View Full Version : Freaking out now
Morning All.
So Ive posted a few threads and they go in line with ways of HA. Firstly I want to say that I find this website very calming and helpful. I feel like abit of a "user" as I only use it when my HA is in full swing. However, I would like to ask if anyone feels like their HA stops them making life decisions? This might be abit of a long post but Im hoping people will respond. For me this can be buying a new item of clothing and thinking whats the point in wasting money on this if Im seriously ill etc? At the minute Im feeling anxious about buying a property abroad. This is making me feel dizzy but then the HA in me thinks am I dizzy becuase theres something seriously wrong with me and then when Im calm I think or is it the big decision to buy abroad thats making me anxious and the dizziness is part of feeling anxious?? I hope you understand what I mean? Its abit like chicken and egg which came first!! Its almost like I dont know which one came first? The life decision causing anxiety or the anxiety causing the symptoms making me feel I shouldnt make decisions. Now I feel totally bonkers because Im thinking I dont want to spend a lot of money to find out Im ill in 6 months time and leave my family with debt which we didnt have in the first place! I have had CBt in the past which I found helpful but as my HA isnt constant I dont want medication, I havent seen my GP in ages because deep down I think this is my HA giving in so ill just give my symtpoms time to calm down and reassess the sitation instead of running off to see a Gp and also for anyone who hasnt read my posts, Im a nurse and I feel really stupid having HA given the number of people I see on any given day with the same thing! My symptoms at the minute are dizziness which comes and goes almost like a swaying in my head but no falling or off balance or visiual disturbances. Its a split second thing worse in the morning but today its really affected my work adn I cant seem to concentrate. please help x
I have experienced what you're describing about fear of making decisions because what's the point if I'm seriously ill? Sometimes I try to counter this with a thought - if I'm seriously ill, then I should do as many things as possible before I became unable to.
And buying property abroad is a really big decision that would be stressful for anyone. And dizziness is like the most common symptom of anxiety, but I'm sure you know this :)
Worrywart1234
19-09-17, 11:52
Absolutely! When my HA is really out of control I feel embarassed for myself if I make any plans at all, because what's the point. Those sort of thoughts are so distressing and off putting aren't they?! At the moment, I've had a very good bit of luck and am also buying a house and I can't shake the feeling that something really bad is about to happen to make up for it...I'm not sure I have any suggestions for you - I'm rather hoping to get some ideas from other responses to your post. I will say, though, that I try and tell myself it's unfair to my family to put my bad thoughts onto them. I try and distract myself as soon as I start thinking it.
I also know what you mean about your only using the forum when you're not doing well. I sometimes find this forum triggers anxiety in me when I'm feeling ok, so I usually only come on when I'm needing a bit of back up.
It's really nice to know I'm not alone with these sort of thoughts - it just proves the bad thoughts are anxiety and not a symptom of something terrible...
Thanks very much for both posting. Its nice to know Im not alone. I was interested in what you Amrija said about doing as many things as possible - its kind of put a positive spin on it and I hadn't thought of this. i will try and do this more often.
Worrywart, thanks for the response, I will also try and not push my bad fears onto my family. I know I should feel lucky and excited to be buying property abroad but after no mortgage for many years and then taking money out of my home is a massive deal just as you both said. However I will also try and think more about how my children will enjoy using it and their friends, and like you said not put my worries onto them and concentrate on how happy they will be.
Good luck with your house BTW!
Honestly its so frustrating all these thoughts, it makes me feel dreadful. I cant believe that you can go about your normal life for weeks and months with not a care in the world and then out of the blue something so tiny makes a massive impact on your life and makes you second guess every life decision. I should be feeling so happy and excited and instead I keep thinking its a waste of time because Im getting the family into debt and I might be dead in 12 month!! Going bonkers :doh:
I used to feel like I couldn't make long term plans until I knew I didn't have whatever sinister condition I feared at the time. The problem was I would find out I didn't have whatever it was I feared and within a day or 2 I would be convinced I had some other sinister condition. So I never made any long term plans for 3 years. HA sucks.
Oh no Swajj, thats exactly how I feel except at the minute its not consuming my whole life just now and agai. i can go months not feeling anything then all of a sudden bam its back! How did you get over it?
AnxietySuckss
19-09-17, 13:57
You said they’re like split second spells of dizziness/off balance. Would it be accurate to call them “zap” type feelings?
