please help I don't know what to do!

[Scared_11]

Hi everyone,

I am lying here frozen in fear and terrified of what my mind is capable of.



i am currently having a relapse of my OCD which centres mainly around depression/suicide.

tgis has been building back up for afew weeks now and I am fully back in the throws of this OCD battle.

i was starting to feel realy low the last few weeks and worrying that I was slipping back and after having too much to drink at the weekend I realy struggling.

anyway I heard some terrible news about a girl I know killing herself yesterday and this has spiked me massively. I didn't know her too well just mainly through social media but I know that she suffered with anxiety and depression.

i was physically shaking and almost vomited when I heard the news it spiked me so much. I have been frozen in fear ever since. I have spent the last 2 days looking for similarities between me and her when the truth is I don't realy know much about her. But still I find myself putting myself in the same category and I am terrified this will also be my fate.

anyway I was relaxing in the bath earlier on and having a huge mental battle trying to convince myself I am 'not the type' of person to carry out something like that. And telling myself 'people make a plan to kill themselves' they feel relief from it, write a note, set a date etc etc all to reassure myself that that's not me.

so then my brain started to convince me that's what I was doing. Telling me I feel relief thinking of it, then a date popped in my head and I thought yes that's the date I'll do and I will want to.



and now I feel sick to my stomach and scared that my brain is going to talk me into acting on these thoughts.

I am terrified that I am going to talk myself into it.

[Scared_11]

Realy upset that I havnt had any response to my post.

I just don't know what to do with myself at the moment but thoughts are constant and I am loving each day in total despair and pain (feeding my suicide intrusive thoughts) I think.

I have recently upped my medication (5 days ago) and am waiting for a course of CBT but I am so scared of myself in the meantime.

[Azzbo]

I've set dates before and when the date comes around I always find myself pushing it back because I want more time to fix myself. I'm not really sure what advice I can give you other than try to relax and find somebody you can talk openly with.

Do something to take your mind of it, try listening to some music or researching something fun. I know it can get really hard but you have to fight through it and you will. Find someone to talk with and talk out your issues.

Heres a quote I love- Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

Be nice to yourself :bighug1:

[Scared_11]

I know that suicide is not something I want, it's always been the biggest fear of mine.

So I think this is a form of OCD.
I get triggered when hearing of other people who have committed suicide. I never used to be able to say the word or even type it.
I took myself to a and e years ago coz I was so afraid that I was suicidal. I wanted to be locked in a room so I was protected from myself. I fear being alone just incase. I fear depression massively. I fear I am going to be so obsessed with it I will be desensitised. I fear just the very fact I can't stop these constant intrusions images and urges that I will eventually want it. I worry if I feel any type of relief when the thoughts comes into my head. Like that means I want it and I am in danger. I fear I will choose it.

But this level of anxiety and depression I am feeling at the moment is terrifying me and I feel like I can't cope with it any longer (spiking the OCD)

[milliemoo]

Hey there, I just wanted to reach out to you...

I know exactly where you are coming from I’ve been there on many occasions, my ocd centres around depression and suicide like yours, although I can manage those thoughts to a certain extent.

You just need to know you will never act on these thoughts, just because you think them doesn’t mean it’s true....

Are you in any medication?

I’m here to chat anytime..

[Scared_11]

Yea I have just recently upped my sertraline from 50-100mg.

I feel horrific today, it truly feels real, the thoughts are constant and I am questioning whether I am realy suicidal now. I can't cope with this feeling of anxiety and depression and that is scaring me.