New Relationship - Scared anxiety will ruin it!!

[gentlesoul]

Hello!

My name is Laura, I'm 38. Started new relationship in past few months and suddenly gotten anxiety (panic attacks, breathing problems, loss of appetite etc).

This is my first time with anxiety - previously had depression and managed it with CBT and self-compassion. Am scared!

I basically can't work out if these feelings/reactions are because

a) he's just not right for me

b) it's just anxiety triggered by a new relationship/impending commitment/my circumstances..

I've been single for 8 years! I have gotten SO used to it - am super independent, travel with work (journalist). Been very hurt before, have stupidly high standards, usually go for emotionally unavailable men.

This guy is lovely - and he started as a friend. We've gone from a few dates to intense weekends together (as I live in Essex and he's in Kent) as it's easier to manage doing weekends every few weeks than dates. So suddenly I'M spending 40 hours with him, no space to breathe or be upset, in middle of nowhere (he lives out of town).

I went from being all excited and having fun to anxiety on and off when with him. I wake up next to him and can't breathe, I pick at everything he does (convincing myself he's not right for me because he doesn't meet my perfect partner checklist). My mind won't shut up. I want to run away.

I am thinking of ending it as don't want to feel this bad anymore. Though my family/friends have piled on pressure saying I am ruining something good. Because of my age EVERYONE keeps telling me I need to hurry up and settle down!

Also he's vulnerable - he has depression and the more I pull away the more he gets a bit needy and worried.

Have I just realised he's not quite right for me (not always sure we have much in common or have flowing chat - he's younger than me and sometimes seems immature) OR is my mind trying to ruin it?

Maybe I am just not ready for a relationship?

SORRY this is long. I am just so upset that I feel like this - am kind of desperate to be loved, sick of being lonely but terrified of commitment and intensity.

The anxiety leaves me exhausted, unable to eat properly when with him, panicking on the drive up to his, crying when am not with him as feel like a freak. Scared to be alone again. Worried I'll always ruin relationships.

x

[Chocolateface]

Hi

In all honesty it sounds like you are trying to go too fast with the relationship rather than late it develop over time. You say you do intense weekends together as these are easier and I get why you are doing that but seriously a weekend with someone and no breaks when you are used to being on your own can be hard work. Is there anyway in your weekends that you can plan any individual things even if just for an hour, or do something together but separate like a bike ride etc, where you are together but also on your own as you can't talk as much, or something like that.

Oh and you don't need to hurry up if you don't want too go at your pace not what everyone else thinks.

Hope it works out for you both

C

[gentlesoul]

Thanks so much - so useful, great suggestions.

I think he wanted to take it fast, more than me. And my friends/family have gotten carried away - adding pressure to it I think (as I've been single so long).

I think I almost wanted to prove to myself I'm not a freak and that I can do relationships so probably dove in headfirst to make up for all the alone time!!

We've slowed down and arranged some weekly 'dates' instead which has helped - but my anxiety is still hovering - future panic about it not working out. Obsessive thoughts about it which ruins my enjoyment of getting to know him, and is driving me mad!

[Luna-Diana]

Hi there,

I find myself in a similar position. Started seeing someone and they are genuinely nice and it's as if I don't know how to process it.

It's been going a bit too fast, and I've asked for space and to take things slower and they seemed really understanding. But I still feel like it's too much. They text good morning and night with pet names and it's just a bit overwhelming. I know it seems a daft thing to dwell on but it's all a bit much with my anxiety.

[gentlesoul]

Hi Luna-Diana

I know exactly what you mean! I'm not used to texting that much and he texts every day. And before I go to bed - which is really sweet but I feel guilty if I don't text back straight away and it feels like even though we've now gone to doing one date a week which is helping, I still feel like I can't get any mental space to clarify my feelings - because of daily contact.

I just now feel guilty for him being so nice to me and me being so distant and weird. I feel sort of numb now - like I can't relax around him or enjoy it. My brain just keeps picking flaws and it makes me feel more guilty/bad. I know I'm going to ruin it. And my friends keep asking why I'm not excited and in love!

x