Hi Anxiety, no they're not zaps - I used to get those which I associated with headaches but havent had them for months. this feels like a swaying sensation. nothing is blurry and I dont feel like I will fall. Its almost like someone has a thread attached to my head and they're pulling me over and I want to move in that direction. then I blink and its gone.
AnxietySuckss
19-09-17, 14:02
Hi Anxiety, no they're not zaps - I used to get those which I associated with headaches but havent had them for months. this feels like a swaying sensation. nothing is blurry and I dont feel like I will fall. Its almost like someone has a thread attached to my head and they're pulling me over and I want to move in that direction. then I blink and its gone.
That sounds very common with anxiety. :p
I completely understand what you're saying. I deal with something similar, but not exactly the same. My brain refuses to allow me to have a good time. It doesn't let me acknowledge that I'm having fun or enjoying a good family day. I struggle the most before trips/vacations/day trips/family plans. My brain keeps saying "what if this is the last fun time you guys have before you're 'diagnosed'." "This will be a memory that your kid has of you after you're gone from x-y-z disease I'm scared of at the time".
It's SO annoying. :emot-rolleyes:
It's awful dubmom. I sometimes go in a shop and think this migh be the last time I shop in here. It's totally crazy. I don't know if it's hormones or what but every little twitch or twinge I get that doesn't go quickly, I automatically fear the worst. Anxiety is dreadful. I feel like I have conversations in my head where I think I'm going to get some dreaded illness and won't be here in 6 months time so there's no point in doing anything that might make me happy just in case. Then straight away I'll be telling myself to get a grip and that whatever symptom I'm over analysing is very common and then my thoughts go round and round in circles. Not fun!
emanticoff73
19-09-17, 17:05
Wow I thought I was the only one. I'm 44 with no career because of my HA. I also feel what's the sense in doing things, smiling, enjoying a moment, buying my favorite things when I will die anyways. I do not allow must happiness because the if bad wolf is around the corner ready to ruin my day. I wasted my life like this and still do. Its almost self punishment. I will be seeking therapy soon. Hopefully i can pull myself together.
Oh Emanticoff that's not good. I feel so sorry for everyone with anxiety. It totally ruins your life. I'm fortunate that I can go months feeling happy and well, but its that out of the blue attack that happens without any warning that I cant get my head round. Or if I have an ache or pain which takes longer to go away than I would normally expect, that sets my anxiety off.
Oh no Swajj, thats exactly how I feel except at the minute its not consuming my whole life just now and agai. i can go months not feeling anything then all of a sudden bam its back! How did you get over it?
My anxiety affected me differently. I didn't have good periods like you. I had almost 3 years of HA that affected me daily. I went to a psychiatrist for almost three years as well. So CBT and hard work were definitely factors in my recovery. However, when I try to put my finger on the turning point I can't. I've tried very hard to do that though because I want to be able to recognise the early warning signs that my HA is returning. I think an important breakthrough for me came as a result of something my psych said. I have talked about it here before. He told me that I should stop being afraid of dying because I was already dead. In other words, not actually living my life anymore. There was so much truth in his statement that I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I don't think there is a one size fits alll cure for HA. I wasn't your typical HA sufferer. I didn't have a stressful home life. I had a great job and a great relationship. I had never suffered with depression and my psych told me after our first session that I had good self-esteem.
Maybe we just reach the point where we are sick of not living our lives anymore. HA is boring. I rarely think about my health now. I do often think how ironic it would be if I developed a serious condition now and how I would feel. I think I would deeply regret wasting 3 years of my life as a healthy person worrying about non-existent illnesses.
Try to work out how your life and thoughts are different when you are anxiety free. I know it's hard to do but therein lies your answer. Good luck.
I think you do an incredible job on here helping people, swajj, and telling it as it is. Be careful that you don't jeopardise your own mental health though, no matter how strong you are? HA is an insidious beast which creeps up on you..as you know.
Firstly, don't feel bad for only using this site when you need to. I find that when I'm having a 'good period', coming on this site can trigger me. Everyone on this site wishes to be HA free and wants the same for others.
