how did it all begin ?

[mirry]

Do you ever wonder how it all began?
what is it in your life that started off your panic attacks

Yesturday I was watching on tv about the girl who was addicted to Asda, It was explained that it was the only place she felt safe because her mother worked there, she would shop for 4 hours just so she could be near her mother. In the end her phychiatrist worked out it was because at the age of 17 she was attacked with a knife by a gang of youths, they cut her face and shes now got problems being alone or going out.

This really struck a cord with me, Ive always wondered why am I so afraid to be around crowds ect, why do I hate busy shops and school runs so much?
I feel I have the same problem as the girl on telly,
basically because when I was 18 I was stalked for 1 year by a complete stranger (nutter)! He came up behind me in the park and told me he was going to stab me there and then unless I agreed to go out with him......so I said I would, just to escape with my life.
It was a very stressful time and I was constanly looking over my shoulder worried he was coming to kill me, the police were involved and I lived in total fear for my life for 12 months:weep: . In the end he stopped when he found another poor girl to stalk and although it was awful for her I felt a huge relief. But things were never the same, looking back I was never the same person, I was weary of other people and always looked over my shoulder just incase he came back to get me.
Then when I finally met my husband he said to me, why do you always insist on sitting with your back to the wall in restaurants, I replied " it makes me feel safe" cos I can see whats going on (I can see whos coming in the restaurant).

I was then attacked again from behind whilst out ,when I was 29 years old..
I wont go into detail but it was by someone I didnt know and I remember I took it very badly. Straight after that I started getting shakey feelings whenever I left the house on my own. My husband and I started to foster children so were always togehter for the next 5 years.
hen when I was 35 I started getting full blown panic attacks, for no reason :shrug: but really I think Ive always know why, its just I didnt want to face up to it, I didnt want to appear weak.

I dont know how to undo the damage ? how can I relax enough whilst out the house,? my brain wont let me forget, Im sure its trying to protect me but I need a life.:blush:

Do you feel you know why it all began for you ?

[Ellen70]

Hello Mirry, I can't even find works to communicate to you how horrified and shocked I am at what happened to you. If all that happened to be I would be in an institution or in the hereafter :weep:


To answer your thread question. My eldest brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was fifteen (and I was eight) and he was violent and aggressive. My parents couldn't handle him and the dept of heatlh were of no help. He ruled out family with an iron fist and we could only talk when he said so. My father believed if we all just let him have his own way then he would be less aggressive. It acutually made him more violent. He sexually harrassed me continually too and if I complained to my parents, then I would have go a hiding.
That's me.
Eibhlin

[belle]

Hi Mirry..

Thanks for sharing that with us.

I *think* my health anxiety issues and the constant horrible feelings that i am going to die/drop dead come from when i was 11. I was being babysat by my grandmother who that evening said to me "I reckon i'll die tonight." That very evening at 10.15pm, 22nd November 1986 she dropped dead in my mothers utility room. I found her.

My emetophobia started when i was 4. My sister had a bug and she breathed all over me on purpose. I woke up in the night lying in my own vomit. Very scary. Also, my step-father was always puking because of migraines, he's a VERY noisey puker :( And finally, when i was at school, my mother would regulary tell me NOT to go to near to children in case they'd been sick. I translated sickness into something terrible. Since having a baby, my sick fear has got much better. I don't put myself into positions that will make me ill....ie. mixing with sick people or getting drunk!

For as long as i can remember i believe i've had minor episodes of panic, mostly to do with thinking i was going to be sick, i wasn't ill - just scared that i would throw up when i was out.

THEN...my full on panic and agoraphobia started 9 years ago (on the 11th July). I was at work, 5 months pregnant, and i blacked out. When i came round i couldn't hear and i couldn't see and i felt like i was either going to puke or poop myself infront of my collegues (not good for an emetophobic!). From then, i stopped driving incase i passed out again. When i'd had my son i was okay for a week or so, then the fear came back because i was driving with a newborn. Everything went down hill rapidly. Panicking all the time, thinking i was going to be sick when i was out. I became housebound and then roombound, scared to answer the door/phone, have people in...even having people outside my house would send me into a massive panic attack.

Right now, i don't know what i fear the most. I think the fear OF panicking. I'm still worried about dying, not through having a panic attack, just dying alone...or when i am out and not being able to get home :(

Inbetween all that i'd dealt with being bullied, father not wanting to know me, eating disorders, divorce and mental and emotional abuse.

I am pretty messed up!

x

[mirry]

Ebhlin, sounds like it was very stressful growing up being around your brother, trouble is when your so young you are so vunerable in so many ways, It must of been really difficult actually living with someone who had control over the household, infact very scarey I would of thought :hugs: .


Bluebell, thats awful you finding your grandmother dead after she told you so,
and as for worrying that you could be sick in front of other people or even mess in front of other people is a awful fear, I remember when I was attacked the 2nd time I nearly wet myself (I had only given birth the week before hand so my bladder was weak) and I somehow managed to stop it quickly :blush: . I remember feeling so ashamed about appearing so weak.
But why should we care if we are sick in front of others ? Infact they would only be concerned for us wouldnt they.

