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View Full Version : Totally going crazy again..



Tiatyrah
25-11-17, 09:36
Hello, it's the first time I post a topic here but been reading quite some topics so far.

It all started 1 and a half year ago with a pea sized bump on the back of my neck under the hair line. I was convinced it was lymphoma, I have had it checked by 2 different doctors and a ent and they said it was fine and my own doctor said it was a muscle knot, but the first time I went to see him he said if the thing got bigger I had to return to him but the second time he said it was a muscle knot.

It's still there now and I have been touching it, squeezing it last year to a point it gotten very sore, big as a golf ball and bruised. I stopped touching it after that and it's still there now, pea sized, sometimes it's harder and sometimes it's quite soft.

I can say that I'm no longer worried about that one because it's not gotten any bigger at all and it's been a year since I first noticed it, it might have been there for years even and that I just noticed it last year. I did have a terrible itch on my head for weeks!! So I thought that was another symptom of lymphoma but that itch went away after a week or so and later returned twice and now I didn't have it anymore, I'm not sure yet where the itch came from, maybe a allergy? Maybe because I have been dying my hair for years now? But I didn't experience the itch before in my life. Still don't know that but it hasn't returned for months now.

Later on I thought I had cancer in my colon, I felt a lump there and well (sorry) my stool isn't always normal, had massive pain on the right side under my ribs to a point that I couldn't walk and had to stand still till the pain stopped. Been to 2 different doctors for this and they didn't feel anything wrong at all. My own doctor said I had ibs, first I didn't believe him of course and I'm not really stressed about it right now. Taking medication for the ibs and I haven't had the pain again.

Then I was worried about lymphoma in my neck again, the right side I had my worries first.. My right side of my neck is bigger and harder than my left side. Also I feel little balls, pea sized, things there that I learned were lymph nodes, weird.. I can feel nodes? Were they there for years or did they just popped up? And why is my right side bigger and harder than my left? I don't know.. I still worry about it and I'm scared there's a big ball sized node somewhere under the muscles or something that makes the right side that way.. Asked one doctor about it and he said that no one was symmetrical and basicly laughed at me. I also have massaged that part after that, used muscle balms and it only gave me a sore neck and muscles that started to hurt. I have been coughing in the night a few times too, a dry cough that woke me up and felt like I couldn't breathe!

When I have my normal mind it tells me that it could be the weather and allergies from the trees and grass etc, or maybe the mold in the house or dusty room that I didn't clean for weeks because I'm so busy in my head about lymphoma! That cough didn't return since summer, I remember I had the same cough last summer during my driving lessons.. Maybe it's just related to the weather at that point? Right now I'm terrified again, I feel something on the left side in my neck, I think it's a node again which is swollen but maybe it's a muscle too! I feel a soft bump there, when I move my finger over it I feel a soft bump, not hard and I can't grab it or something and when I push deeper I feel a tiny pea sized ball there that seems to be stuck on a vein or whatever it is there.

I have many pea sized balls in my neck and above my collarbone too. Been to my doctor 7 november again asking if he could check my nodes in my neck and collarbone, he did and he said I had nothing to worry about since they were all small/very small. When I move my head to the left side where I feel this bump, it's gone, can't feel it anymore, yeah the pea sized thing I can feel then too but I have to push deep to feel it but the bump is gone.

Am I going crazy? Am I really fine? Or are doctors just so blind and think I'm the crazy person and let me go home.. Or are they sure its all too late and that I'm near my end? I also have a little weight loss but I started working out on a threadmill and a cross trainer since last month, I bike for an hour and I walk/run for an half hour after it.

Can someone please give their opinion? It's been more than a year now of constant fear of lymphoma and doctors keep telling me im fine! And can someone tell how a lymphoma node is suppose to feel? Is it always there even when you move your head in certain directions so nothing can be felt?

Ugh.. Sorry for the long post and I hope someone can give her/his opinion about this.

Tiatyrah
25-11-17, 15:47
No one?