Anyway, I did used to have these thought patterns and sometimes still do. When my HA was at its most debilitating, I dropped classes at university, stopped taking shifts at work, stopped socialising and generally just lay in bed all day. Now, I am a lot better. I used to think, 'what's the point of working hard towards a goal if I'll never really see the rewards because some horrid disease is about to wipe me out?'. Truthfully, even at the gym today, I had a moment of helplessness, thinking something along these lines. But I am much better now. Why? Because I just want to live. And life is work. In a way, having HA has enabled me to find balance. I used to be masochistic in how much work I would do and how future orientated I was. Now I live each day both in the moment (this can be as simple as taking note of a scene that I find beautiful or really focusing on the taste of my food etc), as well as in the knowing that a lot of life is inevitably centred around building a future. I think, 'Well, I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet and until then, I have the privilege to go on living as normal and that's what I should do.' So I think, maybe if you adopt this thought, it could be helpful. It doesn't erase the HA but it allows you to move through life in a way that is practical, even if you are struggling.
Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure if the root of my HA stems from being a strong confident person. I have an excellent job family kids and I'm very fortunate in the money front. I think maybe that's part of my problem that I'm happy and feel that at some point some illness will ruin it. It also doesn't help that being a nurse I've seen people at their most vulnerable with illnesses that I'd never had to deal with. I do totally see you point though that I haven't been diagnosed with anything and when I work so hard I should enjoy the benefits for however long I may have them. It certainly puts another perspective in view. Thank you x
I was just going to write a new post when I spotted this one. I'm exactly the same. I call it the what if syndrome. I often think there's no point washing my hair or making myself look pretty just to die. Then there's the holidays I refuse to book in case I'm dead or unwell. I was feeling slightly better today until I started unloading the dishwasher. I started thinking what if I do have a brain tumour and they are treating me for anxiety. What's the point in emptying the dishes when no one will be here to use them. I'm not living because of these what ifs. Its mentally exhausting living with this health anxiety x
Hi Loggie. That's exactly how I feel on and off all the time. Then I wind myself up thinking am I anxious and that's what's brought on the twinge or ache, or do I have something seriously wrong with me and I'm feeling anxious about that! It's just a mess. It's almost like I don't want to make any plans for the future just in case I'm not around. Sounds like your the same as me when your thinking of booking holidays and stuff. It's odd because I never worry about being run over or having a sudden heart attack that would see me off instantly. Instead I worry about being told I've got an illness, having it treated and being really ill with it and suffering.
Yes I'm same. Massive heart attacks and accidents font phase me in the slightest. Its the cancers and degenerative diseases that worry me most. Sounds bad but I've seen myself say I'd rather have cervical or bowel cancer than a brain tumour cos the other 2 are more treatable. Then I think of gladly have ms rather than als because there's a longer living time with ms. Its actually that mentally exhausting it turns physically exhausting. Wish I could find a way to stop the what ifs and focus on a healthy future. I'm tanked up with so much medication my symptoms have symptoms. Cbt isn't even helping me just now. I've researched so many illnesses I dont even need to google symptoms anymore. I've started praying to angels and asking spirits for guidance. I've no idea what else to do to stop the thoughts. Sounds funny but I'm glad I'm not the only one. Hope some help comes along for you soon xx
Thank you Loggie. Your thoughts are similar to mine about illnesses. I wish I could be carefree and 20 again!
Me too. Oh how things would be so different. I'm 33 and have spent 10 years like this. I've started to annoy myself so god only knows how my family and fr feel. X
I think you do an incredible job on here helping people, swajj, and telling it as it is. Be careful that you don't jeopardise your own mental health though, no matter how strong you are? HA is an insidious beast which creeps up on you..as you know.
Thank you pulisa xx. I think the same of you. You are more patient than me though.
And no I will never allow NMP to jeopardise my mental health. I'm very careful what I read here still.
Wow!!! This is SOOOOO me! Its an awful way to live and I feel like I have missed out on so much the past 3-4 years. I have 2 kids and a husband and I feel like I'm there but not mentally all the time. I miss out on the fun times, the memories I'm making etc. with my kids. They are growing up so fast and I'm totally missing it because of my stupid HA. I do the same thing with trips, fun plans etc. I think to myself "I better not because this or that." I'm currently job hunting for a new job and I admit I backed off lately because I'm afraid to get into a new job and not be able to take off for doctor appointments or whatever. Its sad and and really really really terrible way to live. I'm 32 years old and I feel like the past 4 years of my life have been a complete blur and me just going through the motions mostly. I hate it and I just want my carefree self back. I use to not worry over my health so much. I have no idea how it even began and why i deal with it but its not easy to turn it off either. I have days where I feel good and happy but I'm always just waiting for the ball to drop and it always seems if I get rid of one worry, I'm onto the next within a day or two. :(
Big hugs Leslie, its awful. its like a constant merry go round, one minute your fine, fine for months even and then out of no where a twitch or twinge will occur and then your in HA overdrive! At the minute I have a swaying sensation going on in my head and an ache in my groin and for the last 3 months some type of weird brown discharge instead of my usual (TMI I know!!) The thought of going seeing the Dr terrifies me and makes me think its just anxiety so dont waste their time but the HA in me thinks something is seriously wrong. Then all the normal stuff I should be enjoying like trips out, shopping and home life become unbearable because I just think whats the point!
