Lymph Node Obsession

[Jack0567]

Hi all,

I know people often discuss their obsessive lymph node anxiety on here. I am no different. Jabbing my fingers deep into my neck, rolling obsessively over every lump I can find. Mapping out palpable nodes. Looking for any inconsistencies between the left and right side.

The doctor doesn't even like feeling my neck as they say it doesn't address the underlying anxiety. As far as I can tell, I have a few palpable lymph nodes; maybe 4 down the left side, and 3 down the right. Some are pea shaped, some are bean shaped. They are all reasonably soft and moveable, and don't seem to have grown since I've found each of them (ranging between 1-12 months ago). Size wise, some feel bigger than others, but I don't think any of them are larger than 1cm on the short-axis diameter (although I often convince myself they are and find myself comparing the palpitation to a ruler for reassurance).

What else? Oh, I suffered with bad tonsillitis as a kid, and have always had massive tonsils and glands under my chin, which have been there as long as I can remember – and don't usually give me any anxiety.

I suppose the underlying fear is lymphoma. I discovered my neck nodes really by accident. A year ago I was obsessing over tonsil cancer, and therefore jamming my fingers into my neck to try and find enlargements. Since then I've become more obsessed with my neck nodes and specifically lymphoma, hence why I've probably discovered more nodes as time (and the obsession) went on.

I get the rational part. I know that slim people may have some palpable nodes in the neck. I get that people with a history of tonsiltis/enlarged tonsils may be able to feel their nodes. I get that most of us could find them if we jabbed our fingers in obsessively. I get that obsessively palpating them perpetuates any swelling. I know that nodes not above 1cm in short-axis diameter aren't considered clinically significant. I know that if I had lymphoma, I'd probably have noticed other symptoms by now, and have a significant lump.

Regardless, the rationality is so often doubted by anxiety. So what do you guys think? How do you reinforce the rationality and quell the anxiety?

[BringBackJack43]

Hey, Jack --

This is my first time posting to the website. Your message reminded me of myself (not least of all because your username has "Jack" in it), my paranoia concerning some palpable lymph nodes, and a genuine desire to move on from this constant state of worry.

I don't know exactly how to move on from it, but I've been trying to conceptualize it like any other "problem" I've had with my body before, which have almost always stemmed from issues of control. I view my body as a site of control--the battleground where many of my battles with anxiety are fought. With previous issues I've had such as self-harm and disordered eating (I am not looking for any pity for these things--they are just facts of my past), I one day got fed up with the mindset that I had trapped myself in. I decided that I control myself, not my anxieties or my self-doubts. I am stronger than those things--maybe not all the time, but eventually I pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with it.

I'm still grappling with health anxiety and I probably always will, but I try to trust that if something were wrong--really wrong--then I would have symptoms and my lymph nodes would be getting bigger. I try to repeat to myself what a friend told me after I mentioned them to her for the umpteenth time: "Aren't they supposed to be there?" Because lymph nodes ARE supposed to be there. They are an integral part of our bodies. Even if they aren't "supposed" to be palpable, like you said--you've had issues with tonsillitis. I had to get my tonsils out as a kid because I got bad strep throat every year. Our lymph nodes have served us well in those regards. We should treat them kindly.

Maybe we can both try to think of our nodes in a more positive light: If one or two (edit: or 5-6 that your doctor has ok'd, like yours!) have decided to stick around as pea-sized bumps, it means that at one point they were successful in fighting off some illness we experienced. Let's try to think of them as reminders of our bodies' success at keeping us healthy, and not some harbinger of doom.

At least, that's what I will try to think of in the future.

Obviously, if there is a change in the nodes, we might want to get our nodey friends checked out by our doctors, but until then... no more panic, no more minute-by-minute inspection of our necks. As with most sufferers of anxiety, we are probably causing our bodies more harm than good, and our bodies deserve better. :)

[Fishmanpa]

How do you reinforce the rationality and quell the anxiety?

As a Stage IVa Head and Neck cancer survivor, my views on nodes is pretty well known here.

Professional real life help with your anxiety is the key to reinforcing the rational. We could type till we're blue in the fingers but you still have to act on it and help yourself.

