Hit rock bottom over weekend.

[snowflake293]

Hi all

I am really struggling. My HA has been so bad since I had a miscarriage. Because I feared losing the baby and it came true, I am convinced everything else I fear will come true now.

On Friday I got into a weird argument at work and ended up in floods of tears and it all came out. I spoke to a senior manager and got sent home. I rang my gp as I was in a mess but in the waiting room I had a flashback to losing the baby and went to pieces. GP signed me off work but we were unable to discuss anything else I was in a state. GP wanted me to go back on meds but I refused.

As hard as it is to say this as I dont even believe it myself, I have been close to ending things.

On Saturday my husband took me to an out of hours gp who we spoke to on the phone first. He thought I should go straight to a mental health team but they insisted I see the gp first. When I saw him he wrote a letter to my gp who I am seeing today, told my husband to hide all the medication in the house and prescribed me diazepam.

The diazepam is hardly touching how awful I feel. I am shaking, crying and feeling sick. I have barely ate or slept. Seeing the gp again this afternoon and hoping they can do something.

Not only am I obsessed that I am dying (current fears are various c-word stuff as well as worrying over hormone issues) and I obsessed that something awful will happen. I can't bear thinking about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I am so afraid of either my husband or my parents having something bad happen. I feel like cause I am thinking it, it is gonna happen and I feel even by typing it I am risking it.

I am also sick to my stomach with worry over work and what people will think of me.

I dont feel at risk today, I just feel very anxious and low and I need it to stop. I can't carry on living my life in fear.

I dont know what will happen next. Has anyone been in this situation where they have become this low? I self-referred to a local counselling service but I am not seeing them 'til next week and then its just for an assessment then you go on a waiting list (last time I waited nearly a year) I just dont think I can wait that long for some help.

[TBmummy]

I have nothing really useful to say apart from that fact that I’m sorry your having such a tough time and to hear about your m/c. Good luck with the gp!

I’m not familiar with your background but when I did my cbt course my therapist did a lot of work on the way that I try and forsee everything bad that might happen and how my thoughts won’t change what is going to happen. I know that’s far easier to ‘get’ when your feeling rational though.

Sending lots of positive thoughts xxx

[snowflake293]

I have nothing really useful to say apart from that fact that I’m sorry your having such a tough time and to hear about your m/c. Good luck with the gp!

I’m not familiar with your background but when I did my cbt course my therapist did a lot of work on the way that I try and forsee everything bad that might happen and how my thoughts won’t change what is going to happen. I know that’s far easier to ‘get’ when your feeling rational though.

Sending lots of positive thoughts xxx

Thank you xxx

I was free from HA for about a year then it came back when I lost the baby. I'd had CBT and medication and it really helped.

Just exhausted from worrying constantly! Seeing my GP later on so hoping they can speed up my referral for CBT/whatever they think I need to get better.

It is just so scary feeling that desperate and I am scared of it happening again.

[pulisa]

I am so sorry that you are in such distress, snowflake. The miscarriage and its after effects have really hit you hard and I think this has brought on your current severe anxiety state and all its consequent fears and feelings of impending doom. If it's any help what you feel is very familiar to me. You are not going mad but you do need help and support and your GP visit this afternoon will be the first step towards giving you some degree of respite from how you are feeling. I wouldn't rule anything out-if meds have helped before then they could help again but I would say only in combination with counselling/therapy for what could well be a PTSD-type issue.

Please keep writing on here if it helps and good luck this afternoon. You will feel better and your fears will lessen (I know it won't feel lie this at the moment):hugs:

[Annaboodle]

You are grieving for your baby and that's a huge thing. I was in a terrible state when I had my silent miscarriage and it was a shock to me how much it affected me. Things will get better and you are doing all the right things. It's great that you are speaking to your GP and I'm glad that you are "in the system" for getting help - that's actually really brave you know.