Big hugs Leslie, its awful. its like a constant merry go round, one minute your fine, fine for months even and then out of no where a twitch or twinge will occur and then your in HA overdrive! At the minute I have a swaying sensation going on in my head and an ache in my groin and for the last 3 months some type of weird brown discharge instead of my usual (TMI I know!!) The thought of going seeing the Dr terrifies me and makes me think its just anxiety so dont waste their time but the HA in me thinks something is seriously wrong. Then all the normal stuff I should be enjoying like trips out, shopping and home life become unbearable because I just think whats the point!
I have had the swaying sensation before. I've had it last for weeks before it finally goes. I just assume its anxiety. I hate it! feels like your rocking on a boat. I also had the brown discharge instead of my period last cycle! Made me anxious too!!!
Oh no, do you ever get more than 1 symptoms and then link them up to mean one massively terrifying diagnosis? Im linking brown discharge and this ache in my groin to something suspicious.
Well I've woke up this morning nervous. It's my day off so I've chilled in bed for awhile. Now I feel calm and I thought I'd book myself in for an eye test to see if anything gets picked up for this swaying feeling I've got. Typical made the appointment for 12pm all calm and then I'm walking round the shops and the feeling starts again! Now I'm nervous.
Morning all.
My mind is going crazy at the minute thinking ive got something terrible going on. For years I've had lower back pain when I wake up. It goes once im up and the only way I've found to relieve it is if I sleep straight in bed and slightly sat up. Then I started with this brownish discharge 10 days after my period starts which has been going on for 6 months. I've never had an abnormal smear or irregular bleeding. Now for 3 weeks I've got this right sided groin/hip ache. It comes and goes throughout the day and sometimes goes into my thigh. When I put all the symptoms together I'm thinking ovarian cancer.
Im 42 with 2 children, not been on the pill since I was 21 and was only on it for 4/5 years. No family history of cancer except from an auntie who has some sort of stomach cancer I think. Now it's all I'm thinking about. I don't have any bloating, pain, bleeding or any other symptoms I can think of other than anxiety and the ongoing saga with my sons nosebleeds! Any words of wisdom would be great.
AlexandriaUK
15-10-17, 10:47
Hi I'm not sure that I know the answer but if your recent smears were OK then cancer is possibly a no, when you say you have brown discharge 10 days after period was it a follow on or how many days in between, could be your heading for the change, I would go and see your Dr just for reassurance, the right sided pain and into leg with back pain could be something simple like sciatica but you do need to go and discuss this with your GP not because its bad but because he has the answer's which will put your mind at rest.
Also how olds your mattresses
Thanks Alex
I've changed my mattress several times just in case it was that and it didn't help. I've had my current one 2 years. I saw a go for my back ache and visited a chiropractor but they wanted £950 so I only went once!
My discharge is literally 10-13 days after my period starts so it's exactly in the middle. My periods are regularly every 28-30 days and last 5-7 days. I thought I could be going through early stages of menapause I feel so hormonal and I know slight changes can start years before periods become off.
Hi all
I'm getting very worried about my right leg aching. It started on and off 2 weeks or so ago following groin ache. I have no pain it just feels like when you've been sat on a chair for hours and get a numb bum and leg ache. I was at work this morning and that's how it started today but I seem to keep getting it every other day. There's no signs of infection redness or calf swelling. I'm convinced it's linked to the abdominal pain I had months ago which was also on my right side and this brown discharge I have every month around the same time. I'm scared in case its ovarian cancer or something serious. I'm scared to go to my GP because I know they will ask for a ream of tests which will make my HA 10 times worse.
Anyone experienced similar?
Maybe it's the way you're sitting or sleeping? Have you tried to change it? I had this with my shoulder and I changed my sleep position and it went.
You should go to your GP if you feel like you need to, peace of mind and they will give you something for pain if it got too bad, if your abdominal pain was months ago I don't think it's linked.
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Hi
This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads
It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.
Elen
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