View Full Version : Why can't I let this fear go?
BrokenGirl
14-11-17, 13:25
I went back to my doctor this morning about a few things, one of them being a lump I could feel in my left breast. She did a breast exam and said everything felt fine. But she also said if a lump ever doesn't go away and gets bigger then get it checked again. That voice in my head is telling me what if that lump is after getting bigger but she doens't know what it felt like or how big it was a few months ago.
Is that crazy thinking?
I have to start separating rational from irrational thoughts here. Surely if the lump was of any concern to her then she'd refer me on to a breast clinic, even if it didn't turn out to be sinister.
Shouldn't her telling me that everything felt fine be enough for me?
Have I fallen down the rabbit hole again or is there any bit of logic to my thinking?
Hi, I understand your fears. I am generally pretty confident in my doctors breast exams. Does she know you well? How old are you? I totally get why you would be worried but I am thinking that if she felt something suspect she would let you know and do something about it. Her comment about if one does get bigger was probably not the right thing to say to someone with health anxiety as she was probably just trying to educate you about lumps but you read into it as thinking she mean you do have a lump.
Its easy to go to the doctor and only fixate and the anything vague or odd they might say. I am sure you are fine.
Notice the irish flag. Im irish too but have lived in canada since i was 12.
Health anxiety sucks!!!
I went back to my doctor this morning about a few things, one of them being a lump I could feel in my left breast. She did a breast exam and said everything felt fine. But she also said if a lump ever doesn't go away and gets bigger then get it checked again. That voice in my head is telling me what if that lump is after getting bigger but she doens't know what it felt like or how big it was a few months ago.
Is that crazy thinking?
I have to start separating rational from irrational thoughts here. Surely if the lump was of any concern to her then she'd refer me on to a breast clinic, even if it didn't turn out to be sinister.
Shouldn't her telling me that everything felt fine be enough for me?
Have I fallen down the rabbit hole again or is there any bit of logic to my thinking?
Remember: Don't feed the dragon - slay it! ;)
Shouldn't her telling me that everything felt fine be enough for me?
Have I fallen down the rabbit hole again or is there any bit of logic to my thinking?
Yes it should be enough for you and yes you are heading down the rabbit hole and no no logic to your thinking.
I see your posts on here and my heart does go out to you but there is no logic to your thinking.
I do not know what help is available to you but I would really try and get some and then give it your all.
Hope things get better for you.
Elen
BrokenGirl
14-11-17, 21:57
I just can't shake these bloody thoughts from my head. I keep asking myself questions like "What if the lump has got bigger over the past few weeks/months?" or "what if she didn't feel it properly?". The lump feels a bit bigger when i'm standing up and i was lying down for the breast exam.
What will it take for me to start seeing sense?
You said Elen that my thinking is not logical, how do i truely accept that?
And I had a mammogram about 8 months ago so i know the chances of anything growing between then and now are probably small anyway.
Has anyone ever been this bad with HA and come out smiling at the other end?
What will it take for me to start seeing sense?
You said Elen that my thinking is not logical, how do i truely accept that?
I think that question illustrates very clearly how skewed your thinking is and how severe you anxiety is affecting you. And that's just it.... The problem is you can't see it.
From a non-sufferer perspective and a survivor, I see your fear as highly, highly irrational. In fact, the vast majority of fears you've posted over the last year+ have had the same degree of irrationality. You just keep going around and around. Some way, some how, you have to get off this merri-go-round.
I hope you take the steps to do so.
Positive thoughts
She feels breast all day long looking for lumps and abnormalities. If it was concerning to her at all she would have said so. It doesn't matter what it felt like before, she felt it now and wasn't concerned. I think you already know that your feelings are anxiety based and not reality based. Start there, with that knowledge.
Accepting that your fears are not based in reality is a truly freeing feeling. It finally allows you to see that nagging HA voice inside your head for what it truly is. I wish I could say that there's a magic formula for how to get to that place but it's different for everyone. One thing that has helped me is to try to model my thinking/reactions as closely as I can to how a non-HAer would think or react. If I'm worried about something I try to think how my family would react to the same thing. Most of the time the answer is that they would let it go and not worry. They would accept the diagnosis and move on. With that information I can remind myself that my thoughts are not rational. It's a very deliberate and continuing process. It is something that I have to practice on a daily, often hourly, basis. But it is working. I'm slowly pulling myself out of the HA trap. If I can then I know that anyone here can as well.
