Fighting Hard, Still Feel Like I'm Losing

[incunables]

I have a growth on my tonsil that I've always had. It has started changing over the last week, and is now bright red at the end with a tiny white patch. That, combined with a lump in my throat feeling, has me convinced it's cancer (obviously). Now, I have never been right about any of my self-diagnosis. I don't have leukemia, MS, brain cancer, Parkinson's, malaria, etc., so I'm trying to give the spots time to heal and not to panic about this, but it's really, really hard. I've gotten better about dealing with symptoms that could be mental, but anxiety doesn't cause red and white spots on polyp, so I can't dismiss it as just me. I'm terrified to go to the doctor because of what they might tell me, but I'm also terrified of letting myself stay here and Google all afternoon. I went for a run last night, and am supposed to have class in a couple of hours, if I can make myself leave Dr. Google and actually go. I'm then meeting someone at the gym tonight. Those things are really good for me, but right now they're not enough. I'm trying to resist this spiral, but it's sucking me in and I'm not sure what to do. What works for you when you're right on the brink? The hole I'm staring into is just so dark, and I want to avoid it if I can.

[Fishmanpa]

I responded to one of your previous posts on this and I stand by that.

Positive thoughts

[incunables]

Thank you, Fishmanpa. I've actually gone back to look at your comment several times and have tried to keep it in mind. It's the physical changes that are freaking me out, some of which have come about recently. Part of why I keep running is to prove to myself that I'm getting stronger, not weaker. The logic should be enough, but HA is almost laughably unreasonable. I'll keep working on it, and will try to remember (and absorb) what you said.

[O_O]

If anything, it sounds like it may have a little infection? I would probably go to the doctor to have them take a look. You might need antibiotics. Doesn't sound like cancer though!

[incunables]

Thanks, O_o! Yes, that's what the rational person would indeed think, and I'm hoping to be able to get myself together enough to believe it so I can go and get whatever this is taken care of. In good news, I went to class and went to the gym, so I've made healthy choices, even if I'm not feeling the benefits of them yet. This is certainly a learning process.