Weasley123
28-11-17, 19:07
Ive always been an anxious person but in the last 5 years, Im 39 Ive suffered health anxiety about my health and my husbands health. Im more of an avoidant type so I rarely go to the dr and dont get check ups ill just go for symptoms but i worry a lot, primarily about cancer. I have high blood pressure at the drs that im sure is anxiety and my ob gyn agrees but it doesnt lessen my anxiety.
I think a big contributing factor is my mom. We are estranged but she has a ton of health issues. Her health issues are always very mysterious and she was always unwell when I was a kid with a million little problems and no clear diagnosis. Shes a nurse and always thinks she knows better then drs and would argue with them and me and my dad about getting help etc. Im sure lots of the problems are me but we dont get along.
Fast forward too now and she is 71. My dad has passed. For the last five years she has lived alone crippled with arthritis and unable to care for herself or drive. I dont visit but would call her and I know that she was overwhelmed by the most basic tasks and unable to make dr appointments and according to her in constant agony. She does have lots of spinal issues. Everyone has urged her for years to move into assisted living or get a visiting nurse, she refused. Rather she would do things like crawl around on the floor when she fell or pull her self up the stairs. When her toilet broke she scooped her poop out of the toilet and threw it out the window, until a plumber could come. Etc.
She would argue and scream at any attempt at help saying people where robbing her independence.
So this summer she was hospitalized against her will with a bowel obstruction. She agreed to move to an appt. She had a lady doing shopping for her. Beginning of November she fell spent 24 hrs on the floor and refused to call for help. She called a friend who called 911. My mother refused to go with the emts to the hospital. Adult services and the police came the next day and forced her to the hospital.
Sjhe was there a week being treated for leg wounds and cellulitis she insists was caused by the august hospital stay. She insists she is not on many meds and cant take more meds due to kidney disease. At the hospital her kidney values where almost normal, very mild impairment which she said was untrue.
She is now in a a rehab facilty and as her health care proxy I called her kidney dr who confirmed she has only mild impairment. Her drs told me her immediate problem is circulation in her legs and needs to be treated with bed rest and keeping her feet up which she refused to do at home. She actually says she can only sleep in a chair despite being in a hospital bed 3 weeks now. She is on tons of meds which she has always denied. When my mother found out I was talking to her drs she removed me as her health care proxy. She says she did this for convenience. I know she did it because I was calling her on her manipulative nonsense and her outright lies. Id think she was just confused but its more then that she is cunning in what she says and to who.
The conversation ended with me saying I wouldnt be speaking to her until she realized she needed help and agreed to move to assistive living. She said that was my choice.
I truly have no love for my mother which I know sounds awful but my only emotions towards her are anger and annoyance. However, I am feeling guilty about this. I truly am, I think, a caring person. Im a high school special ed teacher and I love animals. I feel bad I dont love or like my mom, Im the only child. I also feel like Ill be punished IVe started to worry about my own kidneys or worry her problems are genetic and Im doomed. I also worry excessively about my husband. He is my only family with no parents and no sibblings and I am a very quiet person without a huge circle of friends. I also have no children, about to be 40 and no desire for them. So without him im all alone
I think a big contributing factor is my mom. We are estranged but she has a ton of health issues. Her health issues are always very mysterious and she was always unwell when I was a kid with a million little problems and no clear diagnosis. Shes a nurse and always thinks she knows better then drs and would argue with them and me and my dad about getting help etc. Im sure lots of the problems are me but we dont get along.
Fast forward too now and she is 71. My dad has passed. For the last five years she has lived alone crippled with arthritis and unable to care for herself or drive. I dont visit but would call her and I know that she was overwhelmed by the most basic tasks and unable to make dr appointments and according to her in constant agony. She does have lots of spinal issues. Everyone has urged her for years to move into assisted living or get a visiting nurse, she refused. Rather she would do things like crawl around on the floor when she fell or pull her self up the stairs. When her toilet broke she scooped her poop out of the toilet and threw it out the window, until a plumber could come. Etc.
She would argue and scream at any attempt at help saying people where robbing her independence.
So this summer she was hospitalized against her will with a bowel obstruction. She agreed to move to an appt. She had a lady doing shopping for her. Beginning of November she fell spent 24 hrs on the floor and refused to call for help. She called a friend who called 911. My mother refused to go with the emts to the hospital. Adult services and the police came the next day and forced her to the hospital.
Sjhe was there a week being treated for leg wounds and cellulitis she insists was caused by the august hospital stay. She insists she is not on many meds and cant take more meds due to kidney disease. At the hospital her kidney values where almost normal, very mild impairment which she said was untrue.
She is now in a a rehab facilty and as her health care proxy I called her kidney dr who confirmed she has only mild impairment. Her drs told me her immediate problem is circulation in her legs and needs to be treated with bed rest and keeping her feet up which she refused to do at home. She actually says she can only sleep in a chair despite being in a hospital bed 3 weeks now. She is on tons of meds which she has always denied. When my mother found out I was talking to her drs she removed me as her health care proxy. She says she did this for convenience. I know she did it because I was calling her on her manipulative nonsense and her outright lies. Id think she was just confused but its more then that she is cunning in what she says and to who.
The conversation ended with me saying I wouldnt be speaking to her until she realized she needed help and agreed to move to assistive living. She said that was my choice.
I truly have no love for my mother which I know sounds awful but my only emotions towards her are anger and annoyance. However, I am feeling guilty about this. I truly am, I think, a caring person. Im a high school special ed teacher and I love animals. I feel bad I dont love or like my mom, Im the only child. I also feel like Ill be punished IVe started to worry about my own kidneys or worry her problems are genetic and Im doomed. I also worry excessively about my husband. He is my only family with no parents and no sibblings and I am a very quiet person without a huge circle of friends. I also have no children, about to be 40 and no desire for them. So without him im all alone