PurpleMoo
01-11-17, 16:45
I’m new and jumping in feet first, such is my desperation -
I was told a few years back when I went to the hospital for an abnormal heartbeat that I had anxiety and that was causing palpitations. Until recently I have been able to reason with myself but now...frankly, its ruining my life.
I am sitting here with my stomach turning over, my heart is beating so fast, cold and shakey and feel like I cant eat because I feel sick. My brain tells me its cancer. A rare, terminal cancer. I cant shake it off, no amount of logical thinking will get it to go away. Every single day for about two weeks, I wake up thinking that I am terminally ill, that I dont have symptoms because it is too early to have symptoms and that I will not live long enough to see my kids grow up etc. I woke up with back pain, common for me because of the way I sleep, but the first thing I think of is that it must be a tumour pressing against my spine. It seems ridiculous typing this, but I can feel the tears leaking out of my eyes too. I cant shake it, I cant get it to go away, which in my head confirms that it must be true else I would stop worrying. I cannot be happy about anything, I look at my young children and I feel depressed beyond words because I feel I wont get to see them grow up. My parents told me about a holiday they are going on, and rather than being happy for them I cried because it would be somewhere that I wouldnt live to see.
I understand the worrying brings on physical symptoms, which fuels the anxiety etc etc but please, am I going crazy?
I guess the underlying problem is my huge problem with death/dying but...im scared to live. I am scared to be happy, to continue with my study etc because it all feels like it is going to be taken away from me. Of all the mountains I have been faced with, this one feels huge and I am frightened.
What can be done? Can I ever live properly without feeling like this? Im desperate. I’ve made an appointment with the GP but it all feels so futile
I was told a few years back when I went to the hospital for an abnormal heartbeat that I had anxiety and that was causing palpitations. Until recently I have been able to reason with myself but now...frankly, its ruining my life.
I am sitting here with my stomach turning over, my heart is beating so fast, cold and shakey and feel like I cant eat because I feel sick. My brain tells me its cancer. A rare, terminal cancer. I cant shake it off, no amount of logical thinking will get it to go away. Every single day for about two weeks, I wake up thinking that I am terminally ill, that I dont have symptoms because it is too early to have symptoms and that I will not live long enough to see my kids grow up etc. I woke up with back pain, common for me because of the way I sleep, but the first thing I think of is that it must be a tumour pressing against my spine. It seems ridiculous typing this, but I can feel the tears leaking out of my eyes too. I cant shake it, I cant get it to go away, which in my head confirms that it must be true else I would stop worrying. I cannot be happy about anything, I look at my young children and I feel depressed beyond words because I feel I wont get to see them grow up. My parents told me about a holiday they are going on, and rather than being happy for them I cried because it would be somewhere that I wouldnt live to see.
I understand the worrying brings on physical symptoms, which fuels the anxiety etc etc but please, am I going crazy?
I guess the underlying problem is my huge problem with death/dying but...im scared to live. I am scared to be happy, to continue with my study etc because it all feels like it is going to be taken away from me. Of all the mountains I have been faced with, this one feels huge and I am frightened.
What can be done? Can I ever live properly without feeling like this? Im desperate. I’ve made an appointment with the GP but it all feels so futile