n3r0x1k
15-11-17, 02:41
Hey everyone,
note: I may sound incoherent, I'm very jittery and a bit confused right now.
I'm a 35 yr old male, GAD + panic disorder & health anxiety on all that's cardiovascular related. I've smoked for nearly 20 years now, 2-3 packs a day till last year when I had quit cold turkey for FIVE days straight and was so stupid as to relapse because I was tired of feeling as though my mind was really foggy and unable to concentrate so just wanted "one cigarette" to feel normal again for an hr or so, but as we all know, that almosy always brings you back to square one, which it did. Had I known that feeling impaired/diminished cognitive functions were (at day 5) almost over with and about to get better, it would've helped me but what is done is done, now I have to focus on the now.
So the past year I've constantly been in "this week I'm quitting" mode, and this time around I've been smoking anywhere between half to a whole pack (25 smokes) per day this time. Today I decided "Today is the day", also because I ran out of money AND because I'm sick of borrowing from friends (lost my job and that's also a reason I wanna quit, take this time while I don't have 9-5's as an excuse to relapse). I've tried one day only of NRT such as nicotine gum, etc, and whether they were psychosaumatic or not, I felt these insane ectopics (heart) and they just scare me so I wanna do this the real cold turkey way.
Thing is: I'm having an extremely difficult time not to go grab a cigarette (I have a few left) because I feel so horrible. I also start hyperventilating from panic (not constantly, sometimes just heightened anxiety) which I was already struggling with (panic) the past 3 years that it had come back (non-nicotine related) but things were starting to get better, but now, without the nicotine, I just feel so vulnerable in general and vulnerable to them (panic) and I can't wrap my head around this. What I also fear is the general timeline many sites quote: 3-5 days to a few weeks. Like, although extremely unbearable, I know that if the worst part of it was gone after week 1, I'd be more likely to keep holding on, but I don't know if I can do 3 weeks this way. I'm not asking for promises that it'll get better, just maybe better knowledge or reassurance, or if anyone experienced a hard time with quitting smoking, etc, your stories would also benefit me.
It's really hard for me to think long-term when I'm in this withdrawal mode, the kind of thinking that says "you're feeling shitty and anxious as hell right now, but think about next week", cuz I'm only thinking NOW NOW NOW. I'm so fed up of this stupid cycle but then when I start hyperventilating and/or having heart rhythm problems due to heightened anxiety, which often leads to panic, I really have a hard time not lighting one up.
Can anyone help me, no matter your background. Quitting smokinh is so hard but I think my biggest problem with it is the demon (anxiety & panic) it awakes even harder in me, which I've become accustomed to listen to more than rationale.
EDIT p.s.: I also fear, as irrational as it may sound, that maybe quitting could kill me, that maybe the anxiety/panic will get so high with no nitoctine induced release of serotonin/dopamine that my heart will just give out from quitting, that maybe after 20 years, my body & brain have just become too accustomed to nicotine. Right now as of writing this post, my anxiety lowered a bit and I realize this may be untrue, in that the body "quickly" adjusts back to a non-nicotine fed brain, but still, it scares me
note: I may sound incoherent, I'm very jittery and a bit confused right now.
I'm a 35 yr old male, GAD + panic disorder & health anxiety on all that's cardiovascular related. I've smoked for nearly 20 years now, 2-3 packs a day till last year when I had quit cold turkey for FIVE days straight and was so stupid as to relapse because I was tired of feeling as though my mind was really foggy and unable to concentrate so just wanted "one cigarette" to feel normal again for an hr or so, but as we all know, that almosy always brings you back to square one, which it did. Had I known that feeling impaired/diminished cognitive functions were (at day 5) almost over with and about to get better, it would've helped me but what is done is done, now I have to focus on the now.
So the past year I've constantly been in "this week I'm quitting" mode, and this time around I've been smoking anywhere between half to a whole pack (25 smokes) per day this time. Today I decided "Today is the day", also because I ran out of money AND because I'm sick of borrowing from friends (lost my job and that's also a reason I wanna quit, take this time while I don't have 9-5's as an excuse to relapse). I've tried one day only of NRT such as nicotine gum, etc, and whether they were psychosaumatic or not, I felt these insane ectopics (heart) and they just scare me so I wanna do this the real cold turkey way.
Thing is: I'm having an extremely difficult time not to go grab a cigarette (I have a few left) because I feel so horrible. I also start hyperventilating from panic (not constantly, sometimes just heightened anxiety) which I was already struggling with (panic) the past 3 years that it had come back (non-nicotine related) but things were starting to get better, but now, without the nicotine, I just feel so vulnerable in general and vulnerable to them (panic) and I can't wrap my head around this. What I also fear is the general timeline many sites quote: 3-5 days to a few weeks. Like, although extremely unbearable, I know that if the worst part of it was gone after week 1, I'd be more likely to keep holding on, but I don't know if I can do 3 weeks this way. I'm not asking for promises that it'll get better, just maybe better knowledge or reassurance, or if anyone experienced a hard time with quitting smoking, etc, your stories would also benefit me.
It's really hard for me to think long-term when I'm in this withdrawal mode, the kind of thinking that says "you're feeling shitty and anxious as hell right now, but think about next week", cuz I'm only thinking NOW NOW NOW. I'm so fed up of this stupid cycle but then when I start hyperventilating and/or having heart rhythm problems due to heightened anxiety, which often leads to panic, I really have a hard time not lighting one up.
Can anyone help me, no matter your background. Quitting smokinh is so hard but I think my biggest problem with it is the demon (anxiety & panic) it awakes even harder in me, which I've become accustomed to listen to more than rationale.
EDIT p.s.: I also fear, as irrational as it may sound, that maybe quitting could kill me, that maybe the anxiety/panic will get so high with no nitoctine induced release of serotonin/dopamine that my heart will just give out from quitting, that maybe after 20 years, my body & brain have just become too accustomed to nicotine. Right now as of writing this post, my anxiety lowered a bit and I realize this may be untrue, in that the body "quickly" adjusts back to a non-nicotine fed brain, but still, it scares me