Feel guilty

[bingjam]

Ok so this might be a bit rambling on but I'm struggling with my anxiety right now.

Basically we live in a house and have a house either side of us. One is a 96 year old lady who has recently become so poorly that she was taken to hospital 2 weeks and they said she won't be coming home, and that she only has a matter of a week left to live, I used to go round every morning before work/taking the children to school to help her with what she needed but one particular day I just couldn't be bothered I took the kids to school and I had the day off work and my anxiety was pretty sucky I couldn't cope with her being rude to me on that particular day so I didn't go and pop in on my neighbour and I didn't go the day after either I fount out the next day after going around (after not going for 2 days) and she wasn't there that she was taken to hospital in the afternoon of the second day. She had a water infection which has just gotten so bad, she now has a chest infection/ pneumonia and is dying. I went up the hospital on Tuesday and it broke me. She looked so poorly and so scared. She kept asking me if she was dying and I was just reassuring her that she wasn't and that the doctors needed to make sure she was 100% before they let her home. I took my daughter with me who's 4 and my neighbour and her love eachother. My daughter was adamant that she wanted to come with me to see her, and I new that it would probably be the last time she would see her. My daughter climbed on the bed and cuddled her and my neighbour cradled her face and looked teary eyed. And she told me that she wanted me to get the teddy bear out of her house which she has had since she was little and wanted my emmy to have it to remember her by, which to me makes it clear that she knows she's not coming home and she looked totally terrified.
My daughter keeps asking to go and see her again but I don't know if I can face it.

Anyway. I was just woundering if I went around like normal and didn't miss the 2 days would she still be in the same situation now?? I feel a terrible guilt of not going like I normally did. I could have noticed something wasn't right and got her to the doctor sooner and would have treated her sooner?? It's just making me bad thinking I could have changed all of this.

[NervUs]

Hon, she is 96!!! I can't imagine there is anything you could have done to prevent this. You have been an amazing neighbor and probably brought so much joy to her in her old age, especially by letting her develop something special with your daughter. I understand why you feel guilty, but try to let it go.

[bingjam]

I keep trying to tell myself that but I've just broke down tonight as I have this huge guilt on me thinking I could have got her to the doctor sooner and could have treated her sooner. It was 30 minutes out of my day and I just didn't go.
Her and my daughter do have a lovely bond and my daughter really does love her. I used to moan as when I went she just to be rude to me sometimes and thinking about it she's old and unable to really walk and always stuck in her house. I guess I'd be miserable too. I'd just hate to think that if I went round they could have treated her and her infection wouldn't have gotten so bad that it ended up like this.
I always overthink Things and I'm trying to tell myself if I went or not it would still have the same outcome. I just can't get past it and my anxiety is so high because of it

[O_O]

I keep trying to tell myself that but I've just broke down tonight as I have this huge guilt on me thinking I could have got her to the doctor sooner and could have treated her sooner. It was 30 minutes out of my day and I just didn't go.
Her and my daughter do have a lovely bond and my daughter really does love her. I used to moan as when I went she just to be rude to me sometimes and thinking about it she's old and unable to really walk and always stuck in her house. I guess I'd be miserable too. I'd just hate to think that if I went round they could have treated her and her infection wouldn't have gotten so bad that it ended up like this.
I always overthink Things and I'm trying to tell myself if I went or not it would still have the same outcome. I just can't get past it and my anxiety is so high because of it

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have gone above and beyond what most people would have done by being such a good neighbour and nurturing the bond between this old lady and your daughter.

Most people would never bother to take time out to help their neighbours, let alone every day! You've been extremely selfless and generous to this old woman.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to take a few days to yourself once in a while, especially if you're feeling run down. Remember, most people wouldn't have been helping this old lady in the first place. It's bad luck that she got ill over those couple of days, but that is in no way your fault.

You deserve a pat on the back for everything you've done for this woman, all the times you've helped her, the joy you've brought into her life with your daughter, and visiting her in hospital. It's so much more than most people would do. Don't feel guilty for one instant. You've improved this lady's life and I'm sure she is so grateful for it even if she does seem grumpy sometimes.

[bingjam]

Thank you so much for that reply. It's made me feel so much better. And your right not many people would do what I did. But it's in my nature to take care of people. Especially those who really need it.
She has family who live up the road who never go and visit her. And I mean never actually visit her, she always used to say to me how lonely it was for her knowing they were up the road but never saw her. My husband goes mad that they are sitting up the road doing nothing whilst I go around every day. I never saw it as a problem or any trouble I just struggled on them two days, my cousin is married to my neighbours grandson and I asked my cousin if she wouldn't mind doing one day a week in the morning just so I had one rush free morning and her reply was she or her husband (my neighbours grandson) couldn't commit to doing that and that they wouldn't do it basically. And to be honest it shows what kind of person I am compared to most people, even my neighbours own grandson wouldn't go and visit her, but now it's to late he's missed out on seeing her, he has been up and seen her once in the hospital, but come on surely if your grandmother is dying you'd want to spend as much time as possible with her. (Sorry that turned into a little rant there)

She always tells me and my daughter stories of her life and talk about her late husband and I guess she really did enjoy our company and us going to see her and us listening and talking about her marvellous life she has had.