BrokenGirl
16-11-17, 19:05
I think I was just starting to see sense about that lump. But I've been examining my breasts so much the last few days and now I can feel another lump. It's in a different part of my breast to the last lump but it feels fairly solid and I can't move it easily, which I think is a bad sign.
I know all I want at the moment is reassurance but this is eating me up so much inside that I'm feeling ill from it all day long. The fear is just swallowing me up.
I just don't know what to do any more. Should I go back to the doctor for reassurance on this to ease my mind for a while?
P.S. I am in the process of starting counselling. I met with a doctor at the day hospital last Friday who took all my details down and said he'll refer me to a psychologist. In the meantime he gave me medication which I tried for a few days but they made me so so sick I had no choice but to stop taking them.
You need to ride out the side effects of medication! It can take up to 2 months before you really start to see and feel the benefits. What medication were you prescribed? Dosage?
Positive thoughts
BrokenGirl
16-11-17, 19:22
You need to ride out the side effects of medication! It can take up to 2 months before you really start to see and feel the benefits. What medication were you prescribed? Dosage?
Positive thoughts
He put me on 50mg of Clomipramine, more commonly known as Anafranil.
I know these medications can make you feel worse before better but I was physically throwing up all the time, shaking, couldn't eat, no energy so had to spend most of my time in bed, severe headache and lots more. I just felt like I'd been completely poisoned.
It really was horrific what they did to me :weep:
I'm really saddened to read all this, BrokenGirl. I get the feeling your dad having a stroke has triggered your fear of mortality and that this is your underlying root problem. I think you really need to consider meds alongside talking therapy - your anxiety has sky-rocketed from what you say. Anafranil is a pretty heavy-duty med that a lot of people don't react well to. But there are other meds you can still take and I really urge you to go back to your GP/doc and say you want to try something else.
This is going to be a long road but one that you need to actually start, or as Fish says, it will be a circular loop and spiral into depression and anxiety.
You don't have a lump though. You think you can feel one but the GP said everything felt fine. What you can feel will be normal breast tissue. You had a clear mammogram a very short time ago. You can choose not to believe the mammogram result but that would be feeding your HA. Do you really think your GP would choose to ignore any suspicion of a breast lump? These days you are sent off for testing straightaway.
I think you should try to focus on the positive outcome from your GP visit-she said she couldn't feel anything and all was fine. Giving the general guidance on breast lumps probably wasn't doing you any favours but GPs have to tell us this on each breast-related visit. Please don't make another appointment for another examination?
BrokenGirl
16-11-17, 22:17
I'm really saddened to read all this, BrokenGirl. I get the feeling your dad having a stroke has triggered your fear of mortality and that this is your underlying root problem. I think you really need to consider meds alongside talking therapy - your anxiety has sky-rocketed from what you say. Anafranil is a pretty heavy-duty med that a lot of people don't react well to. But there are other meds you can still take and I really urge you to go back to your GP/doc and say you want to try something else.
This is going to be a long road but one that you need to actually start, or as Fish says, it will be a circular loop and spiral into depression and anxiety.
I think my dad having a stroke certainly put my anxiety through the roof, and yes it has scared the hell out of me. I'm determined to keep going down the road of treating my HA and I'm prepared for it to be a long road. And I'm willing to try any meds cause I know I need them, for a while anyway. But this fear of the lump is with me constantly. I'm terrified all the time now and I can't go on like this.
---------- Post added at 22:17 ---------- Previous post was at 22:12 ----------
You don't have a lump though. You think you can feel one but the GP said everything felt fine. What you can feel will be normal breast tissue. You had a clear mammogram a very short time ago. You can choose not to believe the mammogram result but that would be feeding your HA. Do you really think your GP would choose to ignore any suspicion of a breast lump? These days you are sent off for testing straightaway.
I think you should try to focus on the positive outcome from your GP visit-she said she couldn't feel anything and all was fine. Giving the general guidance on breast lumps probably wasn't doing you any favours but GPs have to tell us this on each breast-related visit. Please don't make another appointment for another examination?
I wish I could believe that I don't have a lump. To me it definitely is a lump and I'm so scared. I'm trying so hard to focus on what you said but I did notice that she checked that part of my breast very quickly, she was more or less concentrating on the other area I was concerned about.