[au Lait]

I'm sorry you're in a bad place. I can definitely relate. About 10 years ago or so, I was thinking of ending it as well. And got very close to trying. But I didn't, and I kept going. And even though my anxiety is far from "cured" I'm so, so glad that I didn't go through with ending it. I've accomplished so much and experienced so much. I met the love of my life. So many good things have happened to me since then, and I would have missed out on all of it if I'd ended things.

It sounds cheesy, but it really is true that when you've hit bottom, the only way left to go is up. Your current state is only temporary. It may not seem it, but it is. Things will get better. Remember that feelings are not reality. I struggle with the constant fear that something bad will happen to my loved ones, but just having a thought or feeling doesn't make it reality. None of us have the power to cause something to happen merely by thinking it. I understand how your miscarriage has validated your anxiety, but please remember all the countless other times that your fears didn't come true.

Don't worry about work. Your coworkers will understand, and if they don't to heck with them. You're struggling with a health issue. Anxiety is just as much a health issue as any physical illness. Anyone going through any kind of health related issue deserves to take personal time off of work. You're also grieving a loss, and your feelings are normal. Focus on you, and feeling better. What anyone else thinks about you doesn't matter right now.

You will get though this. I know it.

[snowflake293]

Thanks so much for all the lovely replies. I am so sorry so many others have suffered like this, both HA and losing and baby. Just awful.

I saw my GP who has given me some more Diazepam at a higher dose and referred me to the community mental health team. Just had someone ring me and they are either going to come and see me at home tonight or I will see someone tomorrow.

I am just totally freaking out over it all. I hate having to talk about the horrible things I have considered and I feel like I am letting my husband down.

To make things worse, when I saw my GP I mentioned my boobs leak tiny, tiny bits of milk when I squeeze them hard and I was hoping he would just dismiss it... he did say it doesn't sound concerning but has said to talk about to to the GP I am seeing on Thursday about it properly (think he was running out of time) but now I am Googling like mad convincing myself I have either breast c-word or a hormone issue. So tired of this.

When I feel like ending it, it isn't cause I don't want to live my life - it is cause I want to escape these horrible, horrible thoughts. They are consuming me and my heart breaks for my family. My parents and husband have been so wonderful and I would never, ever leave them. I just want all this to stop.

Thanks again everyone, I would be lost without this group xxx

[pulisa]

Remember that it is because you want these thoughts to go away that you are feeling this way. You are unwell and in mental pain and I'm glad that you will be seeing someone from the cmht really soon. :hugs:

[Iwant2bhealthy]

First of all, I'm very sorry that you feel this way... If it's of any consolation, you are not alone! Many (if not almost all) ha sufferers felt this way too.

And I understand where you're coming from. I also felt so worned out by my anxiety and just so terrible in general that the idea of death seemed sad but also relieving. I know how hard it is, so in all this there is one thing you can be very proud of: you reached for help!!! And help is on the way!!! I never tried diazepam but my gp gave me some other meds and a referral to a therapist. This trully saved my life, and helped me to get better. It takes time, but it does pass!


Your current state is only temporary. It may not seem it, but it is. Things will get better. Remember that feelings are not reality. (...)

You will get though this. I know it.

I should get this tattooed! Au lait you are so right!

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[snowflake293]

I am feeling terrible this morning. My stomach is churning and I feel sick. I woke up with back ache and my ribs feel sore and I am convinced there is something terrible happening with me.

I am so worried about being of work. Before I went off I had a falling out with some people and even though I have apologised to them and the boss over all of us has told me not to worry and to take all the time I need I am still replaying it over and over again and worrying about all the damage I have caused.

The CMHT are calling me today and they rang later last night to say I will have an assessment with a dr today. Really don't know what to expect and it has been along time since I had help from the CMHT, like over 10 years ago. I haven't taken a diazepam today cause I don't want to use them all up, they are precious to me as they temporarily dull everything. I slept so well, I must have had about 9 hours sleep which I really needed but now I am awake the intrusive thoughts are creeping back.

