anxious848
22-10-17, 16:55
Hi Everyone,
Some of you may recognize me from previous posts about a swollen lymph node in my groin that I've had since April. Others may remember me from my fear of colon cancer in 2016. Some may have no clue who I am.
In March 2015 I lost my grandfather in a terrible way. He had something called ventricular fibrillation and went into cardiac arrest. The paramedics revived him despite having a DNR card in his wallet - he was clinically "dead" for 20 minutes. We always expected the worst with my grandfather since only 25% of his heart actually functioned after 2 heart attacks in his 60s. He was put into a medically induced coma and had actually flatlined 2x prior to me arriving. My grandfather was like a second father to me, and I was a wreck. I drove to the hospital evertdat which was an hour 1 from my home. I took my laptop with me and worked while there and brought my grandmother so she could be with him. I was there when he woke up from the coma and the first thing he asked for was coffee. I was the first to feel him squeeze my hand when he started to slowly wake up. I cleaned his face, brushed his hair and helped him with his meals. I was there when he screamed in pain and begged me to get him more morphine when the nurse said he'd had enough. I watched my grandfather go from a coma to getting out of bed at 87. The hospital told us he could go home and we made plans to get him to rehab. The morning we were supposed to pick him up we were told he had sepsis and passed that same day.
In November 2015, May 2016 and April 2017 I had my miscarriages. These are still difficult for me to write about.
These events drastically changed my life. I'd always had anxiety, but never been a hypochondriac.
But, in April 2015 I found out I had hpylori. Had a gastroscopy that was clean other than the hpylori. In March 2016 I experienced ectopic beats and thought I had heart problems so then came the holter monitor, ECG plus a number of other tests. Then I had irrational fears of bladder cancer, ovarian cancer or cervical cancer. In June 2016 I found a small lump in my breast which turned out to be just a fibroadenoma, confirmed by ultrasound (over a years surveillance). In November 2016 I had a colonoscopy due to some bowel issues thinking it was colon cancer.
My son was born in January 2017. He was our miracle baby that we were so so lucky to adopt. Life was good again. But then 3 weeks later my beautiful 6 year old golden retriever passed from cancer.
To give you a sense without this post getting too much longer, our dog was my child. I could not have one so he was mine. I loved that dog more than anything and he was my rock when I had panic attacks. I love dogs but this one was so special. I never thought that he would pass at 6 years of age and when my son was only 3 weeks old. I was so incredibly happy with the birth of my son. I finally could really smile again - I had my wonder dog, my baby and a fantastic husband. Life was good again. But one evening my seemingly healthy pup started to cough. His stomach was bloated and he just wanted to be outside, away from everything and everybody. My father picked me up and we took him to emerg while my husband watched my son. He thought I was overreacting because he's very aware of my health anxiety.
I took our pup to the hospital at 10pm and said goodbye to him at midnight. He had something called hemangiosarcoma which was incurable and really, one of the worst canine cancers that exist. There were no symptoms until the day of his passing. I felt numb and utterly heartbroken.
After my recent experience with my groin lymph node being swollen and clean bloodwork and ultrasound pointing into the direction of benign...I had a bit of a revelation.
I had always tried to do everything I could to ensure my dog had the best life. I needed to do that for him. That included avoiding anything that I thought may cause cancer. He had surgery on his leg earlier that year and I postponed it for 2 months because I heard there was a correlation between the surgery and bone cancer - even though it was ever so slight.
I guess my point is that even though I tried everything to prevent my dog from getting this terrible disease, he still passed from it and at such an early age. I think for me I've just started thinking about what the point is of being scared of everything, especially getting sick. And that we only have so much time on this earth - whatever that time is - should be enjoyed instead of it being wasted on something that is just beyond our control. Even up to the day my boy passed, he was loving life and showed no signs that this disease was taking his life. I'd like to live my life that way. This is by no means a cure for me, but perhaps a revelation that life is truly just to short to sit and worry. All the things that I could do...all the time I could take back worrying...
Anyway...that's my very long story. Thank you to anyone who actually makes it through my incredibly long post. It may not be a crazy revelation by any means...but it's kind of woken me up a bit. That dog did more for me than he'll ever know.