I find it really interesting hearing how it began for people, cos it must of began somewhere . I have never before found out what my real fear is, it is in there somewhere in all of us, we may dismiss it or not realise it but the answer is there.
I started panicking when my nan died , her death wasnt the cause of my panics it just bought them out I believe.
:flowers:

[Lindalou64]

theres to much to list but for me i believe i could of had the best childhood and life and still have gotten this since it is heritary in my fam.....but when i did get this 18 yrs ago i just had my last son and other things were going on .......so i really dont know....Linda xx

[Alabasterlyn]

Mine all started after my family decided to move down to London from the north when I was 15 which meant I had to leave school too as there was no National Curriculum in those days, so I left behind all my friends and also had to go out on my own and find a job. I felt very abandoned as my dad was never home, my mother was totally obsessed about her own problems and my sister and I didn't get along.

On top of that I had undiagnosed chronic anaemia for about 18mths and would constantly be going to the Dr's as I was always feeling tired, dizzy and had constant headaches. I was diagnosed for all that time with 'anxiety' which I know at the beginning I certainly didn't have, but after 18mths of being told there was nothing wrong with me, when I knew by how I felt that there most surely was, I actually did develop anxiety from the stress of it all. It was only when I was finally sent to see a neurologist at the Maida Vale hospital that for the first time I was given a blood test and diagnosed with chronic anaemia. I often wonder how different things would have been if I'd been given a blood test when I first developed symptoms.

[happyone]

Hi,

I am always taken aback at the experiences people have had, it is no surprise we become anx eh?
Alab, I had anaemia whilst being treated for anx and I can see how they are confused. It is an awful feeling isn't it?
Ebhlin, sounds like your growing up was quite traumatic.
Bluebell, poor you hun. that must have been awful.
Mirry, what horrific things to happen to you.

For myself, I have apparently always been anx. I lost my hair before starting school with anx. I do know though that my parents had probs when I was a baby and a lot of it I can't remember.
My dad was an alcoholic and had anxiety depression. This created anx in the household, which I am very sensitive to.
Throughout my childhood I had the most wonderful parents who were everything you could hope for....until every few weeks they would go on a drinking bender for 4-7 days.
During the drinking times I wasn't cossetted as I normally was, they would fight and argue, sometimes there was violence (not to me) but during these times my brother would look after me, but he wasn't always there and sometimes things happened to me by other people (abuse)Then he died in an accident when I was 12. This is the one thing that has had the biggest impact on me in my life.
My adolescent years were very traumatic, I used to stand outside the bathroom screaming cos I thought my mum would kill herself when in there. I used to hurt myself so that they would stay sober and look after me, I used to go on hunger strike to try to make them stop drinking. I wouldn't eat during their binges, I took an OD to try to stop them drinking, I ran away to make them worry themselves into sobriety, I used to ask to get taken into a home when they were drinking so they would sober up and come and fetch me back, I jumped off high places to try to break a limb so they would have to sober up to fetch me from hospital. I spent most of my adolescent life in fear that when I got home from school they would be drinking again.
Things happened to me again when they were drinking, cos no one was looking after me.
I began to obsess about my mother killing herself accidentally by falling asleep with a cigarette, so I wouldn't sleep until she was safely in her bed. Then I worried that she would choke in the night, so I used to get up just to look at her.
I also obsessed that it was all my fault and that my mum wished I had died instead of my brother, so I would try to be the perfect daughter when they were sober in the hope that it would stop them going on a drinking binge.
I had boyfriends as I got older, but I held onto some very unsuitable people, just to have someone with me. Again, 'things' happened.

My husband, whom I get on about sometimes,:blush: was my saviour, I really think. He was the first person who got me to see that my power in all the stuff was not in my hands. That my parents made their decisions and I had no control.
I never told him about all the stuff and I think the past few years has made it all come to a head. Probably with the birth of my first child. I obsessed she was going to die, or she would hate me or I would be a bad parent etc.

So that is me and part of why I am like what I am. Sorry if I have gone on a bit and sorry if I have said too much.
thank you for the opportunity to write it down

happyone
xx

[mirry]

happyone, you have put up with alot, its almost as if you felt responsible for your parents which must of been extreamly stressful, I have 2 frnnds who had alcoholic parents and they both had bad childhoods and suffer with bad nerves.

Alabasterlyn, thats really bad it took so long to pick up on your anemia and had it been picked up quicker maybe you wouldnt of been badly effected,moving to a new place is very stressful ,especially to London!

It all appears to me that we all have one thing in common,
our childhood years were unsettled which trained us to become anxious individuals.

I used to block out what a crap begining I had, Mainly plenty of abuse from a early age, but if bad things keep happening then no wonder we expect more bad things to happen to us :shrug: .