I feel safe, but I keep thinking the worst thing will happen. I couldn't even let my poor husband (who must be knackered through all this and has MH issues himself) stay in bed this morning and once I was awake I didn't want to be alone.

I am scared about the appointment today but I know I need to get the help I need to get through all this. I desperately don't want to go back on medication cause it makes me put weight on, but I have to put my wellbeing first.

Thanks everyone for being there for me, I'll say it again - I'd be lost without this group, you are all such a life line for me xxx

[pulisa]

Just wanted to say that I think it's a good thing that the CMHT have acted quickly. It's horrible when you feel so unsafe and frightened all the time without respite. I'm sure your husband will just want to help and be there for you which is what you need at the moment. Just see what this doctor says-having contact with the MH team will make you feel more safe because often people are just left to drift with awful thoughts.
The worst thing with this is the fear and agitation and all the physical symptoms of the acute anxiety state which make you feel so ghastly and unreal. Diazepam is good for bringing you down a level to make things a bit more tolerable but I understand your need to only use them sparingly. Maybe the doctor will be able to advise you further on this though. Sometimes you need to take them regularly for a limited amount of time.

Hang on in there. You have a good support network and people who love and care for you. Things will get better:hugs:

[O_O]

I am feeling terrible this morning. My stomach is churning and I feel sick. I woke up with back ache and my ribs feel sore and I am convinced there is something terrible happening with me.

I am so worried about being of work. Before I went off I had a falling out with some people and even though I have apologised to them and the boss over all of us has told me not to worry and to take all the time I need I am still replaying it over and over again and worrying about all the damage I have caused.

The CMHT are calling me today and they rang later last night to say I will have an assessment with a dr today. Really don't know what to expect and it has been along time since I had help from the CMHT, like over 10 years ago. I haven't taken a diazepam today cause I don't want to use them all up, they are precious to me as they temporarily dull everything. I slept so well, I must have had about 9 hours sleep which I really needed but now I am awake the intrusive thoughts are creeping back.

I feel safe, but I keep thinking the worst thing will happen. I couldn't even let my poor husband (who must be knackered through all this and has MH issues himself) stay in bed this morning and once I was awake I didn't want to be alone.

I am scared about the appointment today but I know I need to get the help I need to get through all this. I desperately don't want to go back on medication cause it makes me put weight on, but I have to put my wellbeing first.

Thanks everyone for being there for me, I'll say it again - I'd be lost without this group, you are all such a life line for me xxx

I hope everything goes ok today snowflake. It's funny (not haha funny...) that we're kind of going through the same thing at the moment, in some ways.

I've been off work for about two months now. Very unlike me as I never take sick leave or miss any work. But I can barely take care of myself on the most basic level, never mind work! Luckily work is very understanding. I hope your work situation resolves soon.

I am so sure that the lactation must be caused by elevated prolactin. It sounds so likely, and can be caused by many things. Recent pregnancy being one of them. Or sometimes it's idiopathic. If it doesn't resolve itself, they can give you something to bring the levels down. I had raised prolactin myself in the past. They never found the cause and it went away after a while.

I've never heard of breast cancer causing lactation, but I may be wrong.

Were you concerned recently about cervical cancer too or am I imagining that? I quite legitimately think I may have it. Just got to wait for my period to clear up so I can be re-examined.

All the luck in the world to you x

[snowflake293]

Thank you both Pulisa and 0_0 for your replies. I am just so tired of it. My stomach is really bad, feels like when my health anxiety was bad before and I first went on Sertraline.

So anxious about my breast issue, but as my husband pointed out - if I keep squeezing it will keep happening. It is literally only a pin head of milk anyway, a small drop at most. It feels so bloody weird talking about it cause it is so embarrassing.

I am pretty much worried about having the c-word anywhere at the moment. It is a huge phobia that can take over my thoughts at time.

