Staring into an abyss

[PurpleMoo]

I’m new and jumping in feet first, such is my desperation -

I was told a few years back when I went to the hospital for an abnormal heartbeat that I had anxiety and that was causing palpitations. Until recently I have been able to reason with myself but now...frankly, its ruining my life.

I am sitting here with my stomach turning over, my heart is beating so fast, cold and shakey and feel like I cant eat because I feel sick. My brain tells me its cancer. A rare, terminal cancer. I cant shake it off, no amount of logical thinking will get it to go away. Every single day for about two weeks, I wake up thinking that I am terminally ill, that I dont have symptoms because it is too early to have symptoms and that I will not live long enough to see my kids grow up etc. I woke up with back pain, common for me because of the way I sleep, but the first thing I think of is that it must be a tumour pressing against my spine. It seems ridiculous typing this, but I can feel the tears leaking out of my eyes too. I cant shake it, I cant get it to go away, which in my head confirms that it must be true else I would stop worrying. I cannot be happy about anything, I look at my young children and I feel depressed beyond words because I feel I wont get to see them grow up. My parents told me about a holiday they are going on, and rather than being happy for them I cried because it would be somewhere that I wouldnt live to see.

I understand the worrying brings on physical symptoms, which fuels the anxiety etc etc but please, am I going crazy?

I guess the underlying problem is my huge problem with death/dying but...im scared to live. I am scared to be happy, to continue with my study etc because it all feels like it is going to be taken away from me. Of all the mountains I have been faced with, this one feels huge and I am frightened.

What can be done? Can I ever live properly without feeling like this? Im desperate. I’ve made an appointment with the GP but it all feels so futile

[snowflake293]

I wish I could give you a big hug. So much of what you have said here resonates with me. I promise you though, you can get through this. I have severe health anxiety a couple of years ago and I managed to beat it for an entire year. Sadly, it is back again - but I know I can kick it in the butt once again :)

The thing you say about the d-word I can 100 relate too. I remember even when I was a kid I was convinced I would d-word before my 18th birthday, to the point I was say up shaking and crying all night.

I am 33 now and I still have my d-word fears, but not as bad. I worry that something bad will happen, like if I get an invite to a wedding or book a holiday I have totally irrational fears that I'll never make it.

My fears spill over to my family too. I worry so much for my husband and my parents. I tend to keep in very, very close contact with them as I fear for them so much. At my worse I would assume every phone call would be bad news. It was exhausting.

My point is that you are not on your own, and recovery is possible. There is hope. I don't know your history and I haven't seen any of your posts here before so forgive me if I am preaching to the converted but I would really recommend seeing you GP if you can and asking for some talking therapy. I had CBT and it helped me loads, and I am waiting to find out if I can have some more (fingers crossed I can) to help with my current relapse.

Please keep posting here and keep talking about your feelings. This group is my life line.

Sending hugs x

[O_O]

Hi Purple,

A lot of what you say is very true of me too, and of some of the more severe sufferers on here. There's health anxiety... and then there's this.

The last 12 weeks of my life have been a living nightmare and I don't know how I've got through it. In fact, I barely have. I was convinced, 100% no doubt, that I would die from miscarriage complications. Finally, weeks after the miscarriage began, my hormone levels have normalised and my cycles have returned. I genuinely never believed that could happen. I could not imagine it ever happening. It seemed completely impossible. I can barely imagine feeling more wretched. But, as it turns out, I was wrong about most things relating to that particular condition, despite my utter conviction.

Unfortunately I'm still going through it and am now very concerned about cervical cancer based on visible symptoms. Despite being wrong in the past, I cannot shake a very real fear that I have cancer and I'm getting checked out for the second time on Monday. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems unlikely to me. So I'm afraid at this point I can't tell you how to escape this hell, because I'm still living it.

I know exactly what you mean about being unable to enjoy anything. Everything seems tarnished because I feel that I won't be around much longer to enjoy the beauty of the world and all the things that I used to love. There is no joy in anything. I remember how much pleasure I used to take in simple things, and how happy I was at times, and it breaks my heart that I feel I'll never be that way again. Occasionally I'll have a moment where I look at my beautiful surroundings and think how lovely they are, and I can't bear that I won't be able to enjoy them again. If I ever feel more positive for a moment, I immediately become scared because it feels like I'm giving myself false hope and it's going to be snatched away.

I'm sorry I have no advice about getting out of this hole, but I and many others do understand. Going to the GP is the right step. They might be able to start you on therapy and/or medication which may help.

We're all here for you in the meantime.