Fishmanpa
25-11-17, 19:52
I see you're new. Welcome :) This site can be very helpful if you use it correctly. By that I mean there are resources that can point you in the right direction to healing. However, many times as you'll see when you read, that can perpetuate the cycle of anxiety. I've been around here for a while and here's my take coming from a survivor's perspective....

You're not going crazy but you sure have a hell of lot of self examination behaviors/compulsions going on. I can't imagine how much you had to play with that node to have it swell that much!

You're fine physically from what you said about doctors and tests so what does that leave? And you're posting on this forum after all so I believe you know deep down what's going on ;)

There's a great CBT program that's FREE (see my signature). I don't know if you're currently treating your anxiety but regardless, it's some pretty good stuff.

Positive thoughts

Tiatyrah
25-11-17, 20:33
Thank you for your reply, I do want to ask you if you forget the doctor their opinions and what they've told me, what do you think? Should I be worried?

There are days that I can say to myself "I'm fine, it's all in my head, I don't have cancer and it's normal to be able to feel those nodes! Many people can!" But most days I'm just convinced I have cancer.

I will check the program out for sure btw, thanks for that too!

Fishmanpa
25-11-17, 20:44
Thank you for your reply, I do want to ask you if you forget the doctor their opinions and what they've told me, what do you think? Should I be worried?

Respectfully, from your post...

I have had it checked by 2 different doctors and a ent and they said it was fine and my own doctor said it was a muscle knot, but the first time I went to see him he said if the thing got bigger I had to return to him but the second time he said it was a muscle knot.

Been to 2 different doctors for this and they didn't feel anything wrong at all. My own doctor said I had ibs, first I didn't believe him of course and I'm not really stressed about it right now. Taking medication for the ibs and I haven't had the pain again.

Asked one doctor about it and he said that no one was symmetrical and basicly laughed at me.

What's the answer?

Positive thoughts

Tiatyrah
25-11-17, 21:29
I think you think I shouldn't worry? It's normal to be able to feel some lymph nodes, isn't it?

Fishmanpa
25-11-17, 21:42
It's normal to be able to feel some lymph nodes, isn't it?

Isn't it? :winks:

Positive thoughts

Tiatyrah
25-11-17, 21:48
That is what I ask you, it is normal right?

Fishmanpa
25-11-17, 22:05
That is what I ask you, it is normal right?

Ok... Here's a snack for your dragon ;) We have 400-600 nodes in our bodies. At any given time, if you poke and prod enough, you're bound to feel a few.

Positive thoughts

AntsyVee
25-11-17, 22:07
You're not seeing the forest for the trees here.

Tiatyrah
25-11-17, 22:38
I think that too Fishmanpa when I think with a normal mind.. But mostly that is not the case.

What do you mean AntsyVee?

AntsyVee
26-11-17, 02:09
Your HA is so out of control that you can't even realize that you've gotten a clean bill of health from the doc.

Tiatyrah
26-11-17, 13:47
Oh you meant that.. Yes perhaps you are right and I think the same when I don't think I have cancer but the fact that I can feel lymph nodes in my neck just makes me think those things.

Now I'm just scared of something in the side of my neck where I feel a bump when I move my fingers in my neck, it's soft and only when I press deeper I can feel a pea sized node but I don't why the skin above it is swollen and not flat like the other side. Might be a muscle even.. I don't know :(

Tiatyrah
27-11-17, 14:15
That I feel pea sized nodes is normal right? Those aren't swollen nodes?

AntsyVee
28-11-17, 04:18
Quit picking at them. It does no good.

Tiatyrah
28-11-17, 07:48
Not picking, well trying my best not to. But the fact that I can feel pea sized nodes is normal right?

Fishmanpa
28-11-17, 11:48
Not picking, well trying my best not to. But the fact that I can feel pea sized nodes is normal right?

Please read what I wrote previously on the thread :)

Positive thoughts

Tiatyrah
28-11-17, 16:40
Sorry, you are right.. You basically already answered that question in your previous post.