Positive thoughts

[Jack0567]

Hey, Jack --

This is my first time posting to the website. Your message reminded me of myself (not least of all because your username has "Jack" in it), my paranoia concerning some palpable lymph nodes, and a genuine desire to move on from this constant state of worry.

I don't know exactly how to move on from it, but I've been trying to conceptualize it like any other "problem" I've had with my body before, which have almost always stemmed from issues of control. I view my body as a site of control--the battleground where many of my battles with anxiety are fought. With previous issues I've had such as self-harm and disordered eating (I am not looking for any pity for these things--they are just facts of my past), I one day got fed up with the mindset that I had trapped myself in. I decided that I control myself, not my anxieties or my self-doubts. I am stronger than those things--maybe not all the time, but eventually I pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with it.

I'm still grappling with health anxiety and I probably always will, but I try to trust that if something were wrong--really wrong--then I would have symptoms and my lymph nodes would be getting bigger. I try to repeat to myself what a friend told me after I mentioned them to her for the umpteenth time: "Aren't they supposed to be there?" Because lymph nodes ARE supposed to be there. They are an integral part of our bodies. Even if they aren't "supposed" to be palpable, like you said--you've had issues with tonsillitis. I had to get my tonsils out as a kid because I got bad strep throat every year. Our lymph nodes have served us well in those regards. We should treat them kindly.

Maybe we can both try to think of our nodes in a more positive light: If one or two (edit: or 5-6 that your doctor has ok'd, like yours!) have decided to stick around as pea-sized bumps, it means that at one point they were successful in fighting off some illness we experienced. Let's try to think of them as reminders of our bodies' success at keeping us healthy, and not some harbinger of doom.

At least, that's what I will try to think of in the future.

Obviously, if there is a change in the nodes, we might want to get our nodey friends checked out by our doctors, but until then... no more panic, no more minute-by-minute inspection of our necks. As with most sufferers of anxiety, we are probably causing our bodies more harm than good, and our bodies deserve better. :)

Cheers for replying to me and joining the conversation on these forums Jack! I appreciate it.

I like your mindset. Praise be to those lymph nodes eh? It's true, they aren't foreign invaders, they are part of our make up. Maybe the mental approach of 'tumourising' them all is particularly unhealthy.

I should say, I recounted after posting and should correct that to maybe 4 down the left side. As you know, the anxious side exaggerates... 1cm becomes 2cm... 3 nodes become 5...

I'm fed up with the mindset too. The mindset is obviously perpetuated by the behaviour, so I'm going to try and avoid 'palpating' for the next 24 hours and see how it effects me. I'll update here!

All the best to you and thanks for your reply!

[BringBackJack43]

Oh, I know how the mind works its magic.

I agree with the other poster about managing the real problem, which is our health anxiety. In addition to seeing a psychiatrist, I tell myself that health anxiety is the illness that I need to battle--not the ones it creates in response to fairly harmless symptoms. It's amazing how similar health anxiety is to a cancer (metaphorically, of course -- meaning no disrespect to anyone who has or is dealing with actual cancer): the invasive thoughts burrow and grow, edging out the healthy ones until we can barely function.

We do have an illness--it's just not related to a pea-sized lymph nodes in our necks. Let's not let one illness convince us of another one. Let's not fight two battles when most of us HA-sufferers are privileged to only have to fight phantoms in our minds.

Until we can manage our minds, here's a practical tip that sometimes helps: when I am feeling particularly antsy and obsessively touching my neck (just one more time... just to see... just once more), I put a big scarf on. Having a physical barrier really helps me to resist the urge.

[Jack0567]

As a Stage IVa Head and Neck cancer survivor, my views on nodes is pretty well known here.

Professional real life help with your anxiety is the key to reinforcing the rational. We could type till we're blue in the fingers but you still have to act on it and help yourself.

Positive thoughts

Since posting this, I've looked at a few of your node-related posts. I never knew it was such a prevelant issue of choice for health anxiety sufferers. Even in that sense, some of it was bewildering. Thelegend27 seemed to be a real cause of frustration for you and other regulars.

Personally, I've only touched once in 24 hours. Tomorrow I'll go for zero. Feels great.