Thank you again for your words it really has made me feel so much better about it all. I am a good person and I hope I did make her life that little more easier and happier especially with the bond she has with my daughter. I just don't know what I'm going to tell her when she dies, my daughter asks about when she's coming home every day and if she can go and see her in the hospital again

[MyNameIsTerry]

No, you mustn't blame yourself for this AND look at the woman's attitude to you all, nothing but love. She doesn't blame you, why should you?

Of course, being a caring person you do because that's how we react and to be honest isn't that better than not caring? You went to see her and you have been helping her our for ages when she had nobody else who could. There should be more people like you. Just look at the good example you are setting your child.

You had a bad health day yourself. You are entitled to get ill. And I'll put my money on the fact you would have dragged yourself around there, anxiety or not, if you thought something was wrong.

She doesn't blame you. And at 96 I bet she made her peace with death a long time ago. People at these ages can be very stoic about such things and see every day as a bonus.

[bingjam]

I know I shouldn't blame myself but I just beat myself up over things all the time and wounder if I had done t different would it be different outcome if you know what I mean, it's just knocked me into my depression again.

I've been back up today to see her as my daughter keeps asking to see her so we went and she is so much more poorly. It scared my daughter seeing her like that so after 20minutes we left. It's clear that she's near to the end and she's just in so much pain it's just not fair, she can't breath or move or talk and it was horrible seeing her like that. My daughter did give her a cuddle though which I'm sure she appreciated. I just wish she was peaceful and not in so much pain.
For someone who is terrified of hospitals and death I just felt like I needed to go, and I'm glad I did as I'm sure it will be the last time we see her. It's just not fair that she's suffering so much.

Thank you again for replying. I just don't know how to tell my daughter what's fully going on as she keeps asking when is Betty coming home and I just keep saying when the doctors make her better. She's 4 and have no idea what to say when she eventually passes which will be sooner rather than later. My son who is 6 has been going through a stage for the past 5 months where he's scared of death too and obviously during his scared moments I tell him that he has absolutely no reason to be scared of death as it only happens to very old people who have lived happy lives and are ready to go into heaven (heaven seems to comfort him a lot) so my son keeps saying that as Betty is old and in hospital that she's going to die. He wouldn't come the hospital with us as he was so scared so he stayed at home with dad. I've just never really had to deal with death before (only ever when I was 16 I'm now 27) how do you tell children when one doesn't really know about death and the other is totally terrified???

[O_O]

I know I shouldn't blame myself but I just beat myself up over things all the time and wounder if I had done t different would it be different outcome if you know what I mean, it's just knocked me into my depression again.

I've been back up today to see her as my daughter keeps asking to see her so we went and she is so much more poorly. It scared my daughter seeing her like that so after 20minutes we left. It's clear that she's near to the end and she's just in so much pain it's just not fair, she can't breath or move or talk and it was horrible seeing her like that. My daughter did give her a cuddle though which I'm sure she appreciated. I just wish she was peaceful and not in so much pain.
For someone who is terrified of hospitals and death I just felt like I needed to go, and I'm glad I did as I'm sure it will be the last time we see her. It's just not fair that she's suffering so much.

Thank you again for replying. I just don't know how to tell my daughter what's fully going on as she keeps asking when is Betty coming home and I just keep saying when the doctors make her better. She's 4 and have no idea what to say when she eventually passes which will be sooner rather than later. My son who is 6 has been going through a stage for the past 5 months where he's scared of death too and obviously during his scared moments I tell him that he has absolutely no reason to be scared of death as it only happens to very old people who have lived happy lives and are ready to go into heaven (heaven seems to comfort him a lot) so my son keeps saying that as Betty is old and in hospital that she's going to die. He wouldn't come the hospital with us as he was so scared so he stayed at home with dad. I've just never really had to deal with death before (only ever when I was 16 I'm now 27) how do you tell children when one doesn't really know about death and the other is totally terrified???

Just my opinion, but I'd be honest about it with them. I think by skirting around the subject it probably makes it all the more mysterious and frightening. But death is the most natural thing in the world. Personally I'd tell your daughter the truth, as she's going to find out sooner or later that the old lady isn't coming home. But that's just my thoughts, it's obviously up to you :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

I really wouldn't have a clue, I've never been in that situation. I hope some of the parents on here can give you some advice on this as they must have had to face this problem at some point.

Interesting isn't it? You have all those fears but you pushed on through because you wanted to. Wanting empowers. Your deeper beliefs about what you believe is the right thing to do is driving you to take action which means pushing through fears. It shows you are stronger than you realise.

I'm sure this lady really appreciates what you have been doing for her. It's not just about helping around the house either, she obviously cares about your daughter and I reckon she has gained emotionally from this as her own family seem like a dead loss. It's a great shame they aren't better for her but she's had your family giving her something she needs as much as the home help.

At that age, it can be a matter of one thing spirals into another and it's time to go. She may be prepared for it, many people that old have accepted they have lived their lives and have made their peace with what is coming. It is a shame she is in pain and hopefully they can ease that for her but it's perhaps best to be prepared for the worst. She may yet surprise you all, she's soldiered on to 96!