Some of you may recognize me from previous posts about a swollen lymph node in my groin that I've had since April. Others may remember me from my fear of colon cancer in 2016. Some may have no clue who I am.
In March 2015 I lost my grandfather in a terrible way. He had something called ventricular fibrillation and went into cardiac arrest. The paramedics revived him despite having a DNR card in his wallet - he was clinically "dead" for 20 minutes. We always expected the worst with my grandfather since only 25% of his heart actually functioned after 2 heart attacks in his 60s. He was put into a medically induced coma and had actually flatlined 2x prior to me arriving. My grandfather was like a second father to me, and I was a wreck. I drove to the hospital evertdat which was an hour 1 from my home. I took my laptop with me and worked while there and brought my grandmother so she could be with him. I was there when he woke up from the coma and the first thing he asked for was coffee. I was the first to feel him squeeze my hand when he started to slowly wake up. I cleaned his face, brushed his hair and helped him with his meals. I was there when he screamed in pain and begged me to get him more morphine when the nurse said he'd had enough. I watched my grandfather go from a coma to getting out of bed at 87. The hospital told us he could go home and we made plans to get him to rehab. The morning we were supposed to pick him up we were told he had sepsis and passed that same day.
In November 2015, May 2016 and April 2017 I had my miscarriages. These are still difficult for me to write about.
These events drastically changed my life. I'd always had anxiety, but never been a hypochondriac.
But, in April 2015 I found out I had hpylori. Had a gastroscopy that was clean other than the hpylori. In March 2016 I experienced ectopic beats and thought I had heart problems so then came the holter monitor, ECG plus a number of other tests. Then I had irrational fears of bladder cancer, ovarian cancer or cervical cancer. In June 2016 I found a small lump in my breast which turned out to be just a fibroadenoma, confirmed by ultrasound (over a years surveillance). In November 2016 I had a colonoscopy due to some bowel issues thinking it was colon cancer.
My son was born in January 2017. He was our miracle baby that we were so so lucky to adopt. Life was good again. But then 3 weeks later my beautiful 6 year old golden retriever passed from cancer.
To give you a sense without this post getting too much longer, our dog was my child. I could not have one so he was mine. I loved that dog more than anything and he was my rock when I had panic attacks. I love dogs but this one was so special. I never thought that he would pass at 6 years of age and when my son was only 3 weeks old. I was so incredibly happy with the birth of my son. I finally could really smile again - I had my wonder dog, my baby and a fantastic husband. Life was good again. But one evening my seemingly healthy pup started to cough. His stomach was bloated and he just wanted to be outside, away from everything and everybody. My father picked me up and we took him to emerg while my husband watched my son. He thought I was overreacting because he's very aware of my health anxiety.
I took our pup to the hospital at 10pm and said goodbye to him at midnight. He had something called hemangiosarcoma which was incurable and really, one of the worst canine cancers that exist. There were no symptoms until the day of his passing. I felt numb and utterly heartbroken.
After my recent experience with my groin lymph node being swollen and clean bloodwork and ultrasound pointing into the direction of benign...I had a bit of a revelation.
I had always tried to do everything I could to ensure my dog had the best life. I needed to do that for him. That included avoiding anything that I thought may cause cancer. He had surgery on his leg earlier that year and I postponed it for 2 months because I heard there was a correlation between the surgery and bone cancer - even though it was ever so slight.
I guess my point is that even though I tried everything to prevent my dog from getting this terrible disease, he still passed from it and at such an early age. I think for me I've just started thinking about what the point is of being scared of everything, especially getting sick. And that we only have so much time on this earth - whatever that time is - should be enjoyed instead of it being wasted on something that is just beyond our control. Even up to the day my boy passed, he was loving life and showed no signs that this disease was taking his life. I'd like to live my life that way. This is by no means a cure for me, but perhaps a revelation that life is truly just to short to sit and worry. All the things that I could do...all the time I could take back worrying...
Anyway...that's my very long story. Thank you to anyone who actually makes it through my incredibly long post. It may not be a crazy revelation by any means...but it's kind of woken me up a bit. That dog did more for me than he'll ever know.