It will break my heart to make another appointment but what if this fear doesn't go away? I'm in bits at the moment and I can't go on like this either.
If you are worried then you should request another mammogram to ease your fears. If you feel a lump then it should be investigated further. Just because we have HA doesn't mean there can't be anything wrong with us - that's what tests are for. Then if the mammogram is clear, hopefully you can breathe a bit easier for a while. Just my opinion.
If you are worried then you should request another mammogram to ease your fears. If you feel a lump then it should be investigated further. Just because we have HA doesn't mean there can't be anything wrong with us - that's what tests are for. Then if the mammogram is clear, hopefully you can breathe a bit easier for a while. Just my opinion.
The OP has had a recent clear mammogram and a clear medical exam(s). The doctor could no feel the lump and there's no doubt the op pointed out where it was. Additional tests or doctor visits are just feeding the dragon. IMO, this is totally a perceived lump.
You asked if you were being irrational. Yes... yes you are. If that med isn't a good mix, there are several others that can help. You need something to give your mind a break until you can get real life professional help.
Positive thoughts
I agree with Fishmanpa. Another mammogram after only 8 months would be totally unnecessary exposure to radiation as there is no clinical need and no lump, only a perceived lump. BrokenGirl, please believe your GP who is trained to detect any slight abnormality or potential red flag re breast conditions? If you continue to poke and prod you will be doing yourself more harm both physically and mentally. Please go down the therapy route?
BrokenGirl
22-11-17, 21:38
A quick update - I did go back to my doctor last Friday. I was so tormented and upset I had to do something. She gave me another breast exam, said everything was fine but she will refer me to the breast clinic for my own peace of mind. I'll be waiting a couple of months for that appointment as it's a non urgent one. She said she was referring me to try to temporarily ease my anxiety while i'm waiting for my psychologist appointment to come through.
And I was doing ok for a couple of days until today. I've noticed that my nipples are not the same colour, one has a lot of yellow coloured skin on it and it's starting to scare me. I don't want this to take over me again but I can feel it bubbling inside me.
Do any other ladies out there have anything like this? Is it normal? I'm not even sure how long it's been that way but it's starting to scare me.
Your doctor really hasn't done you any favours. You have a long time to wind yourself up before your appointment. Good to hear that you are getting a psychologist appointment.
Have you had a look at CBT4Panic therapy that is offered for free?
It would be worth a try while waiting on your psychologist appointment.
There are lots of posts on here regarding funny nipples, so very very common.
BrokenGirl
23-11-17, 15:28
Your doctor really hasn't done you any favours. You have a long time to wind yourself up before your appointment. Good to hear that you are getting a psychologist appointment.
Have you had a look at CBT4Panic therapy that is offered for free?
It would be worth a try while waiting on your psychologist appointment.
There are lots of posts on here regarding funny nipples, so very very common.
I will have a look at the CBT4Panic - thanks Elen.
But in the meantime my HA is sky rocketing. I was concerned about the yellow colour of one of my nipples yesterday and while I was checking it I noticed a black spec on it. I gently took it off with my fingernail but it kept reappearing, as if it's coming from inside the nipple. I've been checking it today and it comes and goes. If I remove it it comes back again, maybe an hour or two later. This is scaring me. I've never even heard of anything like this and of course I'm imagining the worst.
I'd be grateful if anyone has any advice on this one. I came so close to googling a while ago but managed to stop myself........
BrokenGirl
23-11-17, 20:16
Anyone at all know what this could possibly be?
I know it sounds a bit silly but it's really getting to me.
I can't help imagining the worst because I have no clue what it could be......
The doctor's intentions are good but despite the reasons totally in the OP's favor, she only sees the negative. Thus is the nature of anxiety and HA. There's absolutely no scientific professional reason to be concerned but the dragon blinds the victim to only thinking the worse :weep:
I'll put a "Told ya so" on the shelf for when you get a clean result.
Positive thoughts
BrokenGirl
25-11-17, 19:11
I do hope you're right Fishman, and i know you usually are.
But this is scaring me and I caved in today and googled......... I know, how stupid can I be, what did I expect.
But the only people who seem to have black specs coming out of their nipples are pregnant women - and I'm 100% NOT pregnant.
Surely there's somebody on here who's had it and not been pregnant.
Cause I don't believe I'm over reacting by being so worried!
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