View Full Version : Waht is it that you're scared of exactly?
Thelegend27
26-10-17, 09:08
I find myself asking this question at times, because when you take a step back and look at your situation let's say from someone elses perspective, do you honestly find your situation that worrisome? take me for example, ive been here for nearly a year now going on and on about lymph nodes, and everyone knows they have been driving me mad, but yet when i read other peoples post about their lymph nodes i seem to be able to think more rationally regarding their situation, i just can't seem to apply the same rational thinking to my situation. so that brings up the question, what is it that we are actually afraid of. So you've seen a doctor or even a few, and none of them showed any concern, but yet you continue to worry day and night, you start thinking what if they ran this test would they have found something, or maybe the doctor just wasn't doing his job like he's suppose to and over looked something on my tests, the reasons for provoking anxiety is endless, and what it boils down to is what we are hearing vs what we are expecting to hear are totally different and we can't seem to accept this. your afraid of cancer, and you get all the tests done to safely say you do not have cancer, but you spent so much time worrying that you have cancer that you actually convinced yourself that you must have cancer, and so no matter what the doc tells you your mind has already been made up. it's the fear of not knowing, it's the fear of what if, it's your anxiety feeding your brain negative thoughts. this applies to me to the fullest, i am just as guilty as you for letting my anxiety affect my way of thinking, my way of life, and i still haven't found the magic cure if there even is one. i just want to say, i am taking a break, i am going to try to clear my mind, refresh myself, observe my situation as someone else would see me, and really ask myself do you honestly believe after all this time that you are truly sick or dying, we have to give ourselves time to heal mentally, and staying online, or being stuck in bed or just living under a rock won't get us anywhere, so you must step away from everything for a while and give yourself the time you truly need to heal. good luck everyone.
WiredIncorrectly
26-10-17, 11:59
What am I scared of? Dying in pain. That's my only fear. I don't care about death in itself.
You just explained health anxiety perfectly. I do the same thing, I fear the doctors/tests missed something or whatever. But yet I can look at someone elses situation and see it rationally and tell them its going be ok and they shouldn't be worried, trust their doctors etc. But yet with myself that flies out the window. I have been working on that though. I went and saw my gynecologist recently about something I felt in my breast. She did a manual exam and told me it was just normal tissue. I walked out of there and of course immediately started with the "did she feel the right area?" bit. I had to really rationalize with myself. She's been doing this for years, she's the doctor, I am not etc. Its now been about a month and I have almost let it go, not completely but I'm working on it. Its a process, that is for sure.
What am I afraid of? Mostly, I am terrified of having some sort of cancer or disease that will affect my life greatly and possibly kill me. I cannot imagine going through chemo and surgery at 23 and possibly dying so young. I have so much to live for and so much that I want to do in my life... marry my girlfriend, have children, grow old and live near the beach. The problem that I have is that I have so much to live for, yet I am stopping myself from living because of my HA. I'm in counseling right now and have a referral to go to a psychiatrist soon.
I think you described HA perfectly. We all worry so much about ourselves and diseases that we will convince ourselves that we have something. No matter what testing they do or what the doctor says, we still have that belief in the back of my mind. For me, I am worried about colon cancer. Literally no symptoms other than some bloating/pain in my lower left abdomen. I've been to two different doctors where I have had a cbc, urine test, and felt the area where they say they think it is fine. Still... I feel that something is wrong.
WiredIncorrectly
26-10-17, 16:06
What am I afraid of? Mostly, I am terrified of having some sort of cancer or disease that will affect my life greatly and possibly kill me. I cannot imagine going through chemo and surgery at 23 and possibly dying so young. I have so much to live for and so much that I want to do in my life... marry my girlfriend, have children, grow old and live near the beach. The problem that I have is that I have so much to live for, yet I am stopping myself from living because of my HA. I'm in counseling right now and have a referral to go to a psychiatrist soon.
I think you described HA perfectly. We all worry so much about ourselves and diseases that we will convince ourselves that we have something. No matter what testing they do or what the doctor says, we still have that belief in the back of my mind. For me, I am worried about colon cancer. Literally no symptoms other than some bloating/pain in my lower left abdomen. I've been to two different doctors where I have had a cbc, urine test, and felt the area where they say they think it is fine. Still... I feel that something is wrong.
My Dad always said if Cancer is going to happen there is nothing you can do about it. He knew Cancer would get him eventually. It got his Dad. He died in January from Cancer with that same fighting talk.
Now I'm in his shoes. I've had Cancer at 28. And both my Dad and Granddad died around the same age from the same Cancer.
I have real cause for concern and worry. But, I don't let it bother me. I know I'll die from Cancer one day. That's a given unless they can come up with a cure before then.
No point in worrying about it until it happens. Truth.
My Dad always said if Cancer is going to happen there is nothing you can do about it. He knew Cancer would get him eventually. It got his Dad. He died in January from Cancer with that same fighting talk.
Now I'm in his shoes. I've had Cancer at 28. And both my Dad and Granddad died around the same age from the same Cancer.
