mosoly
17-11-17, 21:26
Hi, I'm new here. Just wanted to get some thoughts on a situation i'm in.
I have suffered with anxiety of various degrees since childhood. It seems to come in waves where I can be "okay" for up to a year and then sink into a black hole. The last few months I feel like I have been in a black hole. After a handful of really bad panic attacks and difficulty motivating myself to get to work, I went back to my doctor who put me back on medication and signed me off for a few weeks. She thinks I need more constant, long-term treatment which I agree with.
Over a year ago, when I felt great, I booked a really exciting 3 week trip around South East Asia over Christmas this year. I have been excited about it for months and months, but I had a huge panic attack about it the other day and sent be into a spiral of irrational thinking about the whole trip. I basically convinced myself I was going to die (to the point where i told my mum not to book a room for me on a weekend away in Spring because I was sure I wasn't going to make it home alive). I was dead set on cancelling the whole trip as I did not think I could cope with it at all. It's that panic attack that triggered me to head to the doctor as I felt completely out of control with my emotions and going to work felt impossible.
It's now couple of days later and whilst I still don't feel well, I feel a bit better with my thoughts on the trip, the fog has lifted and I can see things a bit more rationally. I still really want to go, as I don't want my anxiety to stop be from challenging myself and doing things I really want to do. I have a history of struggling with travel and once abandoned a long trip just a few days in that knocked my confidence terribly. I regretted it for a long time and don't want to make the same mistake.
After some rational discussions with my Mum, I thought I had made my mind up over the last few days that I DO want to go. But instead of finding peace in that decision, I am now stressed out with worry that my employer (and friends!) are going to think "How are you so anxious you can't go to work, but not so anxious you can travel around another continent for three weeks???"
When I think about that, it makes sense! I don't know how I am meant to justify that. Surely if I think I can do that trip in 5 weeks, I can bloody well go to work on Monday????
Now I am stressed about that and want to push myself to go to work on Monday despite being signed off. I've convinced myself that if I get back as soon as possible I will feel better quicker for my trip and people wont judge me so much. I just feel so stressed and overwhelmed with all these choices and decisions and thoughts. Some days I feel like I am in a black hole and i cant achieve anything. But other days, like today, I wake up feeling a bit better and clearer - and in turn that makes me feel like a total fake.
How can I do ANYTHING if I am so sick I can't work!!? Let alone go on a trip around Asia! How can people take my anxiety seriously if im seen achieving things and having a good time? It makes me feel sick worrying about what people think and its making my judgement on whether I should go on the trip even harder.
Has anyone dealt with anything similar?? :( Any advice?
I have suffered with anxiety of various degrees since childhood. It seems to come in waves where I can be "okay" for up to a year and then sink into a black hole. The last few months I feel like I have been in a black hole. After a handful of really bad panic attacks and difficulty motivating myself to get to work, I went back to my doctor who put me back on medication and signed me off for a few weeks. She thinks I need more constant, long-term treatment which I agree with.
Over a year ago, when I felt great, I booked a really exciting 3 week trip around South East Asia over Christmas this year. I have been excited about it for months and months, but I had a huge panic attack about it the other day and sent be into a spiral of irrational thinking about the whole trip. I basically convinced myself I was going to die (to the point where i told my mum not to book a room for me on a weekend away in Spring because I was sure I wasn't going to make it home alive). I was dead set on cancelling the whole trip as I did not think I could cope with it at all. It's that panic attack that triggered me to head to the doctor as I felt completely out of control with my emotions and going to work felt impossible.
It's now couple of days later and whilst I still don't feel well, I feel a bit better with my thoughts on the trip, the fog has lifted and I can see things a bit more rationally. I still really want to go, as I don't want my anxiety to stop be from challenging myself and doing things I really want to do. I have a history of struggling with travel and once abandoned a long trip just a few days in that knocked my confidence terribly. I regretted it for a long time and don't want to make the same mistake.
After some rational discussions with my Mum, I thought I had made my mind up over the last few days that I DO want to go. But instead of finding peace in that decision, I am now stressed out with worry that my employer (and friends!) are going to think "How are you so anxious you can't go to work, but not so anxious you can travel around another continent for three weeks???"
When I think about that, it makes sense! I don't know how I am meant to justify that. Surely if I think I can do that trip in 5 weeks, I can bloody well go to work on Monday????
Now I am stressed about that and want to push myself to go to work on Monday despite being signed off. I've convinced myself that if I get back as soon as possible I will feel better quicker for my trip and people wont judge me so much. I just feel so stressed and overwhelmed with all these choices and decisions and thoughts. Some days I feel like I am in a black hole and i cant achieve anything. But other days, like today, I wake up feeling a bit better and clearer - and in turn that makes me feel like a total fake.
How can I do ANYTHING if I am so sick I can't work!!? Let alone go on a trip around Asia! How can people take my anxiety seriously if im seen achieving things and having a good time? It makes me feel sick worrying about what people think and its making my judgement on whether I should go on the trip even harder.
Has anyone dealt with anything similar?? :( Any advice?