O_O
29-10-17, 09:36
I know everybody is probably sick of me posting about the same thing but I feel so dreadful. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to start Citalopram but I don't think it will work. Everything feels hopeless.
I took a First Response pregnancy test for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday. Still faintly positive. I was getting positives when my blood HCG was 5 three weeks ago, and I've heard that First Response can detect down to 2, so I just hope it's lower than 5 now. I'm going to ask for another blood test. How can my HCG be dropping so slowly. Six weeks ago when the last bit of tissue came out it was 18, and it's clearly still above 2 now. I feel like I'm not going to live to get a normal HCG result or see my cycles return to normal.
I don't know what's happening with my body. I've had a small amount of bleeding today and yesterday. Quite dark, like old blood. I don't know if this is a weird sort of period (which I thought it should be from my dates), or if it's ovulation (which it should be from temperature and cervical position and firmness), or if it's just the ectropion, or if it's something else. I'm scared it could be cancer. The cancer could be producing HCG too.
I woke up in the night with just the most consuming, unbearable feeling of dread and despair. I can't put it into words. It felt so true. As if you've been told you're going to spend eternity in hell. I can't see how I can recover. Everything seems so hopeless. I've read a very few accounts of people with OCD experiencing something like this, but honestly I don't think as severely as me. I feel like I'll never escape this darkness and that all the happiness and good times in my past were never real.
I'll try the Citalopram because I have no choice. I know I should feel grateful that I have people who love me, and I'm in a position where I'm able to take time off work for this, and that my mother is so supportive. But I can't feel grateful for anything. Maybe this is a test and I'm failing.
I took a First Response pregnancy test for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday. Still faintly positive. I was getting positives when my blood HCG was 5 three weeks ago, and I've heard that First Response can detect down to 2, so I just hope it's lower than 5 now. I'm going to ask for another blood test. How can my HCG be dropping so slowly. Six weeks ago when the last bit of tissue came out it was 18, and it's clearly still above 2 now. I feel like I'm not going to live to get a normal HCG result or see my cycles return to normal.
I don't know what's happening with my body. I've had a small amount of bleeding today and yesterday. Quite dark, like old blood. I don't know if this is a weird sort of period (which I thought it should be from my dates), or if it's ovulation (which it should be from temperature and cervical position and firmness), or if it's just the ectropion, or if it's something else. I'm scared it could be cancer. The cancer could be producing HCG too.
I woke up in the night with just the most consuming, unbearable feeling of dread and despair. I can't put it into words. It felt so true. As if you've been told you're going to spend eternity in hell. I can't see how I can recover. Everything seems so hopeless. I've read a very few accounts of people with OCD experiencing something like this, but honestly I don't think as severely as me. I feel like I'll never escape this darkness and that all the happiness and good times in my past were never real.
I'll try the Citalopram because I have no choice. I know I should feel grateful that I have people who love me, and I'm in a position where I'm able to take time off work for this, and that my mother is so supportive. But I can't feel grateful for anything. Maybe this is a test and I'm failing.