I have real cause for concern and worry. But, I don't let it bother me. I know I'll die from Cancer one day. That's a given unless they can come up with a cure before then.
No point in worrying about it until it happens. Truth.
Really sorry for all you've been through. One big issue when I read something like this is that I feel like I am taking advantage of being fairly healthy. It makes me feel horrible that other people are struggling with real diseases, while I am sitting here making stuff up.
I guess a good thing for me personally is that I don't have any sort of cancer in my family history. Mostly everyone has passed away from environmental factors affecting their body (smoking, diet, lack of exercise).
Elliejane44
26-10-17, 18:07
Hi
Great post . I also think it becomes a habit worrying about symptoms so you just worry automatically but don't really know why . I had a period over summer when had no funny symptoms at all but I worried so much that I would worry when I got the next one that it was almost worse . It hard to describe I guess it was anxious over when I would next get anxious !!
Ellie
Terminal illness. Cancer or something else that I know will likely kill me, now or in the future.
I'd rather just not wake up one day!
Of course I'd say that, but I've read lots of stories of people with cancer that said the protracted illness and knowing they were terminal actually made their time left really meaningful in a way you don't get when you die suddenly.
Maybe I just hate waiting and want to just get it over with. :P
Yes, from an objective point of view it is worth asking. I fear dying...and leaving my family members (especially my 2 year old daughter). At some point, HA seems almost narcissistic...that my family will be sad i'm gone (we have a tight knit family). But then I look at it that I will miss them dearly if i died and end up somewhere in hell.
I'm slowly digging myself out of a deep rabbit hole...with a small dose of zoloft...so far it's been working...hopefully i was able to catch myself before I fall any further.
jessygirl77
27-10-17, 01:09
That my symptoms will be from some sort of disease or disorder that will make me so uncomfortable the I will go crazy or super depressed from it. Depression use to be my #1 phobia , I could t even see the word with out having a panic attack !
My fear centers on: traumatizing my kids and leaving my husband overwhelmed, having to get up every day knowing that I am sort of in the world and out of it, and a very painful, slow, protracted death and all of the horrible things that happen with cancer.
MyNameIsTerry
27-10-17, 02:02
Women :sofa:...but I love them at the same time :biggrin:
I have no HA in my anxiety. Originally it was just abotu hating the symptoms & losing control. Later on it also became about change, and got to the point of any chance being something that makes symptoms worse therefore it must be resisted.
Probably pretty typical of GAD really. The OCD added later just made it a much more intense experience.
ServerError
27-10-17, 02:11
I don't fear death. I never actually feared the state of being dead. That doesn't really bother me. What I fear is suffering. We don't deserve to suffer, yet we're all condemned to do at some point. It's horribly unjust and unfair and I haven't made peace with it.
Thelegend27
27-10-17, 06:29
I can relate to alot of you, the anxiety is overwhelming at times, and this is what affects our way of thinking and it prevents us from eing rational. and i agree with the fact that seeing others actually suffering from cancer etc makes me feel bad about myself, especially when i found out my cousin (By marriage) was diagnosed with glioblastoma a few days ago, i can't begin to imagine how she feels. but yet i sit here and convince myself that i have cancer while shes actually fighting stage 4 brain cancer and glioblastoma is a very agressive and rapidly growing cancer so it really makes me feel terrible about myself.
MyNameIsTerry
27-10-17, 07:19
I can relate to alot of you, the anxiety is overwhelming at times, and this is what affects our way of thinking and it prevents us from eing rational. and i agree with the fact that seeing others actually suffering from cancer etc makes me feel bad about myself, especially when i found out my cousin (By marriage) was diagnosed with glioblastoma a few days ago, i can't begin to imagine how she feels. but yet i sit here and convince myself that i have cancer while shes actually fighting stage 4 brain cancer and glioblastoma is a very agressive and rapidly growing cancer so it really makes me feel terrible about myself.
We can say the same about anyone suffering. Whether it's a famine appeal ad, a medical programme, etc. There's always someone worse off.
But we need to get past the stigma of mental health too. It's illness. And whilst it's classed as mental a lot of it is actually chemical, inflammatory, etc so how much different is it to physical illness?
I found it best to separate this from my feelings of compassion to those suffering because it's similiar in how it is about negative thinking patterns as how we compare ourselves when in the street - you see the happy couple and think why can't I be happy like that and not struggling every minute of the day just to get through and do it all again. It used to hammer my mood.
Apply acceptance of your current life, the lives of others and let it go. You can have compassion for others without turning it on yourself in the process.
I can relate to alot of you, the anxiety is overwhelming at times, and this is what affects our way of thinking and it prevents us from eing rational. and i agree with the fact that seeing others actually suffering from cancer etc makes me feel bad about myself, especially when i found out my cousin (By marriage) was diagnosed with glioblastoma a few days ago, i can't begin to imagine how she feels. but yet i sit here and convince myself that i have cancer while shes actually fighting stage 4 brain cancer and glioblastoma is a very agressive and rapidly growing cancer so it really makes me feel terrible about myself.
