Severe health anxiety and lymphoma-Hogkins fear

[Geepee]

Hello.
I am sorry to be posting another lymph node thread.I have never posted inonl this area of the forum before but have read everyone's threads. I joined recently.
I am going through a very bad bout of health anxiety. I have never felt quite as out of control as I currently do. I have made my family incredibly angry and I have a young daughter who I am letting down. I have tried 4 types of medication in 3 months after coming off my previous meds after 8 years on the advice of my GP.
I am signed off work and feel quite ashamed. Am convinced I am going to be punished for being so self absorbed and am terrified every morning about what I might find. I am having CBT but my therapist has told me she can't work with me in the state I am in.
My latest fear starts with a lymph node I found at the front of my neck. My gp has seen it twice and is not concerned. However, I have been worried it is the start of something more. Since I had it I have developed an itchy scalp and sometimes itch on my body. Again my GP is not concerned and says it is anxiety.
Yesterday I was checking my original lymph node and also felt the back of my neck. I felt a little area and after prodding for a couple of hours calmed down and realised all was fine. However I then put a heat pack on my neck as I thought it would relax ththe swelle area I had been poking. It didn't and the while area swelled to the size of a grape. Overnight the swelling lessened but I am left with a lump the size of the end of my first finger a hard ridge in it and there is a red mark on it. I was seeing my GP anyway so showed him and again he was not concerned and told me to leave it alone. I said about the itching and he was not worried and said I am very anxious and is referring me to Mental Health.
I am so worried about what is going on and I am finding it hard to let things go. Have I made something bad happen to my neck with my actions.
My gp won't do any testing as he says I don't need any. My husband agrees that I need to break this cycle of reassurance with further tests.
Please could someone talk sense into me. I can't seem to get a hold of this fear and I am worried I am losing my mind. I am sorry for the length of this post. I feel quite desperate and i think my mind is broken. I am sorry about posting - am even scared of doing this as this could be the one where I am actually ill. Thank you if you have read this and sorry. I have exhausted all my family.

[Annaboodle]

Hello, I really feel for you with what you're going through. It's tough if you get to a stage of being signed off work. I felt that I obviously needed the time away from work and its stresses, but at the same time being at home with too much thinking time can be really bad for your health anxiety. You're also having to play the waiting game until your mental health referral comes through. Did they give you any idea how long?

All I can think to suggest really is trying to find positive ways to absorb your time such as gentle exercise like walking and yoga, actively working on your diet to make it as healthy as possible and give your body the resources you need. Try and stick to a fairly structured routine of when you get up, meals, bed times even if you don't sleep well. If there's any sort of hobby or activity you've ever enjoyed or thought about doing then now would be a good time to revisit it. I know these things might sound simplistic, but I know that when I left work I wasn't doing any of them.

I understand the guilt feelings you're describing, but though you might (wrongly) feel that you deserve to be punished, the World is not out to get people suffering from mental illness. Yes anxiety makes a person self-absorbed, but this isn't your fault. You're trying to get help through your referral and have been with your CBT. I'm sorry that didn't work out - it is frustrating as finding the right CBT person might involve seeing a number of different therapists, but the non-private system doesn't give us that option.

[Geepee]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reply.
You are right and I will try and do as you suggest. I need to do more of the constructive things you suggest and less internet searching which is feeding my fears and has really led to all of this. I didnt even know about the things I am obsessively checking before I began internet searching, I will take a break from it entirely I think until I can behave more sensibly. I am really grateful for your taking the time to reply to me and helping me with a way forward. I am unsure how long the referral will take but is really helpful to have your message to think on in the interim. Thank you and I hope you have a lovely rest of the day.

[darkside4k]

When I thought I had lymphoma I developed all sorts of "symptoms"... itchiness, sweaty at night... they were mostly just generated by my own anxiety of having lymphoma. That was years ago.

[Geepee]

Thank you. I really appreciate your reply. It is helpful to know I am not alone in this. I hope your fears are over now. Thank you.

[Jack0567]

I've been dealing with the lymph node anxiety and am feeling great. Everyone's got them, and boy do we love to dig and obsess over them.

Force yourself to go 24 hours without feeling or googling. Don't even come on here. Afterwards, you'll start to see the importance of CBT.

[Geepee]

Thank you. You are right. I have stopped googling after the earlier advice - it's hard going though! I will give this website a break now too, so am not ignoring anyone just think it is a good idea for now, until I feel calmer as I think you are right. Have so far not poked about all day - am hypergilant at the moment so any sensation or body part isn't considered logically. Thank you and will sign off for a bit now. I am grateful for your advice. Will be working on the CBT. Thank you. Time for me to focus on my little one and hopefully my body can then heal, i habe stressed it out, and calm down too. Wishing you the best.

[AnxiousYankee]

I'm right there with you Geepee on this lymph node roller coaster. It is exhausting, HA in general seams to be a whole breed of misery on its own. I have purposefully resolved that when I feel the urge to google lymph node/lymphoma stuff I will instead look up anxiety related things, primarily ways to combat it.

Since I've stopped searching my panic attacks have decreased significantly and my meds seem to be helping more too.

[Selly10931]

I have been dealing with my "health anxiety" after I graduated from High school from what I remember. I thought I had everything in the book. At one time I felt as if I had this one lymph node on the left side of my neck. It never got bigger unless I messed with it, but then I asked my mom if I should get it checked out and she said yes! This was like a year ago or so. Anyways I went to the doctor and he just said it looks like a lymph node and if it gets bigger to come back. I mean what doctor doesn't say that. So, I still was worried , but was like okay let me just keep an eye on it. So, bounce to today. Last week I saw a video about it and it scared me and made me worry again. I mean it's been a year, it's the same size and no other ones, but that only one. And I kept touching it again which made it alittle bigger. It's like the size of a pea or bean. What I wanted to say to you is just educate yourself. That's what helps me. Learn what you need to look out for. So, try not to touch it as much for the next few weeks and see if it goes down or not. If it's does, that's a great sign. Mine never completely vanished. In worst situations you would get real bad symptoms and it was grow in size. If it's not growing that's a good sign. Just educate your self on what you're worried about. I like to research a lot of my worries, so Ik when to be more concerned and yes this coming from a hypochondriac. I'm no doctor, but when you educate yourself on it, you'll know when you should worry. It's hard, trust me I get it. Just keep an eye on it ;)

[bubx]

I’ve had the lymphoma fear before, triggered also by my lymph nodes. While I’m still sort of aware of it but I’ve ironically forgotten about it due to a different and much more serious illness. If you’ve had it for a while and nothing has changed, I wouldn’t worry . Easier said than done though