myname
25-10-17, 08:40
Hello everybody, first of all I was reading this topics some months ago and I thought I could beat this situation but I feel so down, I was crying so much, before of this 5 years I NEVER NEVER have this thoughts and is one of the things that's killing me, my identity.
My first thoughts was about harming and was awfull, I was diagnosed with a principle of OCD, later of these years is turning in awful sexual thoughts (aghhh I'm so embarrassed) really awful, specifically the last two years, in this time I had to deal with various losses in my family: different people but a lot of significance in my life, before of this I've never had to deal with death so it was something really hard to me specially the last one in this year, I was having compulsions to avoid awful thoughts so I read that I should stop compulsions for making progress and at the beginning it was fine and I started to feel less anxious but was only like two weeks when OCD started to make feel like I don't do more compulsions because probably I was agree or liked the thoughts (that was hard to write, all these months I tried no to do this, but I feel desperate) and since then that I feel the most worst bad person of this world, is now turning most against to me, I became so sensible to news and post in web that I have to confirm if i'm no seen something ilegal or a bad new, for example I saw in the theather of my city showed a movie a drama and a horror story, the poster looks like some teens and I feel uncomfortable so I decided confirm in the link of youtube it was that, the trailer was normal and I breathed again but in the related videos showed some previous about a movie and look like a teen with and older men: and in this situation I started to panic "should I see for not make a compulsion to avoid like before I did with everything, but if I see maybe I was going to repulse me or maybe I want to see this??!!!, oh my..." and that's a never ending rumination, I'm just put the name of the movie in browser and I found critics about the movie so decided to read then...now I see it was an compulsion to look the opinions of others, Idk, maybe I was expected that the topic of the movie (is a copy of Lolita but mexican) was with a adult people acting but what is scare me so much was the main character is a girl of 13 years old!!!!!!! and a men in his 40's, real age!!!!! and in the trailer she acts.... she acts as an adult sometimes and that is something scared me so much, I have to say that this is a movie showed in any theater of many countries as a normal movie, I don't know but this situation is one of that makes me more sad and scared in this months that if someone acting of that age or less in a way adult how I react, that's killing me, I'm very sad, I cry many times, I don't sleep, I have almost daily migraines, the other day, the day that I watched the trailer, I started to overanalyzing, feeling confused, nauseous and really depressed, the worst was later, after hours that I fall in a spiral of overthinking and feeling a bad person, I couldn't eat, I panic if this situations are now normalizing and if everyone started to agree, I feel terrible to think that, it was 5 am, I didnt't sleep,I hit my self so hard that my hands started to ached me, I felt like the worst person and thinking in ending my life and at the same time to find help.
I'm sorry if this is too long, before of all this years I was a secure person, where sexuality is adult and healthy, never in intention to hurt anyone, before I was sexy, have a normal sexual life, sometimes I used clothes with showed my neckline and my curves but now I'm so scare that I hide my body because I think this "provoque" my family, aghhh I feel disgusted writing this, one of the things that killing me is that I lost this years of my little brother because of this shit, my brother told me the other day that I don't hug as I did before, I burst into tears, he's sweet and the most tender kid in the world, I don't want to do nothing to him, and that makes me feel like crap because this thoughts said other thing.
I feel also groinal responses and in this months I feel so confused that I don't know is anxious or what, before OCD I was someone with high libido, so my feelings are so confused, my sex life is now ruined, I don't have one, is something that breaks me, my identity, my values, I'm a good person, I can't concentrate now in anything, why is this happened to me? I have health problems due to the high stress.
I feel so confused, my perspective is now discouraging, I'm unemployment for almost a year (I can't go to therapy), I feel disillusioned because I graduated with a high intellect but I don' find a job and I feel that OCD was "smart" to find something that looking so bad that I feel i don't deserve anything, is like feeling like an outsider, and if I trying to avoid scenarios or news is bad but if I try to confront and reading about it is bad too and is because I "wanted", is like OCD never lost, also if I read symptoms of monsters OCD tricks me into oh you don't have but you could have, is awful really, is some one has and advice I would really appreciated, I have an analogy about my self as someone who was kidnapped and was bullied of these years, and now I feel so scared and traumatized that I don't know how to escape.