Sorry to hear about your cousin. You shouldn't feel terrible about yourself because you have anxiety that makes you sit and convince yourself I doubt you want to be like this and it's such a shame so many people are and another reason you shouldn't feel terrible is because even though you have anxiety yourself, I've noticed you sit and help others which is a really good thing to do. I hope you're getting some help for your anxiety as it can be really crippling and it's took up nearly a year of your life? I believe from your previous post I hope you feel better with anxiety soon.
Thelegend27
28-10-17, 02:04
actually ive had ha for about 7 years :(
actually ive had ha for about 7 years :(
Oh sorry, I was just going by your lymph node posts - are you getting any help with it?
Capercrohnj
28-10-17, 03:20
Some things are worse than death. That is what I fear
Some things are worse than death. That is what I fear
That sounds interesting, can you expand?
MyNameIsTerry
28-10-17, 04:47
Christmas shopping? :biggrin:
My counsellor reckons I’m traumatised from when my grandfather died of stomach cancer. He put off getting an endoscopy (even after his GP strongly recommend it) and ultimately by the time he did find out, it was too late. My GP also thinks it’s likely I have underlying OCD which explains why I’m so obsessive.
Capercrohnj
28-10-17, 13:54
That sounds interesting, can you expand?
I have been to hell and back, very very ill to the point of losing my colon and rectum and having a permanent ileostomy from Crohn's so I have a different perspective. I would never want to live my life in and out hospitals or hooked up to machines. Someone I know refused to have surgery for crohn's until he had no choice. Massive perforation almost died. He lost his colon and rectum plus 15 out of 20 feet of small intestine which is the maximum you can lose. He is alive but very weak. They had to leave his abdomen open. Because he lost so much he will have huge issues with malabsorption and probably be on TPN and very regularly hospitalized for the rest of his life. His ileostomy output will be pure liquid and high volume so he will be constantly dehydrated and dependent on iv electrolytes. I'm constantly dehydrated and I have almost 100% of my small intestine. He also has a fistula (basically a hole)from his intestine to his abdomen that lots of stuff comes out. I had my surgery because of multiple fistulas (rectum to perianal/lady bits) after 2 years of hell and getting more of them is my worst nightmare. I would not want to live like that. I went 2 years almost totally housebound and it made my mental health way worse and I'm so happy that I'm finally able to live fully.
Duchesskitty
28-10-17, 15:41
Dying. Simple as that. I get freaked out that I have something so serious that it will kill me, so I suppose mine is really thanatophobia under it all. That and suffering horribly.
I get very obsessed about things, and check and check and check. I admit that I probably warp things subconsciously In my mind to match the thing I’m afraid of (so a health concern). I get the idea I may have something in my head from the most tenuous of evidence, then work backwards to that.
It’s a hard habit to break.
MyNameIsTerry
28-10-17, 15:53
I have been to hell and back, very very ill to the point of losing my colon and rectum and having a permanent ileostomy from Crohn's so I have a different perspective. I would never want to live my life in and out hospitals or hooked up to machines. Someone I know refused to have surgery for crohn's until he had no choice. Massive perforation almost died. He lost his colon and rectum plus 15 out of 20 feet of small intestine which is the maximum you can lose. He is alive but very weak. They had to leave his abdomen open. Because he lost so much he will have huge issues with malabsorption and probably be on TPN and very regularly hospitalized for the rest of his life. His ileostomy output will be pure liquid and high volume so he will be constantly dehydrated and dependent on iv electrolytes. I'm constantly dehydrated and I have almost 100% of my small intestine. He also has a fistula (basically a hole)from his intestine to his abdomen that lots of stuff comes out. I had my surgery because of multiple fistulas (rectum to perianal/lady bits) after 2 years of hell and getting more of them is my worst nightmare. I would not want to live like that. I went 2 years almost totally housebound and it made my mental health way worse and I'm so happy that I'm finally able to live fully.
I bet most share fears of this but it's not the same if you haven't been close to it like you have. :hugs:
wordlessmelody
28-10-17, 16:37
What I tend to fear is massive amounts of debt from fighting whatever ailment I fear at the moment. I'm American and even with insurance, deductibles and co-payments are still a thing. So I really fear getting ill with pretty much anything that would cause a lot of doctor's trips and tests to figure out, then even more cost to treat. I fear leaving my husband in massive amounts of debt after I go more than I fear dying itself.
Thelegend27
30-10-17, 06:56
Yeah my doctor mentioned OCD when i explained how i worry non stop, and yes ive seeked help but havent found it, it seems every time i get close to seeing a goog therapist something always goes wrong, for example my doctor was suppose to set me up with a good therpist and i was told i'd get a call within a week with an appointment, that was several months ago. then i called a therapist myself and had an appointment set up but wasn't able to make it my gf had a medical emergency so i had to be with her and it set our schedules back. but i am determined to beat this so without a doubt i will be getting some help very soon.
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