Amandadwn
09-11-17, 16:54
I am in no way a poet lol. This is the first time I've ever wrote one. I decided to write in a journal to see if it helps any with all my anxiety. It surprisingly helps some. So how bad is it? Lol
One Day....
In my head it is never sunny but always cloudy.
In my heart it is never full of love but always full of fear.
This thing. This monster. It consumes me.
Its a liar, a manipulator and a thief.
I feel as if I am to sit aside while it takes over and for some sick reason....I let it.
It doesn't come alone.
It brings with it another unseen force.
These things are not visable to the naked eye but felt so deeply it burns.
My heart starts to beat so loudly as a welcoming drum.
Welcoming the hurt, the lonliness, the anger and the fear.
My mind begins to feel further away from my body and no one looks or sounds the same anymore.
I begin to tingle and shake.
I'm lost and feel out of control as if I've stepped over the edge.
At this point this thing has complete control over my mind.
I am merely a puppet.
I fight.
I fight.
I fight.
I finally fight free.
Some would see this as a win.
But all I can think about is when will be the next time.
How aggressive will it be next?
How long will it last?
How much more can I take?
Just as I think it is over, the other has come for its turn with me.
Leaving me a doubtful, numb and worthless mess.
I'm drowing at this point and trying so hard to swim back up to the top for just that little bit of air that will keep me alive.
Some days its easy.
Some days it takes every ounce of who I am.
Regardless of what it takes, I always make it.
This is the part that you see.
What you don't see is what it costs me everytime I make it to the top.
A little piece of me dies with every victory making me an easy target for the next time.
The person I once was is flaking away little by little with every battle won.
Everyday harder than the last.
I WILL take back everything I have lost to this thing.
I will beat this one day.
But today is not that day.......
One Day....
In my head it is never sunny but always cloudy.
In my heart it is never full of love but always full of fear.
This thing. This monster. It consumes me.
Its a liar, a manipulator and a thief.
I feel as if I am to sit aside while it takes over and for some sick reason....I let it.
It doesn't come alone.
It brings with it another unseen force.
These things are not visable to the naked eye but felt so deeply it burns.
My heart starts to beat so loudly as a welcoming drum.
Welcoming the hurt, the lonliness, the anger and the fear.
My mind begins to feel further away from my body and no one looks or sounds the same anymore.
I begin to tingle and shake.
I'm lost and feel out of control as if I've stepped over the edge.
At this point this thing has complete control over my mind.
I am merely a puppet.
I fight.
I fight.
I fight.
I finally fight free.
Some would see this as a win.
But all I can think about is when will be the next time.
How aggressive will it be next?
How long will it last?
How much more can I take?
Just as I think it is over, the other has come for its turn with me.
Leaving me a doubtful, numb and worthless mess.
I'm drowing at this point and trying so hard to swim back up to the top for just that little bit of air that will keep me alive.
Some days its easy.
Some days it takes every ounce of who I am.
Regardless of what it takes, I always make it.
This is the part that you see.
What you don't see is what it costs me everytime I make it to the top.
A little piece of me dies with every victory making me an easy target for the next time.
The person I once was is flaking away little by little with every battle won.
Everyday harder than the last.
I WILL take back everything I have lost to this thing.
I will beat this one day.
But today is not that day.......