jimbobjoho
16-11-17, 18:24
Not sure why I'm posting on here, just want to see if anyone has had a similar experience because I'm completely lost at the moment and my anxiety is really making me suffer.
I won't go into all the details fully, but basically I have been back home for about 3 months now after being abroad in Hong Kong for 5 and a half years after working and living in London.
I moved over there for a few reasons, mainly because my father had just moved there from China with my two younger half sisters who I wanted to bond with; I also met a girl in Beijing a couple years earlier with whom I was having a long distance relationship with and wanted to be with her, and also had the grand idea of moving out there to concentrate on writing music (in hindsight a pretty crazy decision)
About 2 and a half years into the trip I had to come home for the funeral of my grandad. Obviously not the best thing to come back for, but at some point during my trip back in England, and whilst seeing my friends in London, I had my first full blown panic attack that ended with me in the back of an ambulance calming down as I was convinced I was having a heart attack. This is when my life changed massively.
I went back to HK, saw a psychiatrist and was put on Lexapro... I lived out there for another 3 years (and two more gf's later) but then about 4 months ago sunk into another bout of severe anxiety and depression that kept me inside my room for a few weeks not wanting to get out of bed and just wanting to sleep to escape the misery.
After many chats with my mum back home and chats with my dad over there (who were both extremely worried about my health), some how it came to the conclusion that I had to come home and live back with my mum and repair myself here. And wow what a shock to the system it is trying to repatriate... was not ready in the slightest.
Now I'm back in my hometown where I don't know anyone, I've got a few friends in London who I'm trying to see but don't feel like I'm bonding with them anymore.
Basically it feels like I'm trying to rebuild my life from scratch. I haven't lived in my hometown for like 8 years, and obviously living back at home at 28 yo is a bit of a shock. I've had constant anxiety since being back, thinking of all the things I need to do - find a job/career, find somewhere to live and decide where that should be, and even figure out what I actually do in my days.... it's like I've forgotten who I am and don't know how to live in my own home country!
I'm seeing a therapist, which is ok I guess, it's good talking past life events through, and have a psychiatrist appointment this coming Monday. Really don't want to be on meds again (came off lexapro as I didn't feel like it was helping... felt good for a bit but now just feel in a constant state of panic) as I don't wanna become dependant and just feel like I want to do it without them.
I basically feel like I'm completely alone.... I pretty much am. Don't know anyone in my hometown, and don't do anything here, and then when I think about moving to London again for some work I just get freaked out by the whole concept because I don't know if I want to be there... every time I've been there since being back I haven't exactly enjoyed it or liked it... and its so bloody expensive. I know I need to find a job but trying to decide where I want to be (basically want to be somewhere where I have some roots, or a bit more of a base) I realise that I don't have a base anywhere... and it frightens the life out of me.
I just don't know which way is forward. I'm sick of hanging around the house on my own with no interest in doing anything and having no one to talk to... It's really getting to me and making me seriously depressed.
I know this is a pretty long post but it actually felt good getting it all off my chest. Would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience, and even better someone who would like to chat about it! Haven't had a good with someone for months :(
Thanks if you've read this!
I won't go into all the details fully, but basically I have been back home for about 3 months now after being abroad in Hong Kong for 5 and a half years after working and living in London.
I moved over there for a few reasons, mainly because my father had just moved there from China with my two younger half sisters who I wanted to bond with; I also met a girl in Beijing a couple years earlier with whom I was having a long distance relationship with and wanted to be with her, and also had the grand idea of moving out there to concentrate on writing music (in hindsight a pretty crazy decision)
About 2 and a half years into the trip I had to come home for the funeral of my grandad. Obviously not the best thing to come back for, but at some point during my trip back in England, and whilst seeing my friends in London, I had my first full blown panic attack that ended with me in the back of an ambulance calming down as I was convinced I was having a heart attack. This is when my life changed massively.
I went back to HK, saw a psychiatrist and was put on Lexapro... I lived out there for another 3 years (and two more gf's later) but then about 4 months ago sunk into another bout of severe anxiety and depression that kept me inside my room for a few weeks not wanting to get out of bed and just wanting to sleep to escape the misery.
After many chats with my mum back home and chats with my dad over there (who were both extremely worried about my health), some how it came to the conclusion that I had to come home and live back with my mum and repair myself here. And wow what a shock to the system it is trying to repatriate... was not ready in the slightest.
Now I'm back in my hometown where I don't know anyone, I've got a few friends in London who I'm trying to see but don't feel like I'm bonding with them anymore.
Basically it feels like I'm trying to rebuild my life from scratch. I haven't lived in my hometown for like 8 years, and obviously living back at home at 28 yo is a bit of a shock. I've had constant anxiety since being back, thinking of all the things I need to do - find a job/career, find somewhere to live and decide where that should be, and even figure out what I actually do in my days.... it's like I've forgotten who I am and don't know how to live in my own home country!
I'm seeing a therapist, which is ok I guess, it's good talking past life events through, and have a psychiatrist appointment this coming Monday. Really don't want to be on meds again (came off lexapro as I didn't feel like it was helping... felt good for a bit but now just feel in a constant state of panic) as I don't wanna become dependant and just feel like I want to do it without them.
I basically feel like I'm completely alone.... I pretty much am. Don't know anyone in my hometown, and don't do anything here, and then when I think about moving to London again for some work I just get freaked out by the whole concept because I don't know if I want to be there... every time I've been there since being back I haven't exactly enjoyed it or liked it... and its so bloody expensive. I know I need to find a job but trying to decide where I want to be (basically want to be somewhere where I have some roots, or a bit more of a base) I realise that I don't have a base anywhere... and it frightens the life out of me.
I just don't know which way is forward. I'm sick of hanging around the house on my own with no interest in doing anything and having no one to talk to... It's really getting to me and making me seriously depressed.
I know this is a pretty long post but it actually felt good getting it all off my chest. Would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience, and even better someone who would like to chat about it! Haven't had a good with someone for months :(
Thanks if you've read this!