Dealing with my wife's health anxiety after a miscarriage

[Messy]

Hi,
To cut a long story short, back in the summer we had a miscarriage after quite a complicated and difficult time trying to get pregnant. It was awful for all of us, and for my wife especially, she was heartbroken. Still is. Luckily we have a great family around us who have made things easier, but I don't think either of us realised just how horrible something like that is.

My wife started to panic massively about her health. Immediately in the aftermath of the miscarriage she started having panic attacks and losing her breath, and became convinced that she had a blood clot which was causing her breathlessness, so we got into what felt like a neverending cycle of trips to the doctors, the walk in centre and then to A&E where they ran test after test and kept telling her she was fine and it was anxiety. It took its toll on me as well, will never forget how horrific it felt to have to run home from work after getting a call from my mother in law saying they'd rushed her into A&E.

She never believed the doctors who were telling her she was ok. She kept saying that there was something 'not right' and for all we all tried to tell her that it was part of the natural process, she never believed it and the trips to the doctor, worries about her health just seemed to grow and grow.

Now five months on, we're still there. Blood clot, DVT, pains that she thought were something sinister, now strange periods where she has her usual period then continues spotting for a few days, stops, then starts again - which now she thinks means she has cervical cancer.

To be honest, I've started really struggling with this. Last night we had an argument about it and I feel bad because I know I SHOULD be supporting her and being calm, rational - but my problem is that I'm the same. I catastrophise things, feel stress symptoms like palpitations etc and I'm feeling like I can't deal with it. I'm starting to feel myself blaming her for making me feel like I am, too. I feel like much more of this and I'm going to collapse in a heap. I feel like ever since it happened, I've been day to day living terrified about her. What if there is something wrong? What if she's right? What if the doctors are wrong? What if she's not there anymore? But I feel this anger inside me, that I've never been able to cope with the actual miscarriage - I don't even think about it really, just her, how much I love her and how sick I am of her not accepting that every doctor says she's fine and constantly finding new ailments to obsess over. I just want us to start recovering but it seems every time I think that's starting to happen, something new comes up and we're waiting on more tests or another trip to the walk-in centre, or something. And after months of it, it's getting too much and putting a strain on everything.

To be honest, partly I just wanted to type this out for my own sanity, but it would be interesting to hear if anyone else has any experience of this. :)

[Blonde123]

Hi Messy
I think what your both going through is totally understandable and most people would feel the same. Whilst I cant say Ive experienced the same things as you described I just wanted to send bigs hugs and let you know people are thinking of you in this difficult time. Most people with HA have a defined moment in time where their anxiety was triggered by an event and this seems like your wifes. Just be patient and there for her, I know it is a loss for you both but your wife is physically going through a loss as well. Its so sad, I wish you both well for the future, please don't argue xx

[tmckenzie-orr]

Definately sounded you needed to vent out what’s on your mind, it’s horrible about the miscarriage but these things happen, she needs to get her head right and make sure she gets councilling and proper help so she can trust the doctors diagnosis, if not it’s going to get worse and worse and will drag you down into it too, best of luck

[O_O]

Just so you know, I understand how your wife feels. I had a missed miscarriage (my second miscarriage) in August and though I coped well at first I had a breakdown part way through the miscarriage because everything went so wrong.

I thought I would die under general anaesthetic when they said I'd need a D&C (this was definitely the worst part, which triggered all future fears) but even when I managed to get an MVA under a local anaesthetic at another hospital things were still bad. I thought I developed angina from anaemia, I thought the MVA would perforate my womb, I thought I had some form of gestational trophoblastic disease, I thought I had an ovarian cyst that would never go away, and now I think I have cervical cancer.

None of these things came true (yet!) but they were all based on real symptoms... such as them finding a benign follicular cyst on my ovary, my HCG dropping slowly after the miscarriage, and now weird pelvic pains and a red area on my cervix. I'm seeing a gynecologist about this next week. I still think I might get GTD in the future because the placenta was so reluctant to come away from my womb, even after two lots of misoprostol and an MVA, so I think it was too tightly attached and there is still some tissue left at the placental site which will become cancer.

I too have had times, earlier on, when I thought I was getting better. I'd go back to work and return to normality... but then something would happen to set me back. Normally something to do with retained tissue, which I did have a genuine problem with, but wasn't perhaps as serious as I thought at the time. Now, I'm scared to even try to return to normality in case I'm knocked down again. So I just hide. I hope the gynecology appointment goes well, but even if it does... will there be something else?

Like you, I've been so wrapped up in the health problems that I haven't had much time to process the miscarriage and grieve for the baby that I loved. Occasionally I'll have moments when my anxiety subsides and I'll think about the baby and feel very sad. And other less healthy emotions such as anger, and jealousy towards happy couples with children...

So I'm by no means through it. I don't have a partner now, and I've basically collapsed and become nonfunctional and am staying with my mother. So I can't offer much advice to your wife. But I do understand what she's going through. I hope we both get through this.

[incunables]

Messy, I have no good advice since I'm still very much in the "I need help" group not the "I can give help" group, but I hear you and I'm so sorry to hear you and your wife are suffering this way. It's a devastating situation and nobody should have to go through it. Could you, or maybe both of you, see a therapist? It sounds like it could help as you process both the anxiety and then the miscarriage itself. Best of luck with this--there's a healthy, thriving future on the other side.

[Messy]

I just thought I'd update as these threads always seem to slip off into the past and I dunno about anyone else, but I always wonder what happened. I think we got through it. It got worse before it got better. Next thing was a breast lump causing blind panic (hormonal). The endless hospital appointments continued, there was a brief lull followed by something else, another twinge, another irregular period, weight loss then a 'lump' discovered at the smear test that nobody could agree what it was, we waited for week after agonising week for the next appointment to come, then eventually everything else came back clear and when my wife went to her colcoscopy appointment to look at this (according to the letter) "firm, non-tender, non-cystic swelling" (reading between the lines...) the consultant actually laughed at the sight of it, said it was a nabothian cyst, did the colcoscopy for peace of mind, clear, then burst the cyst and......

.....breath, I guess.

So now it's about recovering. I'm so proud of my wife. It's been such a hard time, and I completely understand why she felt the way she did. It wasn't like she was making anything up. It was genuinely one thing after another which had such a horrific effect on her state of mind (and mine, and her parents, friends, everything), that now it seems (touch wood) to be all over I'm not really sure what to do, how to feel. It's not a magic wand, this stuff doesn't just go away overnight, but at least now we can look forward.

We've started Pilates together (I don't hate it as much as I expected to), she's having acupuncture and were in the process of booking a really good holiday for this summer. That's probably the best thing I can think to help us recover and recharge now.

This forum is brilliant. I don't post much but I read it all the time and it's a great support.

[Fishmanpa]

Thank you for the update! I'm a "survivor" of serious medical/physical issues. As I read through your experience and now see you coming out the other side, it's quite apparent you're a "survivor" too. We fought the battle and carry the scars, be it physically or mentally or both.

What I found most encouraging is that you're doing it together for the benefit of the "one"... your marriage.

Continued healing, much joy and as always...

Positive thoughts