I had a traumatic experience that I won't go into, and work up in the middle of the night feeling really odd. I started to freak out and had a panic attack. When I have a panic attack, I don't get out of breath, I get this rush of adrenaline like I'm standing close to the edge of a cliff, an overwhelming feeling of dread and feel completely disoriented - all my surroundings seem strange kind of like when you come out a building and can't get your bearings. It's absolutely terrifying. I then got stuck in that state of panic and just couldn't calm down. It was like a switch had been flicked and I was stuck permanently in the fight or flight state. I felt sick and had to force down food, my stomach was terrible, I kept getting violent shakes. I'd wake up in the morning and the first thing I'd think is "oh no, I'm still panicking." I'd carry on feeling extreme anxiety all day, with waves of really bad terror coming and going.
After a week, I plucked up the courage to go to the doctor and got prescribed medication but it didn't seem to work. I started CBT but I was in too bad a condition for it to get through. Each day that passed I got more and more desperate, and I became totally convinced that I was going to be like this forever. My doctor told me it would pass but I just couldn't believe it because every day I woke up feeling the same. I knew it was my own thoughts causing the panic but I couldn't see how i could stop those thoughts. I had a constant monologue in my head going "help I'm anxious, help I'm anxious, this is never going away." And I mean constant. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I tried to get the train into work but had to come home again and signed off sick. Being at home made it worse as I had fewer distractions. I got more and more depressed until I felt death was the only way out. I started imagining ways to kill myself and that took over my thoughts. I strongly urge anyone who gets to this stage to go to the doctor and impress upon them explicitly that you are feeling really suicidal. I said I was feeling desperate but didn't want to admit I was suicidal as I didn't see what good it would do. But at that stage, you really need proper psychiatric help and should be honest about how bad it is.
After several months of absolute hell, I couldn't take it any more and tried to take my own life. Thank God, I didn't succeed. I was taken into hospital and saw the Crisis team who finally saw just how bad it was. I had my meds upped and they saw me every day for a while. They didn't do much, just gave some anxiety management tips and monitored my condition but it just made me feel I was doing something and I wasn't alone. Reaching rock bottom and sort of giving up actually made me stop fighting the anxiety and start just living day to day.
Gradually the panic came down enough that it wasn't completely unbearable. I started seeing a therapist again which helped this time. Two things he said really helped:
- don't fight the panic when a really bad attack came but just let the feelings be, move your thoughts elsewhere and wait for it to pass.
- carry on with your life as much as possible. Don't bother worrying about cutting out all caffeine and alcohol (obviously don't drink a lot though), just do all the things you used to.
I did what he said and stopped exacerbating the panic attacks by freaking out about them. I went out with friends, went to work, went swimming. I was very anxious the whole time and wasn't enjoying myself, but I pushed through all the normal things anyway. Gradually, the anxiety got less and less until I realised I was able to focus on things and not think about my anxiety for a while. I started actually enjoying things again.
It's now been about 9 months since I started to recover. I still get panic attacks and feel on edge some days, but it is manageable. I still get down sometimes as I am not totally back to normal and have good and bad days, but I hope I'll be able to improve more over time. Importantly, I can cope.
I just want to say, however bad it gets, it WILL PASS. It doesn't seem like it at the time, but you can get over even the worst anxiety. DON'T GIVE UP. Plan each day with tasks to distract you and just get to the end of it. Wake up the next day and do the same. Gradually, it will get better even if you don't notice it to start with.