My first thoughts was about harming and was awfull, I was diagnosed with a principle of OCD, later of these years is turning in awful sexual thoughts (aghhh I'm so embarrassed) really awful, specifically the last two years, in this time I had to deal with various losses in my family: different people but a lot of significance in my life, before of this I've never had to deal with death so it was something really hard to me specially the last one in this year, I was having compulsions to avoid awful thoughts so I read that I should stop compulsions for making progress and at the beginning it was fine and I started to feel less anxious but was only like two weeks when OCD started to make feel like I don't do more compulsions because probably I was agree or liked the thoughts (that was hard to write, all these months I tried no to do this, but I feel desperate) and since then that I feel the most worst bad person of this world, is now turning most against to me, I became so sensible to news and post in web that I have to confirm if i'm no seen something ilegal or a bad new, for example I saw in the theather of my city showed a movie a drama and a horror story, the poster looks like some teens and I feel uncomfortable so I decided confirm in the link of youtube it was that, the trailer was normal and I breathed again but in the related videos showed some previous about a movie and look like a teen with and older men: and in this situation I started to panic "should I see for not make a compulsion to avoid like before I did with everything, but if I see maybe I was going to repulse me or maybe I want to see this??!!!, oh my..." and that's a never ending rumination, I'm just put the name of the movie in browser and I found critics about the movie so decided to read then...now I see it was an compulsion to look the opinions of others, Idk, maybe I was expected that the topic of the movie (is a copy of Lolita but mexican) was with a adult people acting but what is scare me so much was the main character is a girl of 13 years old!!!!!!! and a men in his 40's, real age!!!!! and in the trailer she acts.... she acts as an adult sometimes and that is something scared me so much, I have to say that this is a movie showed in any theater of many countries as a normal movie, I don't know but this situation is one of that makes me more sad and scared in this months that if someone acting of that age or less in a way adult how I react, that's killing me, I'm very sad, I cry many times, I don't sleep, I have almost daily migraines, the other day, the day that I watched the trailer, I started to overanalyzing, feeling confused, nauseous and really depressed, the worst was later, after hours that I fall in a spiral of overthinking and feeling a bad person, I couldn't eat, I panic if this situations are now normalizing and if everyone started to agree, I feel terrible to think that, it was 5 am, I didnt't sleep,I hit my self so hard that my hands started to ached me, I felt like the worst person and thinking in ending my life and at the same time to find help.
I'm sorry if this is too long, before of all this years I was a secure person, where sexuality is adult and healthy, never in intention to hurt anyone, before I was sexy, have a normal sexual life, sometimes I used clothes with showed my neckline and my curves but now I'm so scare that I hide my body because I think this "provoque" my family, aghhh I feel disgusted writing this, one of the things that killing me is that I lost this years of my little brother because of this shit, my brother told me the other day that I don't hug as I did before, I burst into tears, he's sweet and the most tender kid in the world, I don't want to do nothing to him, and that makes me feel like crap because this thoughts said other thing.
I feel also groinal responses and in this months I feel so confused that I don't know is anxious or what, before OCD I was someone with high libido, so my feelings are so confused, my sex life is now ruined, I don't have one, is something that breaks me, my identity, my values, I'm a good person, I can't concentrate now in anything, why is this happened to me? I have health problems due to the high stress.
I feel so confused, my perspective is now discouraging, I'm unemployment for almost a year (I can't go to therapy), I feel disillusioned because I graduated with a high intellect but I don' find a job and I feel that OCD was "smart" to find something that looking so bad that I feel i don't deserve anything, is like feeling like an outsider, and if I trying to avoid scenarios or news is bad but if I try to confront and reading about it is bad too and is because I "wanted", is like OCD never lost, also if I read symptoms of monsters OCD tricks me into oh you don't have but you could have, is awful really, is some one has and advice I would really appreciated, I have an analogy about my self as someone who was kidnapped and was bullied of these years, and now I feel so scared and traumatized that I don't know how to escape.