I am just about to head over to the clinic for my assessment. I am really frightened that I will freak out in there. I only have x2 5mg Diazepam left but I am taking one now cause I just want to get though this. I am going to ask for some more but I have already had 5 days worth so I doubt they will give me any more.

I am worried about starting new long term medication, especially anything other than SSRIs as I am worried about side effects. I am worried about weight gain too as I gained 2 stone on Sertraline.

I am scared of having a benign tumour on my pituitary gland and that is what is causing the boob thing and me to gain weight! I am dreading having blood tests for the raised prolactin as I hate waiting for results and if I need an actual scan or a referral to the breast clinic I will go to pieces.

I actually feel like one more thing that happen will tip me over the edge but I have my husband with me (the poor thing) to keep me safe and I am going to tell the dr I am seeing today exactly what is going on.

Please wish me luck. I am so frightened. I am scared they wont help me or believe me :(

[Annaboodle]

The breast issue - just v. quickly to say that I had that after my silent miscarriage. It was just a tiny bit of milk/milky discharge. I didn't get it checked out and it just stopped after a while. I just assumed my hormones had gone loopy. Miscarriage is just v. traumatic for our bodies I guess.

Good luck for today x

[pulisa]

Good luck, Snowflake. You will be believed and be taken seriously. You wouldn't have an appointment there if they thought you were an attention-seeker and a time waster because appointments there are not given to everyone with an MH issue. You should just tell them everything about what you fear. They will have heard it all before and will not judge you. They are there to help you:hugs:

[O_O]

Thank you both Pulisa and 0_0 for your replies. I am just so tired of it. My stomach is really bad, feels like when my health anxiety was bad before and I first went on Sertraline.

So anxious about my breast issue, but as my husband pointed out - if I keep squeezing it will keep happening. It is literally only a pin head of milk anyway, a small drop at most. It feels so bloody weird talking about it cause it is so embarrassing.

I am pretty much worried about having the c-word anywhere at the moment. It is a huge phobia that can take over my thoughts at time.

I am just about to head over to the clinic for my assessment. I am really frightened that I will freak out in there. I only have x2 5mg Diazepam left but I am taking one now cause I just want to get though this. I am going to ask for some more but I have already had 5 days worth so I doubt they will give me any more.

I am worried about starting new long term medication, especially anything other than SSRIs as I am worried about side effects. I am worried about weight gain too as I gained 2 stone on Sertraline.

I am scared of having a benign tumour on my pituitary gland and that is what is causing the boob thing and me to gain weight! I am dreading having blood tests for the raised prolactin as I hate waiting for results and if I need an actual scan or a referral to the breast clinic I will go to pieces.

I actually feel like one more thing that happen will tip me over the edge but I have my husband with me (the poor thing) to keep me safe and I am going to tell the dr I am seeing today exactly what is going on.

Please wish me luck. I am so frightened. I am scared they wont help me or believe me :(

It is true that elevated prolactin can be caused by a pituitary tumour. But it wasn't in my case. And it seems really unlikely that it would be in your case, since it's only started post-pregnancy. It's just a normal pregnancy hormone that will take a while to settle down! Remember how mental I was with the HCG... and it looks like there was no need for that after all.

I get the fear though.

I hope you are reassured and maybe can avoid the anxiety meds if so.

[Iwant2bhealthy]

Sniwflake, I had the same issue with my breast, and it was 100% hormonal. The doctor told me that by pushing it out I made it worse as I additionaly stimulated the nipple to produce milk. So just try not to touch it. It will take some time before your body is back to normal after the miscarriage, but it will get better.

I know how awful you feel right now, and since I can't do much I'll send you a virtual hug, and keep my fingers crossed for you. Remember, help is on the way, and in a couple of weeks you will feel better!

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---------- Post added at 19:19 ---------- Previous post was at 19:18 ----------

How did it go at the doctor's?

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[cattia]

Just wanted to add that I also had this issue with milk leaking a few years back. It was 18 months after I had stopped feeding my son. The doctor told me that lactation in women who have experienced recent pregnancy or breastfeeding (and they considered my 18 month gap to be recent) is almost never anything sinister. They sent me for a mamogram anyway and it was all clear. I hope your appointment went well and you get some decent help. Miscarriage is such an awful thing. I had a mmc a few years ago and it was horrible.

[snowflake293]

Thank you all so, so much for the replies. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear that others have had this breast leaking issue. Thing is, it comes out the right breast easier than the left one, but I think its cause I squeeze the right one more. I examine my breasts too much too (every few days) which is probably over stimulating them. It is definitely milk coming out, just looks breast milk! Thing is though, I was only 9 weeks and my missed miscarriage was in June? It literally only happens if I squeeze them really hard and if I don't do it for a few days I don't really notice it if that makes sense.

I am worried about talking to my GP about it as my Mom had breast c-word (she is fine now thank god) and also I had a benign lump a few years ago, but the experience of going to breast clinics and having scans triggers me more than anything and I am just so fragile at the moment. My ideal outcome will be I go to the doctors and they are like, "its fine" so please pray for me.

Right, back to today... so I had to go for an assessment with a pyschiatrist. It was at a psychiatric hospital which upset me. I felt I had no place there, like I was a fraud. I still dont feel like I am being 'believed'. I feel like an attention seeker, but I am not. I am just desperate for these horrible thoughts to stop haunting me.

Anyway. Saw the pyschiatrist and she was really stern/scary. Made me feel like I had no reason to be there. She was sympathetic enough about my situation but explained the reason people are sent there is to assess if the either need to stay in hospital or have care at home and she didn't think I needed either (which is good) but she was a bit funny with me about coming off my Sertraline. Taken the plunge and gone back on it. She said my weight gain isn't cause of the Sertraline, but cause of my drinking (lol) felt like a bit of a reality check. It wasnt easy, but I think I needed to hear the things she said. Some of them anyway.

Got a Healthy Minds (local self-referral counselling/therapy/CBT service) assessment next week and seeing my GP about my boob things on Thursday.

Feel a bit more chilled tonight. Only got one 5pm diazepam left and there is no chance of getting more as I've had 5 days worth now. I helps me so much though, like, it totally takes the edge off and helps me function but so does Sertraline once it kicks in.

If only diazepam had no negative side effects and was a breeze to come off. I wish it grew on trees!

On a serious note. I am doing ok tonight. Trying to work through it all and I know this was more than a 'blip'. I feel I was in a crisis but I can find a way out now.

[pulisa]

Glad that the psychiatrist was able to reassure you that you didn't need admitting to hospital and she has hopefully helped you with her advice. I always prefer them to speak their minds and not just adopt the softly softly approach. You gain far more from the consultations and she is there to help and advise you rather than be your best friend. Going back on sertraline will hopefully help you again along with the therapy and it's good you have a set plan and a way ahead-something to focus on.

Hope you have a better day today now that you have been assessed. I know you have the breast issue to cope with too but don't speculate too much before you have actually been to see the GP?:hugs:

[O_O]

Glad you're a bit better at the moment snowflake!

Yeah, overstimulating the breasts will definitely result in continued lactation. You know how they had wet nurses back in the day? Those women basically breast fed continually and because their breasts were constantly simulated they never stopped lactating. Some even got really old and were still doing it. So if you can resist checking and stimulating your breasts, that might help. Easier said than done though.

I hope everything goes ok with the GP. Obviously I don't know, but I don't see why they'd refer you to a breast clinic for this. Sounds nothing remotely like cancer! In fact, from what I've heard, lactation actually decreases the risk of breast cancer! True fact! Maybe they will do a blood test to check the prolactin though. But that's just speculation.

I hope everything goes really well!